What heals us?

There is an idea that only we can heal ourselves. I think that is a true but incomplete statement.

What does it really take to heal?

I don't think that we ever truly heal by our own selves. We read books, talk to therapists, use plant, medicines, go to healers. Sometimes we are healed by grace.

So, is healing a partnership then?

What is healing anyway?

We need to learn what healing is and how to do it. We need to be ready for healing. And then we need to actually take action. We need to make changes within ourselves and out.

But here is a strange thing I realized during my healing journey. We first need to be ready to face what needs to be faced. In other words, there is a prerequisite that our psyches be strong enough for healing in the first place.

For most of my life, I was held down by the shame of childhood sexual abuse. Its suffocating weight prevented me from being able to acknowledge what happened, let alone say it out loud to anyone else. Therefore, I never went to therapy for this issue. Doing so would have been traumatizing because I was not ready to face or talk about it.

Then, in 2012, I started using a life coach who made me feel validated, whole, and empowered. We coached on and off for several months, when one day, out of nowhere, I started to realize that I could look face the abuse squarely in the eye. I no longer felt held down by it. I no longer felt ashamed.

This seemed like a miracle to me! Somehow, through the healing power of being seen by my life coach, I had become larger than my abuse. My childhood abuse was not a topic of discussion for us; it had never come up during our sessions.

It was only after feeling more empowered as a person that I was able to face my childhood abuse and then heal from it. It was only then that I started to talk about it with people.

I believe that there are many layered and multifaceted aspects to healing. I see the body as a metaphor for emotional, mental, and spiritual healing. If one organ in the body is not functioning, then many other aspects of our health will suffer as well. Likewise, if there is one major component of our psyche lacking, then it will affect the healing of other aspects of ourselves.

Another example is the degree of wounding being dealt with. If someone has cut their finger, they can clean it and put a bandage on it. Maybe we could even learn to give ourselves stitches. In either case, we create the best circumstances available for the body to heal itself. However, if we've been shot in the stomach, we'll need the aid of an expert doctor. The doctor doesn't heal us, but does put us back together again in a way that we will survive. Without the doctor, our body would not be able to heal itself and we may die.

Yes, we need to take responsibility for our healing as much as possible. We make the choices and decisions and intentions for our lives. But there are many circumstances when we need to look outside of ourselves for healing. Healing has come in many forms, has lifted me up in ways that I could not have done myself: healers, spirits, soul retrievals, friends, nature, books, shamanic journeys... And, maybe I'm wrong, but this tells me that that there is no such thing as simply healing ourselves. We need help. That outside help is part of our healing. I believe there are many components to the blueprint that makes up the psyche's healing potential, both inside and out.

I may never go to Peru to do ayahuasca again

[Note: I have removed the name of the Peruvian ayahausca center from all the posts in my blog.]

When I went to Peru for the first time last year, I was so grateful for the healing affects of ayahuasca. The medicine cleared my depression out and I came back home feeling great for a good six months.

After my second trip to Peru in April 2015, I was still grateful, but left with a feeling that something was amiss. Although I had some beautiful experiences, came away with significant insights, and healed my relationship with my father, I also had some negative experiences.

For one thing, during my second week there, I was "attacked" by a negative energy after a ceremony. The ceremony itself was one of the most frustrating ayahuasca experiences I'd ever had. For the entire night, I was in a state of feeling tired, mentally groggy, and unfocused. I almost felt like I could have fallen asleep, and struggled the entire night to open up to the medicine--which never happened. Finally I was sung to by one of the shamans, and I could feel the song clearing out my energy body. I went back to my mat and was relieved to feel much better, much clearer.

Then, the ceremony ended.

The head shaman closed the ceremony, and within a few moments I started feeling terrible. The energy in my body felt like it was crinkling up upon itself with a heaviness I can't explain. I suddenly hated being in the maloka, hated being with all these people around me. Every cell in my body despised being at the retreat center. If there was a way to leave the jungle and go back to Iquitos, I would have gone in a split second.

I curled up on my mat in a tight fetal position and pulled the blanket over my entire body, including my head. I just wanted to be holed up in a cave, or maybe buried under the ground, anywhere but here. After a while I sat up with my head between my knees. One of the retreat facilitators was asking people how they were doing from across the maloka.

He called my name and asked, "How are you doing?"

I said, "I'm not doing so good right now." And that was the end of the conversation.

There was no indication of concern and no one offered to help.

Finally, we all drifted off to sleep. The next morning I was surprised to find myself alone in the maloka, the last person to wake up. Usually I was the first to awake, long before the sun came up. Now, it was daylight and breakfast was already underway.

I still felt like shit, like I couldn't stand to be around the energy of anyone else. I knew there was no way I'd be able to stand being in the maloka around so many people for our circle talk. However, after eating and settling in for the morning, some of the darkness had lifted enough for me to make it to the sharing circle.

When it was my turn to talk I explained everything that happened. The head shaman said that I was attacked by a negative energy and that I'd feel better by the next day. While people were still sharing their experiences, I gathered my things and left the maloka. I went back to my tambo and felt strongly compelled to write the following on a piece paper: Sometimes a person just needs some fucking compassion! I then cried for a good two hours straight.

In a way, the shaman was right. I did feel better after "crying it out" that day. However, I spent the rest of my time at the center feeling generally weepy and at times crying for no apparent reason. The facilitators and helpers are there to talk, for the most part. But there is no real support for anyone going through a really hard time. Guests are lucky if they find other retreat goers to connect with to get the support they need. On the last day there, I sat on the retreat porch crying while waiting for our boat to arrive. I just felt incredibly sad and I didn't really know why.

The retreat facilitator offered to meet with me for dinner that night in Iquitos with some other people. This helped me feel less alone, although the night felt a little awkward since only a couple people in our group spoke english.

My first week back home I was incredibly sick with a bad cold. I could barely get out of bed. Then I became incredibly depressed. I realized that nothing in my life was working out, that nothing in my life ever worked out. Everything that I did, everything I strived for, was for naught. Life became meaningless. There was nothing to live for. I was a failure at everything. My life was worthless. I wanted to die, and in my prayers I begged the spirits to kill me. However, I no longer felt connected to the spirits. I felt I had been abandoned by them.  I was alone in my own darkness.

Thank god my shamanic healer was here. We conducted some healings over the next few weeks which helped to take the edge off of the depression. I began a disciplined meditation practice to help my psyche recover: meditation 30 minutes a day, twice a day. I also started studying A Course in Miracles again. I then started reading books about meditation and buddhism, especially those written by the Dalai Lama. These books helped restore me to life.

It took a good three months for me to come back up to a healthy level again. I am so thankful to be in a good place again, a place where I can pray and feel love and feel gratitude and sense Spirit once again. I still meditate 30 minutes a day, twice if I can, and do other spiritual practices as I see fit.

Do I blame the retreat center for my depression? No, I do not. I believe the depression was caused by my own "ego death." I could distinctly feel that it was related to my own feelings of failure and unworthiness. These feelings of failure and unworthiness were always in the background, hidden by my hopes, dreams and plans to create something great in my life. Well, when I realized those "great plans" weren't coming to fruition, my ego had to die an incredibly painful death.

What I do blame the retreat center for is their lack of personal connection and sincere compassion. The center was very masculine based with very little feminine energy. There is a very distinct feeling of detachment. People at this center may ask how you are doing, but very rarely have I ever felt that the facilitators and shamans were concerned on more than a superficial level. This sense of caring is healing in itself. I sincerely believe that the art of deep care and compassion can be even more healing, with more enduring results, than any amount of ayahuasca ceremonies.

True healers heal from the heart.

Thankfully, while recovering from my depression, I had the blessing and opportunity to participate in two ayahuasca ceremonies from a healer with true impeccability. This healer holds a space so sacred, so clean, that I will probably never do ceremonies in Peru again. This healer has helpers that check on each participant at least once during the night to make sure everyone is doing okay. Most importantly, I could sense the heart-filled compassion emanating from the healer and his assistants. It was moving to witness. The healer and his assistants are approachable, and are willing to listen with deep care and concern for whatever you are going through.

Blessings.

Shamanic healing is not enough

Shamanism has been a huge component of my healing process. However, I've found so far that it is not enough to calm the torrent of thoughts that cloud my mind. I need mindfulness, meditation, and presence practices to do that.

I've been reading and re-reading Eckhart Tolle lately.  A New Earth is my new bible. I credit his teachings on presence and dissolving the pain body for pulling me out of my whirlpool sadness.

Most days I meditate 30 minutes twice a day using the vipassana technique.

Despite the awesome experiences I've had over the past year, I've have little to no interest in the spirit world.

