Clearing old archetypes of fear

I've gone from feeling super connected to spirit to not wanting to even look at spirit. Wanting to deny all of my experiences. Being angry at the shaman. Something inside me screaming, "This spiritual stuff is not true! It's all a bunch of bullshit!"

Today especially, I woke up feeling extremely depressed. Sad, confused, spiritually disconnected, and very angry. Connecting with a spirit last week did something to my ego on a very deep level. Again, I am reminded that how we feel is often very much at the mercy of our subconscious selves. Our biology, our unconscious thoughts and belief systems, the gaps within our spiritual connection, and our forgotten unhealed wounds.

I realized there was no way I could go to the sweat lodge this Saturday. I almost wrote the shaman to cancel. But then, by some miracle, I started feeling better. All these odd feelings swirling around. Some light and angelic. Some heavy and dark.

The shaman says this spiritual denial is due to an old archetypal thought system. I assume it's the archetype of fear related to our true spiritual connection. Funny how I JUST wrote about that recently. Little did I know what was coming for me.

My experiences last week spurred this area of my ego into rebellion. It's so crazy. First feeling the depth of spirit like I've never felt before, showing me that the spirit world is real, creating heart connections, and giving me messages. And now this. I went from dedicating my life to spirit to wanting to deny any of it exists.

It is no accident that all of this is happening just before my trip to Peru. The shaman will provide healing next Wednesday, April Fool's Day. But then I will arrive at the ayahuasca center in Peru on Easter Sunday, where I hope to obtain some real clarity and understanding.

My life has been a whirlwind of healing and spiritual experiences ever since that fateful day last year when I first went to go see the shaman. What does it all mean? Is it leading up to something like I'd been intuiting? What are my spiritual gifts that the shaman insists I have? What is is it that spirit wants me to do? Who is this person that I'm transforming into? Will I finally be at a place where I know what to do in my life? Where I can finally start serving others?

I have so many questions.  I hope and pray that this is all unfolding in a way that will be meaningful and beneficial for all involved. I am putting all of my trust in the universe right now.

Latched onto my heart

Three days ago I had an experience that I'm still reeling from. It seems like it's been a week, and I'm surprised I didn't write about this yet.

My consciousness opened up and I felt the warm embrace of love. Something locked onto my heart. I strongly felt there was some kind of mission or job I was meant to do. How did I know this? Imagine feeling like you just got hired for your dream job. That's how I felt.

I suddenly knew about the existence of the spirit world. It's like a drawing on a piece of paper lifting up and becoming alive. Suddenly I just knew, and I don't know how that happened. I felt glimpses of the spirit world. How loving and compassionate it is. How it blows everything about this world out of the water.

I felt so in love with spirit. I was enraptured in its loving embrace. I kept telling it, "I love you! I love you!" And it seemed to be telling me that back. The love I felt was undeniable.

I knew then that spirit would be my life from then on. I have never felt so content, loved, and taken care of. I am so serious and in love with spirit that I would do anything to stay on this path. It is more important than having a relationship, more important than my job. I feel so dedicated to this path, and I am glad to be on it!

Now, the feelings have died down, but the knowledge is still there. The important thing is that I got the message. I have a mission. There is a spirit world. Spirit is my life now.

This unnamed archetype of fear

What is this archetype of fear that plagues not only people who have gone through spiritually transformative experiences, but a society who denies and even condemns those who have gone through them?

I see it as a deeply subconscious epidemic of the collective consciousness. A fear of Spirit and Oneness. It is so deep that most people in this society don't even see it. 

Oneness connects to the heart. The heart connects us all. Without connection there is no harmony.

To see that there actually is another realm makes Oneness real. It makes our material human lives less significant. It challenges everything about our belief systems. This is terrifying to the human mind.

But if people only realized how beautiful the spirit realm is. It is magnificent beyond what we can imagine here on earth. We only know what we have here, and are therefore attached to it. But imagine a state of love and warmth the overshadows what anything else on this earth can provide.

