Having had my perceived life needs and attachments ripped away, the choice is either to transcend this ego death or suffer intensely.
I've been reading/watching/listening to Eckhart Tolle a lot lately. Funny how I have a much deeper understanding of his teachings than when I first encountered his book A New Earth back in 2009. I've been reading and practicing A Course in Miracles as well.
I have the understanding now that nothing in my life means anything. In other words, everything is ephemeral. Everything is temporary. There is nothing in this world that can guarantee everlasting joy, peace, or happiness. Nothing.
The only peace we can guarantee for ourselves is the peace we manage to eke out on our own, through mindfulness and a deep, abiding acceptance of What Is. If we are lucky, perhaps we will even catch a glimpse of pure consciousness.
I've made a lot of changes since my last ayahuasca retreat and the subsequent depression that occurred. I've taken myself completely off Facebook, something I'd been addicted to for the past nine years. I'm also going to disconnect my home internet service. I've made peace my primary goal in life, if that can even be a "goal." But I now know that there is nothing else in this world that really matters or can even be counted on. So I focus on reading my spiritual books and doing my spiritual practices. I try to meditate every day and cultivate presence and acceptance. I've given up on creating goals and choose instead to focus on simply being. All I truly want anymore in life is for my state of beingness to align with the will of the universe.
Right now it doesn't seem like a very exciting life, but compared to how I was feeling just one month ago, which was borderline suicidal, I will gladly take it.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Monday, May 11, 2015
Life Purpose: Necessity or Source of Misery?
I decided today to let go of any idea of a "life purpose." As soon as I let this "need" go, I started feeling significant relief from my depression.
Once we decide upon a life purpose, or even declare that we need to have a life purpose, we limit ourselves into something we are "supposed to be" or "supposed to do." This in turn blocks our ability to be free in the moment because our brains are too busy trying to figure out what we "should" be doing next.
Check out this article: Living a Good Life Without a Purpose
Think about indigenous societies, or even third world cultures. Having been to Peru, I've seen how such communities focus more on friends and family than US culture. They live together, work together, eat together, and play together. Yes, these people have their own struggles and challenges as well, but it seems to me that life is so much more simple.
I often feel like I just don't belong in this culture, but maybe it is our success-driven culture that has it wrong.
As an experiment, I will be letting go of any need to succeed or have any purpose for the next six weeks. I'll have two ayahuasca ceremonies at the end of these six weeks, so it will be interesting to see what happens.
Once we decide upon a life purpose, or even declare that we need to have a life purpose, we limit ourselves into something we are "supposed to be" or "supposed to do." This in turn blocks our ability to be free in the moment because our brains are too busy trying to figure out what we "should" be doing next.
Check out this article: Living a Good Life Without a Purpose
Consider changing the imperative pursuit of finding your life purpose to making it more important to discover “what gives meaning to my life today.
Think about indigenous societies, or even third world cultures. Having been to Peru, I've seen how such communities focus more on friends and family than US culture. They live together, work together, eat together, and play together. Yes, these people have their own struggles and challenges as well, but it seems to me that life is so much more simple.
I often feel like I just don't belong in this culture, but maybe it is our success-driven culture that has it wrong.
As an experiment, I will be letting go of any need to succeed or have any purpose for the next six weeks. I'll have two ayahuasca ceremonies at the end of these six weeks, so it will be interesting to see what happens.
Friday, May 8, 2015
CryQuest: A map towards healing that makes sense
I just discovered CryQuest, an excellent resource on emotional healing.
The premise is not new. We need to allow ourselves to feel the pain and then cry to process and release it. CryQuest helps readers to navigate the process of feeling emotions again, and offers a wealth of information and steps to follow for the healing process. Check it out at http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/index.html
The premise is not new. We need to allow ourselves to feel the pain and then cry to process and release it. CryQuest helps readers to navigate the process of feeling emotions again, and offers a wealth of information and steps to follow for the healing process. Check it out at http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/index.html
Sunday, May 3, 2015
The Return
Some day, if you are lucky,
you’ll return from a thunderous journey
trailing snake scales, wing fragments
and the musk of Earth and moon.
Eyes will examine you for signs
of damage, or change
and you, too, will wonder
if your skin shows traces
of fur, or leaves,
if thrushes have built a nest
of your hair, if Andromeda
burns from your eyes.
Do not be surprised by prickly questions
from those who barely inhabit
their own fleeting lives, who barely taste
their own possibility, who barely dream.
If your hands are empty, treasureless,
if your toes have not grown claws,
if your obedient voice has not
become a wild cry, a howl,
you will reassure them. We warned you,
they might declare, there is nothing else,
no point, no meaning, no mystery at all,
just this frantic waiting to die.