First of all, connecting with the invisible realms takes me out of working on myself. I can always connect with the spirits later in my life, after I'm in a good place.

Secondly, I realize now that having "special" experiences doesn't equate to being healed. In fact, such experiences easily engage the ego, keeping one from focusing on the serious work of cultivating inner peace and true healing.

Thirdly, my relationship with the spirit world has changed. I no longer put all my attention and energy on it. I know that I can't rely on the spirit world for everything. I need to be balanced as well.

Ultimately, my mind, body, and spirit is my responsibility.

A New Look at Life

Having had my perceived life needs and attachments ripped away, the choice is either to transcend this ego death or suffer intensely.

I've been reading/watching/listening to Eckhart Tolle a lot lately. Funny how I have a much deeper understanding of his teachings than when I first encountered his book A New Earth back in 2009. I've been reading and practicing A Course in Miracles as well.

I have the understanding now that nothing in my life means anything. In other words, everything is ephemeral. Everything is temporary. There is nothing in this world that can guarantee everlasting joy, peace, or happiness. Nothing.

The only peace we can guarantee for ourselves is the peace we manage to eke out on our own, through mindfulness and a deep, abiding acceptance of What Is. If we are lucky, perhaps we will even catch a glimpse of pure consciousness.

I've made a lot of changes since my last ayahuasca retreat and the subsequent depression that occurred. I've taken myself completely off Facebook, something I'd been addicted to for the past nine years. I'm also going to disconnect my home internet service. I've made peace my primary goal in life, if that can even be a "goal." But I now know that there is nothing else in this world that really matters or can even be counted on. So I focus on reading my spiritual books and doing my spiritual practices. I try to meditate every day and cultivate presence and acceptance. I've given up on creating goals and choose instead to focus on simply being. All I truly want anymore in life is for my state of beingness to align with the will of the universe.

Right now it doesn't seem like a very exciting life, but compared to how I was feeling just one month ago, which was borderline suicidal, I will gladly take it.

Life Purpose: Necessity or Source of Misery?

I decided today to let go of any idea of a "life purpose." As soon as I let this "need" go, I started feeling significant relief from my depression.

Once we decide upon a life purpose, or even declare that we need to have a life purpose, we limit ourselves into something we are "supposed to be" or "supposed to do." This in turn blocks our ability to be free in the moment because our brains are too busy trying to figure out what we "should" be doing next.

Check out this article: Living a Good Life Without a Purpose

Consider changing the imperative pursuit of finding your life purpose to making it more important to discover “what gives meaning to my life today.

Think about indigenous societies, or even third world cultures. Having been to Peru, I've seen how such communities focus more on friends and family than US culture. They live together, work together, eat together, and play together. Yes, these people have their own struggles and challenges as well, but it seems to me that life is so much more simple.

I often feel like I just don't belong in this culture, but maybe it is our success-driven culture that has it wrong.

As an experiment, I will be letting go of any need to succeed or have any purpose for the next six weeks. I'll have two ayahuasca ceremonies at the end of these six weeks, so it will be interesting to see what happens.

CryQuest: A map towards healing that makes sense

I just discovered CryQuest, an excellent resource on emotional healing.

The premise is not new. We need to allow ourselves to feel the pain and then cry to process and release it. CryQuest helps readers to navigate the process of feeling emotions again, and offers a wealth of information and steps to follow for the healing process. Check it out at http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/index.html

The Return

Some day, if you are lucky,
you’ll return from a thunderous journey
trailing snake scales, wing fragments
and the musk of Earth and moon.

Eyes will examine you for signs
of damage, or change
and you, too, will wonder
if your skin shows traces

of fur, or leaves,
if thrushes have built a nest
of your hair, if Andromeda
burns from your eyes.

Do not be surprised by prickly questions
from those who barely inhabit
their own fleeting lives, who barely taste
their own possibility, who barely dream.

If your hands are empty, treasureless,
if your toes have not grown claws,
if your obedient voice has not
become a wild cry, a howl,

you will reassure them. We warned you,
they might declare, there is nothing else,
no point, no meaning, no mystery at all,
just this frantic waiting to die.

And yet, they tremble, mute,
afraid you’ve returned without sweet
elixir for unspeakable thirst, without
a fluent dance or holy language

to teach them, without a compass
bearing to a forgotten border where
no one crosses without weeping
for the terrible beauty of galaxies

and granite and bone. They tremble,
hoping your lips hold a secret,
that the song your body now sings
will redeem them, yet they fear

your secret is dangerous, shattering,
and once it flies from your astonished
mouth, they–like you–must disintegrate
before unfolding tremulous wings.

-The Return by Geneen Marie Haugen

Healing, Healing, and more Healing

I saw the shaman two days ago for a healing that could not have come fast enough.

After my last blog post, I became extremely depressed. With the illusion of my "life purpose" gone, the world became meaningless. My life suddenly felt like a waste. I had nothing to live for.

Both the shaman and I agree that I did not spend enough time doing ayahuasca in Peru. Because of work obligations, I could only stay for two weeks. Yet, in two weeks, I was only just beginning to touch on the deeper emotional stuff that needed to be worked on.

My last day there was spent crying on the porch of the ayahuasca center as we waited for our boat to arrive. I wasn't crying because I was sad to leave the ayahuasca center. I was crying because all my shit was coming up to the surface. I was an open wound and desperate not to be alone in Iquitos overnight.

Part of me had opened that hadn't opened in a long time. Inside was a raw vulnerable spot that needed to be touched by warmth and compassion. I kept thinking how healing it would be to have a good friend (therapist, lover, whoever) who truly cared to hold that kind of space for me. I had never felt this open and vulnerable before, not even with my husband.

Unfortunately, the kind of warmth, compassion, and support that I needed was not to be found in Peru, and the healing opportunity passed. I closed back up, came home, and fell into a deep darkness. My entire life seemed like a failure. I told the shaman that my highest hope for life at this point was to go back to Peru to live at an ayahuasca retreat, and hopefully get dengue so I could die an early death. We both laughed at this, even though I was very serious about this death wish.

The depression made me have serious doubts about the effectiveness of this healing session. With life feeling this hopeless, I thought there was no way the shaman or the spirits could break through the meaningless of this world.

The shaman and I began by laying on the floor for a journey. I was to journey to learn more about staying in spiritual connection, since spirituality is the most important thing in the world to me. The shaman did his own journey to seek and heal the biological reason for my depression. We both received the information that we needed, and then the shaman proceeded to do an energy healing on me.

This healing was very different than before. He poked me with his finger on my left side, at the bottom of my rib cage, and then did the same thing on my right side. He poked me again below my hips, first on my left side and then on my right.

What the heck is this? I thought.

He poked me in the same areas again and then "drew" an X with his fingers, crossing from the bottom left of my rib cage to the bottom right area below my hips. Then did the opposite to form another diagonal line, creating an invisible "X."

Ha, I could've done this myself at home! I inwardly laughed to myself.

Then he spoke, "Imagine that there is a sun right above this area and put all of your depression into it."

I did as he said.

"Now I'm going to call up [name of some spiritual beings that I can't remember] and have them help remove your depression," he said.

I felt the subtle energy of something in my back/shoulder/chest area. I thought that I was imagining it, but then after a few moments I felt absolutely nothing.

The healing was over and he told me to get up. I felt much better. Much more peaceful and relaxed. Life felt much better.

I went home and felt so sad about the suffering I had just been through. I journalled about the issues the shaman and I talked about, and then realized that I still needed to revisit and heal all the times I had suffered from depression in the past. The intense and relentless suffering from the depression that I had been through for so many years is what's keeping me stuck. It's not the trauma itself, but now my own life-long suffering that had traumatized me so much it has lodged into my cellular memory. I don't know how to purge this without doing ayahuasca.

I woke up early today feeling depressed. Then I fell back asleep and had some disturbing release dreams. Holes and weak areas in the floor of a parking garage that cars were falling through. Feeling like myself or others were in danger of falling through these holes as well. Being lost in an unknown neighborhood. Finding and joyfully greeting my husband's father, only to find out that he is angry at me for our failed relationship. I notice he is very frail and weak looking. He tells me to leave, that I am not wanted here.

I woke up feeling a little better though. Things are not as bleak.

The shaman and I have another healing scheduled in two weeks. In the mean time, I am seriously considering going back to Peru for 3 months. I will wait to see how things go in the next month or two before making any final decisions. If anything, life has taught me that things can turn on a dime. Things could be happening the way they are meant to for a reason. However, even if all of this is for the higher good, I am hoping these extreme ups and downs will come to rest soon.

Still Effing Depressed and Thoughts about Life Purpose

I woke up today feeling a little less depressed than I've been the past few days. So, that's an improvement.

Things are still gloomy though.