Our fear of Oneness somehow ties in with the deterioration of this world. We are not in harmony because fear has taken priority over Oneness and Harmony. I believe this fear is something that needs to be healed if we are to survive as a species.

What does it mean when I don't feel spiritually conected?

A friend recently asked me about going "in and out" of spiritual connection. Those weren't her exact words, but it was something along the lines of, "I don't always feel like I'm connected to this feeling of being spiritual. Sometimes I'm out of that connection."

This is completely normal. Just because you don't feel connected, it doesn't mean that spirit isn't connecting with you, or that you are no longer "being spiritual."

From my experience, when I don't feel connected with spirit it's because something is blocking me. Usually it is because of something that needs to be healed.

Spirit is ALWAYS there with you. Spirit ALWAYS hears your prayers. It is WE who are separated, usually because of deep subconscious blocks. These blocks are embedded deep like an ice berg. Even if we think we can see our blocks, usually there run far deeper than we are able to conceptualize.

Sometimes the spirits will help us out with feeling a better connection by giving us a little boost of inspiration or love. Sometimes we may find this inspiration and love through a book, movie, music, or nature. Or it may be found in something else that "speaks" to us.

Faith plays an important role in connecting to spirit. But I realize that it is sometimes impossible to even have faith. My advice in this case is to not push yourself to believe or feel something you can't.

I went through several periods of my life, suffering deep depression, where I could not feel faith let alone any connection with spirit. During these times of my life I was forced to look within to seek answers. I also believe these dark periods of life are sometimes used for purging. Or maybe even some kind of growth that we are simply unconscious to. During these times, don't be hard on yourself for not feeling connected with spirit, but do something that feels good. Try to follow your heart--this is following our own inner spirit, which is probably even more important that trying to feel an external connection to spirit.

What I told my friend is that I use daily spiritual practice to keep the momentum going. For me, this involves calling out to my spirit guides every day and prayer. I told her that there have been days where it felt like I was just going through the motions, trying to get it over with so I could go on to something else. But there have been other days where I feel very connected while doing the practices.

Now I know that the spirits hear me no matter how I connected I felt during the practice. Yes, it does help when we are feeling loving and connected, but it is okay if we don't feel that way. The spirits appreciate all of our efforts, and know that we are doing the best that we can.

xo

Transitions

For the past week my left hand has been twitching, I've been smelling a certain telltale smell, and I've been waking up at 5am. I decided to go to sleep at 9pm in order to get enough sleep. I dreamt and then was woken by the wind. My eyes still shut, I wondered what time it was.

For some reason I counted in my mind 3 hours from the time I went to sleep "10, 11, 12"... I opened my eyes and looked at the clocked, shocked to see that it was only midnight and that I had only slept for 3 hours. Dammit. I had forgotten that going to sleep earlier during this state only meant waking up earlier.

For the past two days, I've felt a very light crystalline presence within me. I am completely enraptured with spirit. Completely in love with spirit. I know that spirit will be my life from now on. This new light is very subtle, but if I am very still and listen closely, it feels like a million angels singing.

Before going to bed, I tried connecting with this light and it started to feel like a presence. I became frightened and emailed the shaman. I then smudged my bedroom while calling out to my spirit helpers. I surrounded myself with objects of power and beauty: flowers, stones, a sketch of Antlered Doe. Took my mesa into my bed with me. Somehow I became more peaceful and went to sleep.

I feel content in a way that I never thought possible before. I couldn't care less if I never get a boyfriend again in my life. Spirit is my new boyfriend. Besides, how easy is it to find a lover that is on the same frequency as this angelic inner light? I am already in love with the divine. What more do I need?

I wonder if my estranged husband would understand. If knowing abut my transition will bring him peace. Is it worth sharing? Or will it just piss him off?

I remember when I first went to go see the shaman. He said I had some gifts. I didn't know what to think of this but thought it was cool. He instructed me to go to a natural water source and do a specific ceremony. I am almost drawn to go to that same place now, to be out in nature just before the sun rises.

