Still Effing Depressed and Thoughts about Life Purpose

I woke up today feeling a little less depressed than I've been the past few days. So, that's an improvement.

Things are still gloomy though.

I'm sick of my life being about healing, healing, healing. Since the age of 23, self improvement and healing has been all my life has been about. I thought I would end up doing something great from that experience.

Not only have I healed and improved significantly, but I've learned so much. I always wanted to pass on this knowledge and insight in order to help others. However, if I'm STILL getting depressed at this stage in life. Well, at this point I feel like it's better if I just give up on any grand dreams of fulfilling some kind of life purpose.

The shaman said something interesting in his last email to me. It's something he's alluded to before. He said that we heal, and after we have healed our life purpose is then revealed to us.

Well, this made me think of all the dreams and goals for fulfilling my purpose in life, and I realized that it is all made up. I mean, yeah, we follow our passion, we follow where our heart leads us. I truly believe in doing that. But as far as THE life purpose, THE thing we are supposed to do in life...that is a story.

Having said this, I'm seriously considering giving up on my life coaching practice. With all the emotional ups and downs and interruptions from my psycho-spiritual healing crisis that began last year, I just can't do it. I've spent so much time and energy thinking of ideas to get my business going, but I can't seem to implement any them. In addition to that, I just can't coach when I'm depressed! And this past week is proof that I still have issues with that, even though I thought my depression was cured 6 months ago after my first trip to Peru.

It makes me sad and deflated to say this. But I'm sick of chasing dreams that don't end up happening. I'd rather life just pick me up and throw me into wwhatever it is it wants me to do.

I'm sick of the efforting. I'm sick of always trying to figure things out.  Of trying to force things to happen that just don't seem to want to happen.

(And who wants life coaching from someone with THAT kind of attitude???)

Fuck it.

I have another healing with the shaman tomorrow. Wish me well.

xo