I'm sick of my life being about healing, healing, healing. Since the age of 23, self improvement and healing has been all my life has been about. I thought I would end up doing something great from that experience.

Not only have I healed and improved significantly, but I've learned so much. I always wanted to pass on this knowledge and insight in order to help others. However, if I'm STILL getting depressed at this stage in life. Well, at this point I feel like it's better if I just give up on any grand dreams of fulfilling some kind of life purpose.

The shaman said something interesting in his last email to me. It's something he's alluded to before. He said that we heal, and after we have healed our life purpose is then revealed to us.

Well, this made me think of all the dreams and goals for fulfilling my purpose in life, and I realized that it is all made up. I mean, yeah, we follow our passion, we follow where our heart leads us. I truly believe in doing that. But as far as THE life purpose, THE thing we are supposed to do in life...that is a story.

Having said this, I'm seriously considering giving up on my life coaching practice. With all the emotional ups and downs and interruptions from my psycho-spiritual healing crisis that began last year, I just can't do it. I've spent so much time and energy thinking of ideas to get my business going, but I can't seem to implement any them. In addition to that, I just can't coach when I'm depressed! And this past week is proof that I still have issues with that, even though I thought my depression was cured 6 months ago after my first trip to Peru.

It makes me sad and deflated to say this. But I'm sick of chasing dreams that don't end up happening. I'd rather life just pick me up and throw me into wwhatever it is it wants me to do.

I'm sick of the efforting. I'm sick of always trying to figure things out.  Of trying to force things to happen that just don't seem to want to happen.

(And who wants life coaching from someone with THAT kind of attitude???)

Fuck it.

I have another healing with the shaman tomorrow. Wish me well.

xo

Staying with the pain

Before I knew about shamanic healing, I bypassed emotional pain.

I didn't do this purposely. It was mostly subconscious because I didn't know there was any other way to deal with pain.

"Gotta get to work. Gotta get stuff done. Gotta keep moving."

I felt like I couldn't afford to let the pain stop me. I felt like staying with the pain would end up stopping me in my tracks, disabling me from doing anything else in life.

Now that I know that I can get a healing from the shaman, I'm not afraid of the pain. The pain comes and I let it stay a while. I sit with it for as long as it needs.

This last episode of pain has been a doozy. Seriously. Yesterday morning it was bad enough that I don't even want to mention the kind of thoughts I was having. Suffering from the theme of life purpose (or lack thereof) is not fun.

The intensity let up by early afternoon, but I wrote the shaman. I got his response this morning.

He encouraged me to use my spirit helpers. I allowed myself to sit with the pain pretty much all of this morning. I set a flower out on my altar as an offering for my spirit helpers. I prayed, and sat, and waited, and let my mind drift.

I smoked mapacho and drank palo santo tea while welcoming my spirit helpers.

I was not sure what to say or ask of them, except to please help me heal in the way I needed to be healed.

My mind felt slow and sluggish, yet open. I could not think and my mind wandered easily. At the same time I almost felt trance-like.

At one point I felt subtle feelings of lightness and sweetness. Feelings I've had before, during my mysterious spiritual experiences. I tried to discern if it was spirit. Eventually the feeling subsided. I laid on the couch and felt the pain some more.

Eventually I felt lighter. This was just 20 minutes ago or so. I am still feeling more calm as I write this.

I don't think I'm all the way clear yet. But I do feel different. A little better about life. Lighter.

Depression

The past couple days have been really difficult. After my last post I fell into a wild mood swing that made me want to just disappear from this world.

Suddenly my life felt like a complete failure. Remorse toward healing at such a relatively late age (now 42) came flooding back, and I was filled with regret at the life I had lost due to depression. So many opportunities gone. I no longer had a chance at having a family. All these years spent in pain could have been spent cultivating something I loved, such as a career or an artistic talent. Now, I felt, my life was doomed to just growing old--my body becoming more and more wrinkled and flabby and unattractive. Instead of helping others, as I always hoped to be able to do, I'd probably be destined to focus on healing until I died.

This isn't the first time I've grieved for the life I lost. But, shit! I thought I healed from that during the South work we did with the shaman last fall.

Sigh. I guess things happen in layers.

The more we heal, the more those newly healed parts of ourselves need to integrate everything. So, so-called old issues resurface again as we take on a new perspective. We move in more deeply within who we are as the subconscious gunk become conscious. As the subconscious becomes conscious, it brings with it aspects of wounding that hadn't yet been resolved. That's my theory anyway. The shaman, on the other hand, said I was experiencing an ego attack that was taking me away from my divinity and power.

I questioned my decision to be a life coach, seeing how the past year has been filled with the extreme ups and downs of healing. I haven't been able to coach on one hand. On the other hand, I haven't wanted to coach.

I also felt hopelessly trapped in a society that doesn't believe in Spirit. While I having spiritual experiences and making trips to Peru to do ayahuasca, I can't talk about it to anyone. I have to hide who I am and what I do. Otherwise, I risk not being able to survive in this society due to the taboo nature of everything.

So, do I go back to having a normal, "real" job or do I continue to follow my passion, which I'm not even sure what that is anymore. My passion is Spirit. But how does that translate into a job?

Lastly, I felt bad about my failed relationship with my husband. Did I ever really love him the way I should have? Can I even be in a real relationship?

After having one really bad shitty day of not wanting to exist, things started to pick up again. I did some reading, some journaling, and started practicing lessons from the ACIM workbook. It helped, but I fell back down into a funk.

Then tonight. I let go of everything. I stopped caring about being a life coach, needing to find my perfect job, and failing at relationships. For some reason I started focusing on the love of my father.

I felt my father's love for me during my last ayahuasca ceremoy. I feel it healed our relationship.

This love is still hard to trust, but this love said, "You are excepted for who you are. You are loved no matter what." And suddenly, all that stuff I just mentioned no longer mattered. I stopped trying. I stopped wanting to do anything anymore. I felt held as an innocent being on a healing path--and it felt good to let go and know that I was being taken care of. There was a gentleness about it. A gentle, "It's okay."

This was not a spiritual experience, but a general realization. I am loved, and it is okay to not have my dream job as a life coach or great at relationships or young and perky anymore. I am a little baby chick. I still need to grow, and that's okay. Little baby chicks are cute, innocent, and adorable. And eventually they do grow up.

Here's to trusting, accepting, and loving where we are at this moment.

Back from Peru

I've been back home since Sunday evening and have been terribly sick with a cold since then. The fatigue was unreal, relentless. I hadn't been this sick in years.

Today I started to feel a bit better and drove 1.5 hours for an appointment with my local shaman. We healed a bunch of mom related stuff and I felt palpably better afterwards. Now, about 5 hours later, I feel like the healing just about cleared out the rest of my cold as well!

My trip to the ayahuasca center in Peru was difficult but healing. I resolved some things. I healed my relationship with my deceased father. Worked on loving myself more. Learned some things. Had a peak at some spirit realms and cultivated a deeper relationship with Spirit in general. I've developed a better relationship with ayahuasca, although I never completely lost my fear of drinking. All of it was a lot of really hard work.

And now back to figuring my life out.

Off to Peru

Today I leave for Peru. This will be my second trip to the ayahuasca center in Peru to participate in ayahuasca ceremonies. I am excited, scared, hopeful, and relieved.

I will be back in about two weeks. Until then, be well.

xoxox

You don't get healed through just one healing session

There is a huge misconception about energy and spiritual healing modalities. In fact, it is a misconception I also had before I embarked on my own spiritual healing journey. It is the idea that if spiritual and energy healings are so powerful, then people should be completely healed by it in just one session. The truth is that you don't (or rarely) become completely healed with just one healing session. However, in my experience, one shamanic healing session is much more powerful and effective than standard psychotherapy.

Many factors come into play, including the person's belief systems, type and intensity of wounding, how many layers of healing are needed, conscious or subconscious resistance to the healing or spiritual beliefs, etc.

Someone who is wounded because their parents got divorced  during childhood is going to have a much different healing journey than someone who suffered from years of childhood incest and physical abuse.

One person may just need one soul retrieval and be on their merry way. Another person may need 20 soul retrievals over a period of years.

Energy and spiritual healing is real. It is the only thing that healed my emotional wounds on a deep and lasting level. However, I have needed many healings over the past year. If you have been reading my blog, you will know that this has included shamanic healing with energy work and soul retrievals and also ayahuasca.

I am amazed at how different I am from just one year ago. I am confident, feel great about myself and my life, am blessed with many friends, and feel whole, complete and content. Yes, life has had it's ups and downs, and sometimes I may still have a bout of depression--but I always come back up. It is not the chronic and deep depression that I suffered from before.