What is my life going to be from now on? With spirit as my new direction, my new director. It's exciting to think about.

Life is a mysterious miracle. I am grateful and humbled.

Encouragement from the shaman

Now I feel doubtful about everything, and all this inspiration I had has fallen apart. I'm just really sad, super unmotivated, and back to feeling like I don't know what to do with my life. I'm not feeling connected at all, nothing is enjoyable or inspiring.  

I hope the reset comes quickly do something you love

Yes. I'd forgotten that this is the answer to everything. :)

Ascension is a bitch

I'm realizing that in order to fully be who I am, I'm going to have to move WAY beyond my comfort zone. I'll be coming out with my spiritual beliefs, so to speak, in order to market my coaching practice to clients on the psycho-spiritual healing path.

My heart is practically pleading with me to do this. I feel a sense of exhileration and freedom I've never felt before. I'm being guided and, really, there is no other choice. I can feel it.

How funny that once I made this decision, two things happened that created some painful shifting. I fell into a depression the past couple days and I am still recovering.

First an encounter with my estranged husband created some inner friction. I became so angry at the universe for allowing him to be shit on like this. It's ridiculously unfair. I explained to him that our break up was not about him. It was about me being on a spiritual path. A path that I have no choice but to be on, to be perfectly honest. The spirits have me. Everything exists solely to support this path from now on. It was the first time I said that to him, the first time I owned my path.

Second, I engaged with a skeptic. Argh, those skeptics with their snide comments and condescending attitudes. This is a huge trigger for me. I especially can't stand it when people say they are glad I "feel" like shamanism helped me, or that I "think" it helped.

I don't usually cuss much since getting back from Peru, but are you fucking kidding me? Shamanism saved my life.

It's like telling someone who had emergency surgery for appendicitis that you are glad they felt like it helped. "I'm glad you think having your appendice removed helped." Give me a break.

The funny thing is that i KNEW ahead of time that engaging with the skeptic was going to set something off, so I allowed it to happen. Some serious purging occurred as a result.

I feel a significant shift now.

I sense myself connecting on a higher level to...whatever it is that we connect to when we grow spiritually. Some kind of higher knowledge and source of inspiration I guess. I feel like I'm about to be on a wild ride. Hopefully the next roller coaster will be more fun.

Much love. xo

Imagine

Imagine not believing in the spirit world. You would believe that people who do believe in the spirit world are crazy.

Now imagine realizing that the spirit world is all very real. Now you realize it is everyone else who is crazy--yet they are still acting like YOU are crazy.

It's very crazy making.

Balance

Instead of knocking each other because of our beliefs, insisting that this is wrong or that is right, let's focus on how to discern balance.

Why I believe there is something more to the universe than what meets the eye

Because I knew that this world had nothing to offer that could assuage the intense suffering I'd gone through for most of my life. There was just no way.

My suffering was my life's lesson: There is more to life than this. There is another way.

I had no choice but to believe there was something else. I had no choice but to start having faith in the universe. I put out the effort, and it turned out that the universe was there to meet me half way.

Why I don't care what other people think of my spiritual beliefs

You don't have to believe what I believe. But please consider this: Just because you haven't experienced what I've experienced, it doesn't mean it isn't true.

I've been seeking answers for decades now. I've been learning to discern what speaks to me and what doesn't. What is true or not. Backtracking and shifting gears, re-evaluating, and learning to discern again.

Sometimes I've been let down. Sometimes I've been surprised beyond my wildest dreams.

I don't claim to know what all of the answers about THE TRUTH. And neither should anyone else who tries to discredit someone else's TRUTH.

I do know that if I had been influenced by the skeptics and naysayers, I would never have found the peace and fulfillment that I experience now on a daily basis. And believe it or not, in the long run it was okay if something ended up not being the truth after all, or if I even got a little hurt. I learned from it and then moved on.

I've stopped analyzing the world in black and white terms. Truth vs Not Truth. I've learned to simply let my heart guide me.