And yet, they tremble, mute,
afraid you’ve returned without sweet
elixir for unspeakable thirst, without
a fluent dance or holy language
to teach them, without a compass
bearing to a forgotten border where
no one crosses without weeping
for the terrible beauty of galaxies
and granite and bone. They tremble,
hoping your lips hold a secret,
that the song your body now sings
will redeem them, yet they fear
your secret is dangerous, shattering,
and once it flies from your astonished
mouth, they–like you–must disintegrate
before unfolding tremulous wings.
-The Return by Geneen Marie Haugen
you’ll return from a thunderous journey
trailing snake scales, wing fragments
and the musk of Earth and moon.
Eyes will examine you for signs
of damage, or change
and you, too, will wonder
if your skin shows traces
of fur, or leaves,
if thrushes have built a nest
of your hair, if Andromeda
burns from your eyes.
Do not be surprised by prickly questions
from those who barely inhabit
their own fleeting lives, who barely taste
their own possibility, who barely dream.
If your hands are empty, treasureless,
if your toes have not grown claws,
if your obedient voice has not
become a wild cry, a howl,
you will reassure them. We warned you,
they might declare, there is nothing else,
no point, no meaning, no mystery at all,
just this frantic waiting to die.
And yet, they tremble, mute,
afraid you’ve returned without sweet
elixir for unspeakable thirst, without
a fluent dance or holy language
to teach them, without a compass
bearing to a forgotten border where
no one crosses without weeping
for the terrible beauty of galaxies
and granite and bone. They tremble,
hoping your lips hold a secret,
that the song your body now sings
will redeem them, yet they fear
your secret is dangerous, shattering,
and once it flies from your astonished
mouth, they–like you–must disintegrate
before unfolding tremulous wings.
-The Return by Geneen Marie Haugen
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Healing, Healing, and more Healing
I saw the shaman two days ago for a healing that could not have come fast enough.
After my last blog post, I became extremely depressed. With the illusion of my "life purpose" gone, the world became meaningless. My life suddenly felt like a waste. I had nothing to live for.
Both the shaman and I agree that I did not spend enough time doing ayahuasca in Peru. Because of work obligations, I could only stay for two weeks. Yet, in two weeks, I was only just beginning to touch on the deeper emotional stuff that needed to be worked on.
My last day there was spent crying on the porch of the ayahuasca center as we waited for our boat to arrive. I wasn't crying because I was sad to leave the ayahuasca center. I was crying because all my shit was coming up to the surface. I was an open wound and desperate not to be alone in Iquitos overnight.
Part of me had opened that hadn't opened in a long time. Inside was a raw vulnerable spot that needed to be touched by warmth and compassion. I kept thinking how healing it would be to have a good friend (therapist, lover, whoever) who truly cared to hold that kind of space for me. I had never felt this open and vulnerable before, not even with my husband.
Unfortunately, the kind of warmth, compassion, and support that I needed was not to be found in Peru, and the healing opportunity passed. I closed back up, came home, and fell into a deep darkness. My entire life seemed like a failure. I told the shaman that my highest hope for life at this point was to go back to Peru to live at an ayahuasca retreat, and hopefully get dengue so I could die an early death. We both laughed at this, even though I was very serious about this death wish.
The depression made me have serious doubts about the effectiveness of this healing session. With life feeling this hopeless, I thought there was no way the shaman or the spirits could break through the meaningless of this world.
The shaman and I began by laying on the floor for a journey. I was to journey to learn more about staying in spiritual connection, since spirituality is the most important thing in the world to me. The shaman did his own journey to seek and heal the biological reason for my depression. We both received the information that we needed, and then the shaman proceeded to do an energy healing on me.
This healing was very different than before. He poked me with his finger on my left side, at the bottom of my rib cage, and then did the same thing on my right side. He poked me again below my hips, first on my left side and then on my right.
What the heck is this? I thought.
He poked me in the same areas again and then "drew" an X with his fingers, crossing from the bottom left of my rib cage to the bottom right area below my hips. Then did the opposite to form another diagonal line, creating an invisible "X."
Ha, I could've done this myself at home! I inwardly laughed to myself.
Then he spoke, "Imagine that there is a sun right above this area and put all of your depression into it."
I did as he said.
"Now I'm going to call up [name of some spiritual beings that I can't remember] and have them help remove your depression," he said.
I felt the subtle energy of something in my back/shoulder/chest area. I thought that I was imagining it, but then after a few moments I felt absolutely nothing.
The healing was over and he told me to get up. I felt much better. Much more peaceful and relaxed. Life felt much better.
I went home and felt so sad about the suffering I had just been through. I journalled about the issues the shaman and I talked about, and then realized that I still needed to revisit and heal all the times I had suffered from depression in the past. The intense and relentless suffering from the depression that I had been through for so many years is what's keeping me stuck. It's not the trauma itself, but now my own life-long suffering that had traumatized me so much it has lodged into my cellular memory. I don't know how to purge this without doing ayahuasca.