I suffered from anxiety and depression for decades. Before my healings began, my depression was so bad that I started to question the value of life for any living being. If suffering was so prominent, I thought, what was the point of anything being alive? To risk going through this chronic suffering like I had?

I believe that no one should have to suffer. Healing is there for us. But first we need to learn to let our hearts guide us. And to be open to the benevolence of the universe. And to also know that suffering is unacceptable--that a life full of suffering is not living at all, that a better way is possible. Believing these truths led me to my own healing journey. And these attitudes can help lead you to your own healing path as well.

11th Healing Ceremony & Preparation for Peru

I sit here, exhausted yet relieved. Just a few hours ago, the shaman performed a healing ceremony to heal the bout of lethargy, anger, and depression I've had since my spiritual experience and opening two weeks ago. Together we healed a huge skeptical block in my heart, fear of ascension, resistance to entering the spiritual realm, and fear of ayahuasca.

We also discussed some things I would do to prepare for my ayahuasca ceremonies, in private, once I arrive at the ayahuasca center in Peru. I leave for my second trip to this ayahuasca healing center in three days. When I booked my stay and flight a few months ago, I had little idea what my intentions would be. I figured I would simply be maintaining the healing I had originally gotten. But Spirit has guided me. My recent experiences have led me to focus on the intentions of learning about my spiritual gifts and connecting to the spiritual realm. Of course, these intentions are within the sacred container of learning this information for the highest intention of healing myself and others. Not for idle curiosity. Not to get some kind of thrill or magic show. I am very serious about the work I will be doing.

But I digress.

I left todays healings feeling much better. But even more important, I have a huge appreciation and respect for the honor of having a connection with Spirit. I don't know what I did in my past lives, but it was enough to put me on a leash, so to speak, that allowed me to go only so far into the spiritual realm before being pulled back again.

They say you appreciate something more once it's been gone. Having my gifts returned to me, my right to interact with Spirit, is like getting my heart back. There is nothing more important to me than Spirit, and having these limitations healed only makes me cherish and honor my spiritual gifts even more.

As I drove home, I thanked the spirits for healing me. And I also promised to use my gifts only for the highest purpose, to take these gifts seriously and to use them as responsibly as I knew how. I asked my spirit helpers to help me recognize it if I ever stray from my path. And then, with much gratitude, continued to thank them again.

Clearing old archetypes of fear

I've gone from feeling super connected to spirit to not wanting to even look at spirit. Wanting to deny all of my experiences. Being angry at the shaman. Something inside me screaming, "This spiritual stuff is not true! It's all a bunch of bullshit!"

Today especially, I woke up feeling extremely depressed. Sad, confused, spiritually disconnected, and very angry. Connecting with a spirit last week did something to my ego on a very deep level. Again, I am reminded that how we feel is often very much at the mercy of our subconscious selves. Our biology, our unconscious thoughts and belief systems, the gaps within our spiritual connection, and our forgotten unhealed wounds.

I realized there was no way I could go to the sweat lodge this Saturday. I almost wrote the shaman to cancel. But then, by some miracle, I started feeling better. All these odd feelings swirling around. Some light and angelic. Some heavy and dark.

The shaman says this spiritual denial is due to an old archetypal thought system. I assume it's the archetype of fear related to our true spiritual connection. Funny how I JUST wrote about that recently. Little did I know what was coming for me.

My experiences last week spurred this area of my ego into rebellion. It's so crazy. First feeling the depth of spirit like I've never felt before, showing me that the spirit world is real, creating heart connections, and giving me messages. And now this. I went from dedicating my life to spirit to wanting to deny any of it exists.

It is no accident that all of this is happening just before my trip to Peru. The shaman will provide healing next Wednesday, April Fool's Day. But then I will arrive at the ayahuasca center in Peru on Easter Sunday, where I hope to obtain some real clarity and understanding.

My life has been a whirlwind of healing and spiritual experiences ever since that fateful day last year when I first went to go see the shaman. What does it all mean? Is it leading up to something like I'd been intuiting? What are my spiritual gifts that the shaman insists I have? What is is it that spirit wants me to do? Who is this person that I'm transforming into? Will I finally be at a place where I know what to do in my life? Where I can finally start serving others?

I have so many questions.  I hope and pray that this is all unfolding in a way that will be meaningful and beneficial for all involved. I am putting all of my trust in the universe right now.

Latched onto my heart

Three days ago I had an experience that I'm still reeling from. It seems like it's been a week, and I'm surprised I didn't write about this yet.

My consciousness opened up and I felt the warm embrace of love. Something locked onto my heart. I strongly felt there was some kind of mission or job I was meant to do. How did I know this? Imagine feeling like you just got hired for your dream job. That's how I felt.

I suddenly knew about the existence of the spirit world. It's like a drawing on a piece of paper lifting up and becoming alive. Suddenly I just knew, and I don't know how that happened. I felt glimpses of the spirit world. How loving and compassionate it is. How it blows everything about this world out of the water.

I felt so in love with spirit. I was enraptured in its loving embrace. I kept telling it, "I love you! I love you!" And it seemed to be telling me that back. The love I felt was undeniable.

I knew then that spirit would be my life from then on. I have never felt so content, loved, and taken care of. I am so serious and in love with spirit that I would do anything to stay on this path. It is more important than having a relationship, more important than my job. I feel so dedicated to this path, and I am glad to be on it!

Now, the feelings have died down, but the knowledge is still there. The important thing is that I got the message. I have a mission. There is a spirit world. Spirit is my life now.

This unnamed archetype of fear

What is this archetype of fear that plagues not only people who have gone through spiritually transformative experiences, but a society who denies and even condemns those who have gone through them?

I see it as a deeply subconscious epidemic of the collective consciousness. A fear of Spirit and Oneness. It is so deep that most people in this society don't even see it. 

Oneness connects to the heart. The heart connects us all. Without connection there is no harmony.

To see that there actually is another realm makes Oneness real. It makes our material human lives less significant. It challenges everything about our belief systems. This is terrifying to the human mind.

But if people only realized how beautiful the spirit realm is. It is magnificent beyond what we can imagine here on earth. We only know what we have here, and are therefore attached to it. But imagine a state of love and warmth the overshadows what anything else on this earth can provide.

Our fear of Oneness somehow ties in with the deterioration of this world. We are not in harmony because fear has taken priority over Oneness and Harmony. I believe this fear is something that needs to be healed if we are to survive as a species.

What does it mean when I don't feel spiritually conected?

A friend recently asked me about going "in and out" of spiritual connection. Those weren't her exact words, but it was something along the lines of, "I don't always feel like I'm connected to this feeling of being spiritual. Sometimes I'm out of that connection."

This is completely normal. Just because you don't feel connected, it doesn't mean that spirit isn't connecting with you, or that you are no longer "being spiritual."

From my experience, when I don't feel connected with spirit it's because something is blocking me. Usually it is because of something that needs to be healed.

Spirit is ALWAYS there with you. Spirit ALWAYS hears your prayers. It is WE who are separated, usually because of deep subconscious blocks. These blocks are embedded deep like an ice berg. Even if we think we can see our blocks, usually there run far deeper than we are able to conceptualize.

Sometimes the spirits will help us out with feeling a better connection by giving us a little boost of inspiration or love. Sometimes we may find this inspiration and love through a book, movie, music, or nature. Or it may be found in something else that "speaks" to us.

Faith plays an important role in connecting to spirit. But I realize that it is sometimes impossible to even have faith. My advice in this case is to not push yourself to believe or feel something you can't.

I went through several periods of my life, suffering deep depression, where I could not feel faith let alone any connection with spirit. During these times of my life I was forced to look within to seek answers. I also believe these dark periods of life are sometimes used for purging. Or maybe even some kind of growth that we are simply unconscious to. During these times, don't be hard on yourself for not feeling connected with spirit, but do something that feels good. Try to follow your heart--this is following our own inner spirit, which is probably even more important that trying to feel an external connection to spirit.

What I told my friend is that I use daily spiritual practice to keep the momentum going. For me, this involves calling out to my spirit guides every day and prayer. I told her that there have been days where it felt like I was just going through the motions, trying to get it over with so I could go on to something else. But there have been other days where I feel very connected while doing the practices.

Now I know that the spirits hear me no matter how I connected I felt during the practice. Yes, it does help when we are feeling loving and connected, but it is okay if we don't feel that way. The spirits appreciate all of our efforts, and know that we are doing the best that we can.

xo

Transitions

For the past week my left hand has been twitching, I've been smelling a certain telltale smell, and I've been waking up at 5am. I decided to go to sleep at 9pm in order to get enough sleep. I dreamt and then was woken by the wind. My eyes still shut, I wondered what time it was.