I don't hang onto a spiritual belief as if my life depended on it. But I do remain open to what might be possible. It is a balance. I've learned that over everything else, the most important thing I can focus on is my own inner being, my internal world. Therefore I've learned not to be so concerned with the external.

I've also learned not to be so concerned over what other people are doing or thinking or believing.

You are free to question what I believe. But if I sense any judgment, I hope you don't mind me asking why you need to be pointing your finger at others in the first place.

The long and windy road to figuring out a career path

A friend recently asked how I figured out what my career path should be. We are not talking about any plain old career, but an authentic soul-satisfying way of life that somehow serves the greater good. I told her that the simple answer is to do what you love. However, for many of us, life doesn't usually work out so easily. The reasons can be complex, varied, and multilayered. So, here is a more complete answer designed to address the intricate, and often circular, nature of pursuing our passions.

First of all--and this will be a no-brainer for most people--if you are looking for a career you love, it is important to know what you are passionate about. What do you really, truly care about in life? What is the one single theme throughout your life that your heart has always gravitated towards?

Don’t let your inner naysayer block you. You know, that part of you that says, “Oh, that doesn’t count because….” Let yourself be limitless and allow what you really love to shine into your heart. If you need to, tell your mind to take a break and let your heart decide what it would do as a career if it could.

Now that you know what your one true passion is, you may be saying, “Yeah, but how do I translate that into some kind of paying job?” As a transformational life coach, I generally like people to find their own answers. However, in the case of finding a career based on life purpose, I tell people to just focus on following their heart and healing themselves until the career starts to fall into place.

I know. This is probably infinitely frustrating to hear. It is our inner most desires to be our full selves in this world. I truly believe that we need to be our fullest selves before we become who we are meant to be. This means taking action from where we currently are, while keeping the higher intention alive.

Our heart is our inner guide. It is the link to our true nature as we navigate a world that tries to pull us away from who we really are. Do what you are passionate about in this moment, even if it doesn't seem to have anything to do with a career. Follow your gut feeling. Life has a way of leading you to the perfect situations when you follow your heart and trust in the universe. We never know the higher purpose of why we might be led something, and what that will eventually lead to.
Healing ourselves leads us to wholeness and fulfillment. When we are healed, we no longer look toward external things in life to make us feel good or complete us. In addition to this, we are of better service toward others when we are whole. Healing our wounds removes limitations--such as fears, doubts, and defenses--that not only keep us from functioning fully at what we love to do, but could also unintentionally harm others we attempt to help.

I believe the more healed and whole we become, the more things fall into place. Anita Moorjani, author of Dying To Be Me, says that when we learn to truly love and except ourselves, our life purpose naturally unfolds for us. Healing fills the gaps within, allowing love to flow more fully in our being.

Don’t fall into the trap that there is only one type of healing, such as energy work or therapy. Life itself is our healer, and can come in the form of friendship, nature, art, music, or any life circumstance that ends up teaching and transforming us. We delve into new life situations for our own reasons, but there often ends up being another higher purpose that facilitates our growth. Just because you are not where you want to be, it doesn't mean you aren't where you are supposed to be for reasons you aren't aware of yet.

When we are whole and aligned with our true passion, we become inspired into action. Something inside you might "click" into place. Or maybe you feel a special zing in your heart. Before you know it, you suddenly understand what your exact next step should be.

If there is struggle, if there is something holding you back, or if things are not going smoothly, then there are unconscious blocks to work out. Perhaps you will not be ready for your next step until you grown in certain areas. Or perhaps you know exactly what your blocks are and need to learn to push forward in the face of these fears. There could be a lesson within the journey of pursing your career, as there was for me.

It took me many years to be ready both emotionally and intellectually. And to be honest, I am still growing into my ideal career. It is an ever-evolving process.

Personal and spiritual growth was my passion since the age of 20. Psychology was the closest field I knew that fit this passion, so I got a degree. However, I did not pursue the field for several reasons. First of all, the clinical nature of psychology never sat well with me. Secondly, I still suffered from depression and social anxiety disorder. It didn’t make sense to me that anyone would attempt to heal others without first healing themselves.

