I saw the shaman two days ago for a healing that could not have come fast enough.
After my last blog post, I became extremely depressed. With the illusion of my "life purpose" gone, the world became meaningless. My life suddenly felt like a waste. I had nothing to live for.
Both the shaman and I agree that I did not spend enough time doing ayahuasca in Peru. Because of work obligations, I could only stay for two weeks. Yet, in two weeks, I was only just beginning to touch on the deeper emotional stuff that needed to be worked on.
My last day there was spent crying on the porch of the ayahuasca center as we waited for our boat to arrive. I wasn't crying because I was sad to leave the ayahuasca center. I was crying because all my shit was coming up to the surface. I was an open wound and desperate not to be alone in Iquitos overnight.
Part of me had opened that hadn't opened in a long time. Inside was a raw vulnerable spot that needed to be touched by warmth and compassion. I kept thinking how healing it would be to have a good friend (therapist, lover, whoever) who truly cared to hold that kind of space for me. I had never felt this open and vulnerable before, not even with my husband.
Unfortunately, the kind of warmth, compassion, and support that I needed was not to be found in Peru, and the healing opportunity passed. I closed back up, came home, and fell into a deep darkness. My entire life seemed like a failure. I told the shaman that my highest hope for life at this point was to go back to Peru to live at an ayahuasca retreat, and hopefully get dengue so I could die an early death. We both laughed at this, even though I was very serious about this death wish.
The depression made me have serious doubts about the effectiveness of this healing session. With life feeling this hopeless, I thought there was no way the shaman or the spirits could break through the meaningless of this world.
The shaman and I began by laying on the floor for a journey. I was to journey to learn more about staying in spiritual connection, since spirituality is the most important thing in the world to me. The shaman did his own journey to seek and heal the biological reason for my depression. We both received the information that we needed, and then the shaman proceeded to do an energy healing on me.
This healing was very different than before. He poked me with his finger on my left side, at the bottom of my rib cage, and then did the same thing on my right side. He poked me again below my hips, first on my left side and then on my right.
What the heck is this? I thought.
He poked me in the same areas again and then "drew" an X with his fingers, crossing from the bottom left of my rib cage to the bottom right area below my hips. Then did the opposite to form another diagonal line, creating an invisible "X."
Ha, I could've done this myself at home! I inwardly laughed to myself.
Then he spoke, "Imagine that there is a sun right above this area and put all of your depression into it."
I did as he said.
"Now I'm going to call up [name of some spiritual beings that I can't remember] and have them help remove your depression," he said.
I felt the subtle energy of something in my back/shoulder/chest area. I thought that I was imagining it, but then after a few moments I felt absolutely nothing.
The healing was over and he told me to get up. I felt much better. Much more peaceful and relaxed. Life felt much better.
I went home and felt so sad about the suffering I had just been through. I journalled about the issues the shaman and I talked about, and then realized that I still needed to revisit and heal all the times I had suffered from depression in the past. The intense and relentless suffering from the depression that I had been through for so many years is what's keeping me stuck. It's not the trauma itself, but now my own life-long suffering that had traumatized me so much it has lodged into my cellular memory. I don't know how to purge this without doing ayahuasca.
I woke up early today feeling depressed. Then I fell back asleep and had some disturbing release dreams. Holes and weak areas in the floor of a parking garage that cars were falling through. Feeling like myself or others were in danger of falling through these holes as well. Being lost in an unknown neighborhood. Finding and joyfully greeting my husband's father, only to find out that he is angry at me for our failed relationship. I notice he is very frail and weak looking. He tells me to leave, that I am not wanted here.
I woke up feeling a little better though. Things are not as bleak.
The shaman and I have another healing scheduled in two weeks. In the mean time, I am seriously considering going back to Peru for 3 months. I will wait to see how things go in the next month or two before making any final decisions. If anything, life has taught me that things can turn on a dime. Things could be happening the way they are meant to for a reason. However, even if all of this is for the higher good, I am hoping these extreme ups and downs will come to rest soon.
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