For some reason I counted in my mind 3 hours from the time I went to sleep "10, 11, 12"... I opened my eyes and looked at the clocked, shocked to see that it was only midnight and that I had only slept for 3 hours. Dammit. I had forgotten that going to sleep earlier during this state only meant waking up earlier.

For the past two days, I've felt a very light crystalline presence within me. I am completely enraptured with spirit. Completely in love with spirit. I know that spirit will be my life from now on. This new light is very subtle, but if I am very still and listen closely, it feels like a million angels singing.

Before going to bed, I tried connecting with this light and it started to feel like a presence. I became frightened and emailed the shaman. I then smudged my bedroom while calling out to my spirit helpers. I surrounded myself with objects of power and beauty: flowers, stones, a sketch of Antlered Doe. Took my mesa into my bed with me. Somehow I became more peaceful and went to sleep.

I feel content in a way that I never thought possible before. I couldn't care less if I never get a boyfriend again in my life. Spirit is my new boyfriend. Besides, how easy is it to find a lover that is on the same frequency as this angelic inner light? I am already in love with the divine. What more do I need?

I wonder if my estranged husband would understand. If knowing abut my transition will bring him peace. Is it worth sharing? Or will it just piss him off?

I remember when I first went to go see the shaman. He said I had some gifts. I didn't know what to think of this but thought it was cool. He instructed me to go to a natural water source and do a specific ceremony. I am almost drawn to go to that same place now, to be out in nature just before the sun rises.

What is my life going to be from now on? With spirit as my new direction, my new director. It's exciting to think about.

Life is a mysterious miracle. I am grateful and humbled.

Encouragement from the shaman

Now I feel doubtful about everything, and all this inspiration I had has fallen apart. I'm just really sad, super unmotivated, and back to feeling like I don't know what to do with my life. I'm not feeling connected at all, nothing is enjoyable or inspiring.  

I hope the reset comes quickly do something you love

Yes. I'd forgotten that this is the answer to everything. :)

Ascension is a bitch

I'm realizing that in order to fully be who I am, I'm going to have to move WAY beyond my comfort zone. I'll be coming out with my spiritual beliefs, so to speak, in order to market my coaching practice to clients on the psycho-spiritual healing path.

My heart is practically pleading with me to do this. I feel a sense of exhileration and freedom I've never felt before. I'm being guided and, really, there is no other choice. I can feel it.

How funny that once I made this decision, two things happened that created some painful shifting. I fell into a depression the past couple days and I am still recovering.

First an encounter with my estranged husband created some inner friction. I became so angry at the universe for allowing him to be shit on like this. It's ridiculously unfair. I explained to him that our break up was not about him. It was about me being on a spiritual path. A path that I have no choice but to be on, to be perfectly honest. The spirits have me. Everything exists solely to support this path from now on. It was the first time I said that to him, the first time I owned my path.

Second, I engaged with a skeptic. Argh, those skeptics with their snide comments and condescending attitudes. This is a huge trigger for me. I especially can't stand it when people say they are glad I "feel" like shamanism helped me, or that I "think" it helped.

I don't usually cuss much since getting back from Peru, but are you fucking kidding me? Shamanism saved my life.

It's like telling someone who had emergency surgery for appendicitis that you are glad they felt like it helped. "I'm glad you think having your appendice removed helped." Give me a break.

The funny thing is that i KNEW ahead of time that engaging with the skeptic was going to set something off, so I allowed it to happen. Some serious purging occurred as a result.

I feel a significant shift now.

I sense myself connecting on a higher level to...whatever it is that we connect to when we grow spiritually. Some kind of higher knowledge and source of inspiration I guess. I feel like I'm about to be on a wild ride. Hopefully the next roller coaster will be more fun.

Much love. xo

Imagine

Imagine not believing in the spirit world. You would believe that people who do believe in the spirit world are crazy.

Now imagine realizing that the spirit world is all very real. Now you realize it is everyone else who is crazy--yet they are still acting like YOU are crazy.

It's very crazy making.

Balance

Instead of knocking each other because of our beliefs, insisting that this is wrong or that is right, let's focus on how to discern balance.

Why I believe there is something more to the universe than what meets the eye

Because I knew that this world had nothing to offer that could assuage the intense suffering I'd gone through for most of my life. There was just no way.

My suffering was my life's lesson: There is more to life than this. There is another way.

I had no choice but to believe there was something else. I had no choice but to start having faith in the universe. I put out the effort, and it turned out that the universe was there to meet me half way.

Why I don't care what other people think of my spiritual beliefs

You don't have to believe what I believe. But please consider this: Just because you haven't experienced what I've experienced, it doesn't mean it isn't true.

I've been seeking answers for decades now. I've been learning to discern what speaks to me and what doesn't. What is true or not. Backtracking and shifting gears, re-evaluating, and learning to discern again.

Sometimes I've been let down. Sometimes I've been surprised beyond my wildest dreams.

I don't claim to know what all of the answers about THE TRUTH. And neither should anyone else who tries to discredit someone else's TRUTH.

I do know that if I had been influenced by the skeptics and naysayers, I would never have found the peace and fulfillment that I experience now on a daily basis. And believe it or not, in the long run it was okay if something ended up not being the truth after all, or if I even got a little hurt. I learned from it and then moved on.

I've stopped analyzing the world in black and white terms. Truth vs Not Truth. I've learned to simply let my heart guide me.

I don't hang onto a spiritual belief as if my life depended on it. But I do remain open to what might be possible. It is a balance. I've learned that over everything else, the most important thing I can focus on is my own inner being, my internal world. Therefore I've learned not to be so concerned with the external.

I've also learned not to be so concerned over what other people are doing or thinking or believing.

You are free to question what I believe. But if I sense any judgment, I hope you don't mind me asking why you need to be pointing your finger at others in the first place.

The long and windy road to figuring out a career path

A friend recently asked how I figured out what my career path should be. We are not talking about any plain old career, but an authentic soul-satisfying way of life that somehow serves the greater good. I told her that the simple answer is to do what you love. However, for many of us, life doesn't usually work out so easily. The reasons can be complex, varied, and multilayered. So, here is a more complete answer designed to address the intricate, and often circular, nature of pursuing our passions.

First of all--and this will be a no-brainer for most people--if you are looking for a career you love, it is important to know what you are passionate about. What do you really, truly care about in life? What is the one single theme throughout your life that your heart has always gravitated towards?

Don’t let your inner naysayer block you. You know, that part of you that says, “Oh, that doesn’t count because….” Let yourself be limitless and allow what you really love to shine into your heart. If you need to, tell your mind to take a break and let your heart decide what it would do as a career if it could.

Now that you know what your one true passion is, you may be saying, “Yeah, but how do I translate that into some kind of paying job?” As a transformational life coach, I generally like people to find their own answers. However, in the case of finding a career based on life purpose, I tell people to just focus on following their heart and healing themselves until the career starts to fall into place.

I know. This is probably infinitely frustrating to hear. It is our inner most desires to be our full selves in this world. I truly believe that we need to be our fullest selves before we become who we are meant to be. This means taking action from where we currently are, while keeping the higher intention alive.

Our heart is our inner guide. It is the link to our true nature as we navigate a world that tries to pull us away from who we really are. Do what you are passionate about in this moment, even if it doesn't seem to have anything to do with a career. Follow your gut feeling. Life has a way of leading you to the perfect situations when you follow your heart and trust in the universe. We never know the higher purpose of why we might be led something, and what that will eventually lead to.
Healing ourselves leads us to wholeness and fulfillment. When we are healed, we no longer look toward external things in life to make us feel good or complete us. In addition to this, we are of better service toward others when we are whole. Healing our wounds removes limitations--such as fears, doubts, and defenses--that not only keep us from functioning fully at what we love to do, but could also unintentionally harm others we attempt to help.

I believe the more healed and whole we become, the more things fall into place. Anita Moorjani, author of Dying To Be Me, says that when we learn to truly love and except ourselves, our life purpose naturally unfolds for us. Healing fills the gaps within, allowing love to flow more fully in our being.

Don’t fall into the trap that there is only one type of healing, such as energy work or therapy. Life itself is our healer, and can come in the form of friendship, nature, art, music, or any life circumstance that ends up teaching and transforming us. We delve into new life situations for our own reasons, but there often ends up being another higher purpose that facilitates our growth. Just because you are not where you want to be, it doesn't mean you aren't where you are supposed to be for reasons you aren't aware of yet.

When we are whole and aligned with our true passion, we become inspired into action. Something inside you might "click" into place. Or maybe you feel a special zing in your heart. Before you know it, you suddenly understand what your exact next step should be.