I woke up early today feeling depressed. Then I fell back asleep and had some disturbing release dreams. Holes and weak areas in the floor of a parking garage that cars were falling through. Feeling like myself or others were in danger of falling through these holes as well. Being lost in an unknown neighborhood. Finding and joyfully greeting my husband's father, only to find out that he is angry at me for our failed relationship. I notice he is very frail and weak looking. He tells me to leave, that I am not wanted here.
I woke up feeling a little better though. Things are not as bleak.
The shaman and I have another healing scheduled in two weeks. In the mean time, I am seriously considering going back to Peru for 3 months. I will wait to see how things go in the next month or two before making any final decisions. If anything, life has taught me that things can turn on a dime. Things could be happening the way they are meant to for a reason. However, even if all of this is for the higher good, I am hoping these extreme ups and downs will come to rest soon.
After my last blog post, I became extremely depressed. With the illusion of my "life purpose" gone, the world became meaningless. My life suddenly felt like a waste. I had nothing to live for.
Both the shaman and I agree that I did not spend enough time doing ayahuasca in Peru. Because of work obligations, I could only stay for two weeks. Yet, in two weeks, I was only just beginning to touch on the deeper emotional stuff that needed to be worked on.
My last day there was spent crying on the porch of the ayahuasca center as we waited for our boat to arrive. I wasn't crying because I was sad to leave the ayahuasca center. I was crying because all my shit was coming up to the surface. I was an open wound and desperate not to be alone in Iquitos overnight.
Part of me had opened that hadn't opened in a long time. Inside was a raw vulnerable spot that needed to be touched by warmth and compassion. I kept thinking how healing it would be to have a good friend (therapist, lover, whoever) who truly cared to hold that kind of space for me. I had never felt this open and vulnerable before, not even with my husband.
Unfortunately, the kind of warmth, compassion, and support that I needed was not to be found in Peru, and the healing opportunity passed. I closed back up, came home, and fell into a deep darkness. My entire life seemed like a failure. I told the shaman that my highest hope for life at this point was to go back to Peru to live at an ayahuasca retreat, and hopefully get dengue so I could die an early death. We both laughed at this, even though I was very serious about this death wish.
The depression made me have serious doubts about the effectiveness of this healing session. With life feeling this hopeless, I thought there was no way the shaman or the spirits could break through the meaningless of this world.
The shaman and I began by laying on the floor for a journey. I was to journey to learn more about staying in spiritual connection, since spirituality is the most important thing in the world to me. The shaman did his own journey to seek and heal the biological reason for my depression. We both received the information that we needed, and then the shaman proceeded to do an energy healing on me.
This healing was very different than before. He poked me with his finger on my left side, at the bottom of my rib cage, and then did the same thing on my right side. He poked me again below my hips, first on my left side and then on my right.
What the heck is this? I thought.
He poked me in the same areas again and then "drew" an X with his fingers, crossing from the bottom left of my rib cage to the bottom right area below my hips. Then did the opposite to form another diagonal line, creating an invisible "X."
Ha, I could've done this myself at home! I inwardly laughed to myself.
Then he spoke, "Imagine that there is a sun right above this area and put all of your depression into it."
I did as he said.
"Now I'm going to call up [name of some spiritual beings that I can't remember] and have them help remove your depression," he said.
I felt the subtle energy of something in my back/shoulder/chest area. I thought that I was imagining it, but then after a few moments I felt absolutely nothing.
The healing was over and he told me to get up. I felt much better. Much more peaceful and relaxed. Life felt much better.
I went home and felt so sad about the suffering I had just been through. I journalled about the issues the shaman and I talked about, and then realized that I still needed to revisit and heal all the times I had suffered from depression in the past. The intense and relentless suffering from the depression that I had been through for so many years is what's keeping me stuck. It's not the trauma itself, but now my own life-long suffering that had traumatized me so much it has lodged into my cellular memory. I don't know how to purge this without doing ayahuasca.
I woke up early today feeling depressed. Then I fell back asleep and had some disturbing release dreams. Holes and weak areas in the floor of a parking garage that cars were falling through. Feeling like myself or others were in danger of falling through these holes as well. Being lost in an unknown neighborhood. Finding and joyfully greeting my husband's father, only to find out that he is angry at me for our failed relationship. I notice he is very frail and weak looking. He tells me to leave, that I am not wanted here.
I woke up feeling a little better though. Things are not as bleak.
The shaman and I have another healing scheduled in two weeks. In the mean time, I am seriously considering going back to Peru for 3 months. I will wait to see how things go in the next month or two before making any final decisions. If anything, life has taught me that things can turn on a dime. Things could be happening the way they are meant to for a reason. However, even if all of this is for the higher good, I am hoping these extreme ups and downs will come to rest soon.
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