Years later, after working in unfulfilling, dead-end jobs, I wanted a more stable career and enrolled in graduate school. I decided to become a librarian because it combined two areas that I loved: research and helping others. This was my way of creating a safe and stable career for myself. But it was not my passion. What is the difference?

My decision to become a librarian was based on safety and security. My passion is based on an undeniable heart-felt pull that has driven me to be a seeker for most of my life.

Don’t get me wrong. Becoming a librarian was right for me at the time. Not only was it a drastic improvement from my previous dead-end jobs, but it also led me through several necessary life experiences. For example, my first job in a public library was a very healing experience because of the positive environment and the people I worked with. I would not have been able to move on to a career that I am passionate about without this experience.

As of this writing, I am still happily working as a librarian, but part-time. This is intentional so I can focus on building my coaching practice. I might not be rich, but I am comfortable, fulfilled, and able to pursue the things that really matter to me.

Psycho-spiritual growth and healing is my true passion, but I did not know how to translate into a career. In fact, for a long time I didn't even think a career having to do with psycho-spiritual growth and healing was possible. For many years I considered becoming a life coach, but was still not sure this was the answer. Then an opportunity came.

A recent graduate from a school I admired offered free coaching sessions. I jumped at the opportunity and was blown away at how powerful the experience was. Soon after, I realized my heart was calling out for a more heart-centered line of work. I was stuck: should I pursue the safe and logical career as a licensed therapist, or should I pursue the freedom of following my own path as a transformational life coach? I decided to take the plunge and quit my full-time job to get a masters in Transpersonal Psychology and become a transformational life coach. It was the scariest thing I had ever done. I felt like all the security I’d built up had been destroyed. I got panic attacks.

However, attending the school led to growth and transformational experiences that I never would have had otherwise. It led me to another, very dramatic and transformative stage in my life that I would never have expected in a million years. This resulted in significant healing and wholeness that prepared me to assist others in the way they deserved. My theory that the healer should first be healed themselves was well founded after all. All these years, my heart had been leading me to the most healing experiences possible in preparation for what I am now pursuing in my life.

Out of all the decisions that I made of my life, I RARELY got exactly what I came for. Instead, I received what I needed for my own highest good. And there is a point I am leading up to with all this: I focused on the essence of my true life passion all this time while following what felt true to me. I didn’t choose a safer career or a more traditional school. I didn’t stay living in the same area or working for the same job just for the sake of it being more convenient. I focused on my healing journey and my spiritual practices, and I did what made my heart sing. Things are not perfect. Life never is. But I use areas of struggle as signals to look within and as opportunities for grow. And somehow, using this formula, my career is falling into place.

My Story 3: Wandering the Neighborhood

This post is going to focus a lot on being neglected by my mother. Here is a picture of us together when I was very young. She made the matching outfits.

Me and my mother.

I spent a good portion of my life in denial. How do I know this? Because for a long time I thought nothing of what I had been through as a child.

For example, who finds it "normal" that they were left to do whatever they wanted to do at the age of 2 or 3 years old? Not only did it take years for me to realize that this was not healthy, but it wasn't until the age of 40 years old that I realized I was severely neglected, both physically and emotionally.

As a toddler I remember leaving the apartment by myself. The memories are choppy, but I'll do my best to write them down cohesively.

I often played out on the playground in front of our building unattended.  This was quite normal. I think mom would be out there sometimes. Either way, I was quite content to be out there on my own playing with the other kids.

I remember stepping onto a huge piece of glass with the heel of my foot one time. Not having shoes on was the norm. I didn't cry. It didn't even hurt that much. Was mom there outside with me at the time? I don't remember. I do know that I was able to go to her to mend my foot.

Perhaps my mother assumed that I always stayed at the playground but eventually I started wandering around the apartment complex on my own. One might wonder where my father was. Well, this was all happening while he was at work so I don't think he really knew what was going on.