If there is struggle, if there is something holding you back, or if things are not going smoothly, then there are unconscious blocks to work out. Perhaps you will not be ready for your next step until you grown in certain areas. Or perhaps you know exactly what your blocks are and need to learn to push forward in the face of these fears. There could be a lesson within the journey of pursing your career, as there was for me.

It took me many years to be ready both emotionally and intellectually. And to be honest, I am still growing into my ideal career. It is an ever-evolving process.

Personal and spiritual growth was my passion since the age of 20. Psychology was the closest field I knew that fit this passion, so I got a degree. However, I did not pursue the field for several reasons. First of all, the clinical nature of psychology never sat well with me. Secondly, I still suffered from depression and social anxiety disorder. It didn’t make sense to me that anyone would attempt to heal others without first healing themselves.

Years later, after working in unfulfilling, dead-end jobs, I wanted a more stable career and enrolled in graduate school. I decided to become a librarian because it combined two areas that I loved: research and helping others. This was my way of creating a safe and stable career for myself. But it was not my passion. What is the difference?

My decision to become a librarian was based on safety and security. My passion is based on an undeniable heart-felt pull that has driven me to be a seeker for most of my life.

Don’t get me wrong. Becoming a librarian was right for me at the time. Not only was it a drastic improvement from my previous dead-end jobs, but it also led me through several necessary life experiences. For example, my first job in a public library was a very healing experience because of the positive environment and the people I worked with. I would not have been able to move on to a career that I am passionate about without this experience.

As of this writing, I am still happily working as a librarian, but part-time. This is intentional so I can focus on building my coaching practice. I might not be rich, but I am comfortable, fulfilled, and able to pursue the things that really matter to me.

Psycho-spiritual growth and healing is my true passion, but I did not know how to translate into a career. In fact, for a long time I didn't even think a career having to do with psycho-spiritual growth and healing was possible. For many years I considered becoming a life coach, but was still not sure this was the answer. Then an opportunity came.

A recent graduate from a school I admired offered free coaching sessions. I jumped at the opportunity and was blown away at how powerful the experience was. Soon after, I realized my heart was calling out for a more heart-centered line of work. I was stuck: should I pursue the safe and logical career as a licensed therapist, or should I pursue the freedom of following my own path as a transformational life coach? I decided to take the plunge and quit my full-time job to get a masters in Transpersonal Psychology and become a transformational life coach. It was the scariest thing I had ever done. I felt like all the security I’d built up had been destroyed. I got panic attacks.

However, attending the school led to growth and transformational experiences that I never would have had otherwise. It led me to another, very dramatic and transformative stage in my life that I would never have expected in a million years. This resulted in significant healing and wholeness that prepared me to assist others in the way they deserved. My theory that the healer should first be healed themselves was well founded after all. All these years, my heart had been leading me to the most healing experiences possible in preparation for what I am now pursuing in my life.

Out of all the decisions that I made of my life, I RARELY got exactly what I came for. Instead, I received what I needed for my own highest good. And there is a point I am leading up to with all this: I focused on the essence of my true life passion all this time while following what felt true to me. I didn’t choose a safer career or a more traditional school. I didn’t stay living in the same area or working for the same job just for the sake of it being more convenient. I focused on my healing journey and my spiritual practices, and I did what made my heart sing. Things are not perfect. Life never is. But I use areas of struggle as signals to look within and as opportunities for grow. And somehow, using this formula, my career is falling into place.

My Story 3: Wandering the Neighborhood

This post is going to focus a lot on being neglected by my mother. Here is a picture of us together when I was very young. She made the matching outfits.

Me and my mother.

I spent a good portion of my life in denial. How do I know this? Because for a long time I thought nothing of what I had been through as a child.

For example, who finds it "normal" that they were left to do whatever they wanted to do at the age of 2 or 3 years old? Not only did it take years for me to realize that this was not healthy, but it wasn't until the age of 40 years old that I realized I was severely neglected, both physically and emotionally.

As a toddler I remember leaving the apartment by myself. The memories are choppy, but I'll do my best to write them down cohesively.

I often played out on the playground in front of our building unattended.  This was quite normal. I think mom would be out there sometimes. Either way, I was quite content to be out there on my own playing with the other kids.

I remember stepping onto a huge piece of glass with the heel of my foot one time. Not having shoes on was the norm. I didn't cry. It didn't even hurt that much. Was mom there outside with me at the time? I don't remember. I do know that I was able to go to her to mend my foot.

Perhaps my mother assumed that I always stayed at the playground but eventually I started wandering around the apartment complex on my own. One might wonder where my father was. Well, this was all happening while he was at work so I don't think he really knew what was going on.

I often hung out with the bigger kids as they wandered and played around the neighborhood. I barely knew who these kids were, but being so young, I automatically felt a connection with other kids. One time I walked around the whole neighborhood with a group of young teenagers. I didn't even know who they were but I followed them around! Eventually I did go back home on my own accord.

Anyone could have done anything with me at that age. I could have been scooped up by a kidnapper and nobody would have known.

Me at the age of 2 or 3, running in the yard at Grandma's house.

One time a man approached me. I assumed him to be some kind of maintenance worker. He took me into something that looked like a shed, some kind of supply structure. I remember not being sure whether to trust this, but I went in with him anyway. He seemed to make some kind of phone call from the structure. Or maybe he was on a walkie talkie. I really can't remember. In fact, I don't even know if I'm remembering this right! After a few minutes I left the structure. I have no idea what happened next. Maybe I went back home.

I remember walking down the sidewalk one day and seeing a piece of soft pretzel on the sidewalk. It was the perfect sized piece for a toddler. :) I crouched down and peered at it. It sure looked good! I watched as a single ant climbed into one of the nooks of the pretzel. It did not come back out. I picked the pretzel up to investigate and could not figure out where that ant went. Giving up on finding the ant, I took a bite of the pretzel. Yum. lol

This story is a bit lighter, but another time, I decided to go to the pool by myself. Unlike the other times, this time my father was home. I took my shirt off so that I only had my shorts on. I decided that these were my "trunks" just like daddy wore. I also thought that "trunks" were the same thing as a pool pass, since my father would always say, "I need to get the pass" before putting his swimming trunks on. But I never saw him carrying a card around, just him in his trunks. Hence the confusion. So, here I was, all ready to go to the pool with my trunks/pass. I ran with excitement all the way to the pool, never stopping the entire way, and jumped straight into the water when I got there. The lifeguard said something about me not being allowed to be there. And I responded, "It's okay. I've got my pass on!" Haha :) Soon after dad came to get me and we went home much to my disappointment.

I remember mom had the window to our apartment open one time. I was looking out of this window and noticed a lady from another building sitting on the ledge of her window. This looked like fun so I decided to do it too. We lived on the second floor by the way. Somehow I managed to get myself on the ledge of the window, perhaps by climbing on top of a chair. There was no screen, just the opening to the outside world. I balanced myself and sat myself down. I was there for a moment and suddenly I heard my mother gasp as she swooped me off of the ledge.

When I was a bit older, I decided that I wanted to take my infant brother to the playground. I had to have been close to 4 years old at this time. I picked up my brother, a few months old at the time, and somehow carried him down the stairwell!  I took him outdoors, placed him on a swing, and started pushing him. I was only there for a few moments before mom was right down there with us, taking us back inside.

I guess not all of my stories are so bleak. And my experiences of wandering the neighborhood alone weren't so bad. However, it's an indication of what was going on more deeply under the surface. 

Here is a picture my mother took of me at 9 months old:

Me at 9 months.

 My mother gave me this picture a long time ago. I can't find the picture at the time of this writing, but on the back my mother wrote something that goes like this:

You are nine months old in this picture. I made the hat and sweater. Sorry but I fell asleep and left you outside! The paper boy woke me up. It was raining a little bit and you weren't even crying.

 I showed this picture to the shaman one day during a healing session. He looked at it and shook his head with disgust. He then shoved the picture in my face and said, "What would you tell a client if they showed you a picture of themselves like this?" I think he was trying to drive the point home how neglected I was.

Eventually a cop picked me up on the street one day. Just three or four years old and I had my first run in with the law. ;) My aunt tells me that this was the final straw and that my parents were kicked out of the apartment complex because mom wouldn't watch me properly. My "hijinks" of escaping the confines of our apartment to explore the outside world would soon come to an end.

At about age 4 or so, my brother and I ended up moving to Grandma and Grandad's house for a while. Here, we were watched over and received good care for the next couple of years. I thank god for the nurturing love of my grandma. Without her I wouldn't know what it would be like to receive any type of motherly love.

Read more about my life story here.

My Story 2: Childhood Nightmares

I still recall a few dreams from my toddler and early childhood years. Here, I will talk about two that indicated my subconscious awareness of my mother's sickness.

I'm not sure how old I was in this dream, perhaps about 1 - 2 1/2 years old. I was on a dining table and crawling toward my mother who sat at the other end encouraging me very positively. I got to the middle of the table when suddenly the table tilted at an angle and I felt myself beginning to slide toward the edge. I struggled to center myself on the table and looked at my mother. She laughed with amusement and did nothing to help me. I was in a panick and feared falling, still struggling to stay on the table. It did not seem to even register with my mother that I was in danger. I knew then that she would not help me and that I'd have to fend for myself.

Later, when I was about five, I had another dream about my mother. My father and I were living with my grandparents at the time, and in my dream we walked into my grandparents' bedroom together. My mother was sitting on a chair against a wall. She had no eyes and I could see into all of her orifices. There was a fire raging inside her head, which I saw as I looked into eye sockets, nostrils, mouth, and ears. There was nothing in her head except this fire. I was afraid and very disturbed.

Even as a young child with no knowledge of what mental illness or abuse even meant, I obviously knew at some level that my mother was unstable and "sick in the head." Looking back at my childhood, I now know the level of neglect and abuse she put me through, and it is no wonder that I had these disturbing dreams.

Read more about my life story here.

Reminder to Self

Listen to icaros in preparation for my trip to Peru. I have a feeling it will help with the fear, and will also help me to open up to the medicina.

My Story: 1. My first memory

My first memory was a dream.
I was old enough to walk, but was still drinking out of a bottle. So, maybe 1 to 2 1//2 years old? I remember climbing onto the living room couch in the apartment my parents and I lived in. At some point I fell asleep.

I dreamed that I floated up to the ceiling, becoming smaller as I did so, and entered the space between our apartment and the unit above us. The space transformed into a dark cave. I could see the opening of the cave, which allowed in some light.

Two monk-like figures came from the back of the back of the cave. I think they were wearing brown robes and one was taller than the other. They were talking about some very important information having to do with my life. I don't know how I knew this because I couldn't hear what they were saying. But I knew some very important decisions had to be made about the course of my life. I could tell that it was serious.

Sensing the seriousness of the matter, especially that it concerned MY life, I went up to the monks so I could join in the discussion. I wanted to be included too! I ran up and stood in front of them. They completely ignored me as if I wasn't even there. I felt incredibly excluded and bad about this. Why wouldn't they talk to me?

I finally gave up and watched as the monks eventually walked out of the mouth of the cave into the bright light outside. I considered leaving the cave as well. I was curious to see what the world outside was like, but felt insecure about doing so. Since the cave was known, it felt safer to stay where I was than to risk getting lost in the big world that existed outside.

I woke up, went into the kitchen, and my mother got a bottle out of the refrigerator for me to drink.

Until recently, this experience has always been a mystery to me. First of all, this dream is pretty mystical for a 2 year old! How would I have known what a monk was? And perhaps even more important, how the heck does a 2 year old know to think about the seriousness of future life decisions? 2 year olds do not think about themselves in the future that way. These questions were answered about 40 years later when I went to go see a shaman. I will save what he said for another time. :)

Read more about my life story here.

Telling my story

I've decided I'm going to tell my story on this blog, from beginning to where I am now.

I'm going to share my lowest lows, my childhood wounding, the depression, the social anxiety disorder, the unworthiness that plagued my life.

I'm also going to share how I healed all that. How serendipity brought spirituality into my life and ended up changing my world. How I found my Shadow, and began my healing path, and how I discovered that there is NO SEPARATION between spiritual and psychological healing.

Perhaps that is one of the morals to my story: That when we heal, we heal mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. IT ALL TIES IN TOGETHER.

I want to share how I scratched and clawed my way out of misery--and did so only because I KNEW there had to be a better way, there HAD to be something BETTER. (I credit this faith alone to 90% of my healing.)

I've thought about sharing my story for a long time now. I don't want to share the full details without anonymity at this time because I have family (aunts, uncles, cousins) who I am very close to that would be devastated by my childhood--at the family secrets that existed. I would rather keep my extended family happy and oblivious rather then scar them with unnecessary news.

My family has no idea this blog exists. Some of my friends do, and my good friends already know my secrets. So, this is the perfect platform to share my life.

If sharing my story helps another person then it is worth sharing. I feel whole and complete now. I'm no longer ashamed at what has happened to me. So I feel that if I can share my story then I'm almost obligated to because of the value it contains.

For so long I was trapped in shame and unworthiness. It was awful. I want to spread the word that HEALING IS POSSIBLE. Healing comes in SO MANY FORMS.

For so long I always knew it was possible for me to be happy. But for so long it seemed to always elude me, and I questioned if it would ever happen in this lifetime. No one deserves to suffer. No one. Healing is here for everyone.

Read about my story here.

Abusive parents also create spiritual abuse

Here is my theory about blocks, resistance, frustration, and anger having to do with spirituality. I feel these limitations often (but not always) stem from early childhood experiences of distrust and betrayal from our caretakers.

If you think about it, during childhood, especially during infancy and the toddler years, our parents (or caretakers) are our "gods" so to speak. I have long felt that my spiritual fears and blocks were due to the abuse and betrayal I experienced as a child.

Before the shaman healed what I called "spiritual anger" a couple weeks ago, I had an incessant need to know what was true and what wasn't. This came from a sense of distrust. My mind was also extremely angry at how needlessly complicated the spirit world seemed to be. This came from a sense of betrayal, the idea that "You are here for me in the way I need you to be!"

The shaman seemed to agree with me.

Since the healing my spiritual life has a sense of expansion and flow to it. I can still practice shamanism while also studying A Course in Miracles and Tibetan Buddhism without becoming frustrated by their differences.

During the healing I stated, "There should be a flow in being able to study different spiritual paths and teachings, not this frustration and anger!" And somehow I was able to get my wish!

A New Beginning

The past few days have been wonderful. I am finally free of the niggling irritation that had held onto me the last couple months. There has been no anger. Just manageable human emotions--some pleasant, some not as much, but the negative is relatively minor, never all consuming, and always temporary.

Last night I realized with some disappointment that this stage of my healing adventure is over. I was feeling a bit lost, perhaps even shame (??) at no longer having a "security blanket" to hold onto (because woundedness=attention and love in the form of being healed), as I slipped into this area of transition.  I then sensed a new beginning, which provided some reassurance. 

Almost exactly a year to this date, I had a conversation with a woman who ran an ayahuasca retreat for five years. I met her on my 41st birthday filled with fears, concerns, and questions. Our hour and a half conversation not only assuaged me into doing ayahuasca, but also sparked my interest in seeing the shaman. Both were necessary for my healing and spiritual growth.

I look back and see how I was guided into this mysterious, exciting, transforming adventure. At times it was terrifying. And there were moments when I wanted to die. But if that's what it took to heal, to feel the peace that I now experience, I would gladly do it again! But I digress...

This same woman came to visit me where I work the day after my 10th and "last" healing with the shaman. The synchronicity of this was wonderful! I felt like I had come full circle. I have a smile on my face as I write this.

And since this last healing, I've become interested in other spiritual teachings again. Specifically A Course in Miracles. I plan to read the full text and finally complete the lessons I had started about 15 years ago. I seem to have a new, even gentler, perspective on these teachings now. In the past, my ego would eventually see the teachings as a threat, and I always felt judged for doing it "wrong." So I would have to stop practicing after a few months. Now I realize that it was my ego self sabotaging itself.

There is no wrong! There is only love. A Course in Miracles teaches about forgiveness. In the past, I always felt so overwhelmed by everything that I had to "forgive" while doing these teachings. And I was so overwhelmed about how loving I "had" to be. But it was always only MYSELF I had to forgive! And I can be right exactly who I am and still be lovable, even if it is not some made up idea of how I'm supposed to be. How simple and loving is that? I am grateful for this realization.

I am grateful for a lot of things. Most of all, I am grateful to be at a place emotionally and spiritually where I can experience gratitude, because there were many time in my life when I simply could not.

I am forever grateful to the mysterious workings of the universe, to the compassionate spirits that exist, and to the healers who serve as humble conduits of healing love--a love that is more powerful than we we mere humans can conjure up ourselves. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this healing!

May I never lose this sense of humble gratitude. For I sense that this, somehow, is the key to a peaceful life.

10th Healing Ceremony

Today was my 10th healing ceremony. There were a couple of interesting synchronicities. First of all, both the shaman and I felt this was the last and final healing for this part of my journey. I'd finally climbed over that mountain. Secondly, we both got the same message from the spirits we journeyed with: that my life has not been screwed up because of everything that's happened to me. Everything is fine.