I often hung out with the bigger kids as they wandered and played around the neighborhood. I barely knew who these kids were, but being so young, I automatically felt a connection with other kids. One time I walked around the whole neighborhood with a group of young teenagers. I didn't even know who they were but I followed them around! Eventually I did go back home on my own accord.

Anyone could have done anything with me at that age. I could have been scooped up by a kidnapper and nobody would have known.

Me at the age of 2 or 3, running in the yard at Grandma's house.

One time a man approached me. I assumed him to be some kind of maintenance worker. He took me into something that looked like a shed, some kind of supply structure. I remember not being sure whether to trust this, but I went in with him anyway. He seemed to make some kind of phone call from the structure. Or maybe he was on a walkie talkie. I really can't remember. In fact, I don't even know if I'm remembering this right! After a few minutes I left the structure. I have no idea what happened next. Maybe I went back home.

I remember walking down the sidewalk one day and seeing a piece of soft pretzel on the sidewalk. It was the perfect sized piece for a toddler. :) I crouched down and peered at it. It sure looked good! I watched as a single ant climbed into one of the nooks of the pretzel. It did not come back out. I picked the pretzel up to investigate and could not figure out where that ant went. Giving up on finding the ant, I took a bite of the pretzel. Yum. lol

This story is a bit lighter, but another time, I decided to go to the pool by myself. Unlike the other times, this time my father was home. I took my shirt off so that I only had my shorts on. I decided that these were my "trunks" just like daddy wore. I also thought that "trunks" were the same thing as a pool pass, since my father would always say, "I need to get the pass" before putting his swimming trunks on. But I never saw him carrying a card around, just him in his trunks. Hence the confusion. So, here I was, all ready to go to the pool with my trunks/pass. I ran with excitement all the way to the pool, never stopping the entire way, and jumped straight into the water when I got there. The lifeguard said something about me not being allowed to be there. And I responded, "It's okay. I've got my pass on!" Haha :) Soon after dad came to get me and we went home much to my disappointment.

I remember mom had the window to our apartment open one time. I was looking out of this window and noticed a lady from another building sitting on the ledge of her window. This looked like fun so I decided to do it too. We lived on the second floor by the way. Somehow I managed to get myself on the ledge of the window, perhaps by climbing on top of a chair. There was no screen, just the opening to the outside world. I balanced myself and sat myself down. I was there for a moment and suddenly I heard my mother gasp as she swooped me off of the ledge.

When I was a bit older, I decided that I wanted to take my infant brother to the playground. I had to have been close to 4 years old at this time. I picked up my brother, a few months old at the time, and somehow carried him down the stairwell!  I took him outdoors, placed him on a swing, and started pushing him. I was only there for a few moments before mom was right down there with us, taking us back inside.

I guess not all of my stories are so bleak. And my experiences of wandering the neighborhood alone weren't so bad. However, it's an indication of what was going on more deeply under the surface. 

Here is a picture my mother took of me at 9 months old:

Me at 9 months.

 My mother gave me this picture a long time ago. I can't find the picture at the time of this writing, but on the back my mother wrote something that goes like this:

You are nine months old in this picture. I made the hat and sweater. Sorry but I fell asleep and left you outside! The paper boy woke me up. It was raining a little bit and you weren't even crying.

 I showed this picture to the shaman one day during a healing session. He looked at it and shook his head with disgust. He then shoved the picture in my face and said, "What would you tell a client if they showed you a picture of themselves like this?" I think he was trying to drive the point home how neglected I was.

Eventually a cop picked me up on the street one day. Just three or four years old and I had my first run in with the law. ;) My aunt tells me that this was the final straw and that my parents were kicked out of the apartment complex because mom wouldn't watch me properly. My "hijinks" of escaping the confines of our apartment to explore the outside world would soon come to an end.

At about age 4 or so, my brother and I ended up moving to Grandma and Grandad's house for a while. Here, we were watched over and received good care for the next couple of years. I thank god for the nurturing love of my grandma. Without her I wouldn't know what it would be like to receive any type of motherly love.

Read more about my life story here.