Because my annoyance and anger from the other day stemmed from nothing, the shaman theorized that the wounding came from before I was consciously aware. Perhaps trauma as an infant or even trauma passed down to me from my mother when I was a fetus in the womb. During his journey, however, the shaman found that neither was the case. Apparently an ancestor of mine experienced great trauma that was passed down through the generations.

Yeah, I know. Pretty hard to believe. My skeptical side was saying uh-huh, yeah right! But...I went along with it. I know the shaman believes with all of his being that this is true, so I am letting go and trusting the shaman as much as I can with this. My life did, after all, change tremendously since my healings with him began.

This time a year ago, I was miserable and depressed for no known reason.

Today, I am happier than I've been in decades. Even a bad day feel great in comparison to how I used to feel.

So, I for the next week or so I will observe how things go, keeping a watch for the irritation and anger that had been creeping up for the past couple months.

Of course, as is typical, after the healing I felt great. I stopped to get some dinner afterwards, and the sun shining in the shopping center parking lot seemed glorious. Everything looked beautiful, fresh, and new. I was reminded of when I came back from Peru--full of wonder and possibilities.

However, things took a slight turn when I went to a metaphysical shop on the way home. The vibe of people cursing (both customers and employees) turned me off, as well as the audible complaints of the cashier lamenting his childhood, his crappy parents, his complicated life... It just felt bad to be around all that. So I left.

I then went to the grocery store where I was easily annoyed by other shoppers. They were doing silly, inane things like getting in the way and making crinkly noises with the bags in the pastry aisle. So the irritable thoughts were still there, but I wasn't necessarily feeling irritated. I pretty much felt neutral. Perhaps I need a way to vent out these remaining negative thoughts. In the meantime, I'll be keeping watch....we shall see how this healing turns out.

Unconscious Anger

I experienced intense anger two days after my 9th healing ceremony with the shaman, held this past Saturday. I have no idea where the anger came from. I wasn't angry because of anything in particular, but I was extremely annoyed at everything. It was intense frustration that endlessly looped onto itself, a temper tantrum at nothing. There was nothing to be angry at, which made the situation even more infuriating. My thoughts began to spiral. I hadn't experienced anything this intense this since last summer.

I figured this was some kind of release due to the healing I'd just had. I contacted the shaman, and he said that it was most likely anger from an unconscious source. He would like to track this unconscious anger, remove it, and then do a soul retrieval to replace what has been removed.

This is all so frustrating and confusing to me. 10th healing session is tomorrow. In the mean time I am trying to be mindful of my anger so that it can come up into my consciousness. This slideshare on releasing hidden anger is helpful. Also, praying a lot to Jesus and putting this into his hands. I'm at a loss and have no idea what to do. Help me, spirits!

Healing is...

Since being healed*, I realize that my former way of thinking no longer exists. The difference between now and then is that I'm no longer attached to the negative thinking and beliefs that were behind the depression.

What can we do to distance ourselves from the negative thinking? That is where healing comes in.

It doesn't matter how we heal as long as the end result allows to be more connected to our true sense of wholeness, which is peaceful thinking.

*Not to imply that I am completely healed...I've still got some work to do. :)

What's Going On

I'm at a more level place of acceptance right now. The intense transformations I've been going through are starting to make sense.

I'm realizing more and more, that all that stuff about human consciousness rising and world ascension is true. These ideas resonated with me before, but now I am realizing the absolute truth of it. And what blows me away is that SPIRIT IS ACTUALLY BEHIND ALL OF THIS. There really are forces at work beyond our physical realm helping to create a new world, a new humankind. It is happening to our collective world right now--it HAS been happening for a while.

And now I know that it has been happening to me!

All those messages from teachers such as Eckhart Tolle and from books such as Oneness saying "get ready for a the world to change," blah blah blah. I am reading those teachings again, years later, and they resonate on a much deeper level. Something inside speaks to me and says, "YES, THIS IS IT!"

I realized the other night that Spirit is all I have ever really cared about in life! Spiritual connection has always been my first love. That is why it swept me away from my poor husband. I was seduced by the invisible realm. And now my consciousness has opened to clearer understanding of it all.

I feel so fulfilled in life these days. I spend most of my time alone, yet I never feel lonely. Aside from missing good sex, I don't even want a relationship. My apartment must be filled with compassionate spirits because the energy here always feels so warm and nice. Friends have even commented on this.

I often wonder why I have healed and transformed so quickly in my life compared to other people I know. The only difference I can tell is the lack of spiritual connection. Those who don't heal either do not make the commitment to healing themselves or they don't have a healthy spiritual life. I think these things go hand in hand when it comes to healing and transformation, but I'm not exactly sure. Suffering sucks so much. I know so well what hell suffering can be. I can only pray that those who suffer will find their way toward opening and healing their minds. What else can I do? If I knew how I could help others learn how to heal, I would do it!

From Suffering to Being Present

I love this interview with Eckart Tolle. He goes into more detail about his personal life than usual.

I am particularly interested in what he has to say about how his path as a teacher evolved. It is not something he chose, but something that chose him. For many years after his awakening, his external life was the same. At some point individuals started coming to him with question. Then that evolved into small group teachings. And then he wrote a book based on what he taught...and then things went on from there.

Anita Moorjani says that one's life purpose will naturally evolve for us when we have learned to love ourselves. This is good to hear. Recently I have stopped trying to be successful at my "life purpose," which gave me a sense of value in this world--but could also fail. Relying on anything that could fail seems, to me at least, an unreliable source of inner value. What I truly value in this life that can't fail is authenticity, self love, healing, and spiritual connection, which are the most important priorities in my life. Those are now my life purpose. And if something else naturally springs forth from that then I will at least know that what I'm doing is in alignment with the greater good.

Finally, at 48:05 Eckhart talks about reaching surrender. He says, "You won't be able to surrender unless you are completely fed up with suffering." This resonates with me and how I felt before getting the shamanic healing done. I was just so done with the depression, and saw how ridiculous my suffering had been. Life wasn't adding up in any emotionally logical way anymore (if that makes sense). I truly was no longer seeing the point of life or living for myself or any living being--the constant suffering of life seemed to outweigh any advantages to living. Perhaps I needed to get to that point to have a deep understanding of the value of living a healed and whole life? (Big question mark there.)

9th Healing Ceremony: The Second Chakra

I noticed while using Palo Santa that I could sense the energies of all my chakras except for the second one, my sacral chakra. I put this realization together with the back pain I've had for almost 10 years--which has gotten progressively and significantly worse since last year. I contacted the shaman and he said that connecting the back pain to second chakra issues was a good theory. 

I was reminded of when I first went to see the shaman 8 months ago, because once again a large part of me was doubtful that I would get much from the healing. However, I am willing to do whatever it takes to become healed, so I was glad to take a chance.

Soon after the healing ceremony began, and once he started asking me questions about the core reasons behind my blocked chakra, I became a little nervous. I suddenly realized we were going to be venturing into dark territory: the sexual abuse of my past.

This is a topic I have not discussed in detail with him before. In fact, less than a handful of people know what happened. But I've developed enough trust over the past 8 months to open up to him. In fact, I am reminded now about one of my very first visions during my blissed out experience. My heart opened up to him, and I let him in. I sensed that he was safe and could be trusted. And I also sensed that by initiating contact with him, a sequence of events began that could not be stopped. That once these changes in me started rolling--the consequential healing effects on me and my physical life--they could not be stopped, and that we would end up working together for a very long time. But that is a story for another time...

Working with the shaman's questions, we discovered that my sexual abuse was linked with feelings of terror. Not that the sexual abuse caused the feelings of terror, but that I was often living in a situation where I felt terror when the sexual abuse occurred. I had never made this connection before. These feelings of terror and the loss of trust, the feelings of betrayal, and especially the loss of freedom to be and do what I wanted, caused by perpetrators who were supposed to love and protect me--it took away my sense of personal power in this world. 

And, although I am miles from where I was just 8 eight months ago, I still have issues of feeling "hated" by people in certain situations. Quite unreasonable, I know. But we thought this might be linked to the terror I felt, especially as a child. Maybe this is something to revisit?

The healing proceeded as usual, which him holding the space while telling me to connect with and then let go of these feelings. He used his feather to clean the area while guiding me through the process using his counseling skills, asking me questions to help me connect with the core trauma. After this, he put his hand over my second chakra and instilled healing energies, telling me to focus on any sensations. It felt very warm, and I kept getting visions of bright orange colors.

Afterwards, I felt lighter and kind of out of it. I did feel like I connected better with my 2nd chakra later that night. However, I'll see how things progress. We did discuss possibly needing to journey to restore my sense of power if things do not significantly improve. I'm wondering if these feelings of terror and "self hate" need to be addressed though. Yet another layer as we dig through the wounds of my past.