Still Effing Depressed and Thoughts about Life Purpose

I woke up today feeling a little less depressed than I've been the past few days. So, that's an improvement.

Things are still gloomy though.

I'm sick of my life being about healing, healing, healing. Since the age of 23, self improvement and healing has been all my life has been about. I thought I would end up doing something great from that experience.

Not only have I healed and improved significantly, but I've learned so much. I always wanted to pass on this knowledge and insight in order to help others. However, if I'm STILL getting depressed at this stage in life. Well, at this point I feel like it's better if I just give up on any grand dreams of fulfilling some kind of life purpose.

The shaman said something interesting in his last email to me. It's something he's alluded to before. He said that we heal, and after we have healed our life purpose is then revealed to us.

Well, this made me think of all the dreams and goals for fulfilling my purpose in life, and I realized that it is all made up. I mean, yeah, we follow our passion, we follow where our heart leads us. I truly believe in doing that. But as far as THE life purpose, THE thing we are supposed to do in life...that is a story.

Having said this, I'm seriously considering giving up on my life coaching practice. With all the emotional ups and downs and interruptions from my psycho-spiritual healing crisis that began last year, I just can't do it. I've spent so much time and energy thinking of ideas to get my business going, but I can't seem to implement any them. In addition to that, I just can't coach when I'm depressed! And this past week is proof that I still have issues with that, even though I thought my depression was cured 6 months ago after my first trip to Peru.

It makes me sad and deflated to say this. But I'm sick of chasing dreams that don't end up happening. I'd rather life just pick me up and throw me into wwhatever it is it wants me to do.

I'm sick of the efforting. I'm sick of always trying to figure things out.  Of trying to force things to happen that just don't seem to want to happen.

(And who wants life coaching from someone with THAT kind of attitude???)

Fuck it.

I have another healing with the shaman tomorrow. Wish me well.

xo

Staying with the pain

Before I knew about shamanic healing, I bypassed emotional pain.

I didn't do this purposely. It was mostly subconscious because I didn't know there was any other way to deal with pain.

"Gotta get to work. Gotta get stuff done. Gotta keep moving."

I felt like I couldn't afford to let the pain stop me. I felt like staying with the pain would end up stopping me in my tracks, disabling me from doing anything else in life.

Now that I know that I can get a healing from the shaman, I'm not afraid of the pain. The pain comes and I let it stay a while. I sit with it for as long as it needs.

This last episode of pain has been a doozy. Seriously. Yesterday morning it was bad enough that I don't even want to mention the kind of thoughts I was having. Suffering from the theme of life purpose (or lack thereof) is not fun.

The intensity let up by early afternoon, but I wrote the shaman. I got his response this morning.

He encouraged me to use my spirit helpers. I allowed myself to sit with the pain pretty much all of this morning. I set a flower out on my altar as an offering for my spirit helpers. I prayed, and sat, and waited, and let my mind drift.

I smoked mapacho and drank palo santo tea while welcoming my spirit helpers.

I was not sure what to say or ask of them, except to please help me heal in the way I needed to be healed.

My mind felt slow and sluggish, yet open. I could not think and my mind wandered easily. At the same time I almost felt trance-like.

At one point I felt subtle feelings of lightness and sweetness. Feelings I've had before, during my mysterious spiritual experiences. I tried to discern if it was spirit. Eventually the feeling subsided. I laid on the couch and felt the pain some more.

Eventually I felt lighter. This was just 20 minutes ago or so. I am still feeling more calm as I write this.

I don't think I'm all the way clear yet. But I do feel different. A little better about life. Lighter.

Depression

The past couple days have been really difficult. After my last post I fell into a wild mood swing that made me want to just disappear from this world.

Suddenly my life felt like a complete failure. Remorse toward healing at such a relatively late age (now 42) came flooding back, and I was filled with regret at the life I had lost due to depression. So many opportunities gone. I no longer had a chance at having a family. All these years spent in pain could have been spent cultivating something I loved, such as a career or an artistic talent. Now, I felt, my life was doomed to just growing old--my body becoming more and more wrinkled and flabby and unattractive. Instead of helping others, as I always hoped to be able to do, I'd probably be destined to focus on healing until I died.

This isn't the first time I've grieved for the life I lost. But, shit! I thought I healed from that during the South work we did with the shaman last fall.

Sigh. I guess things happen in layers.

The more we heal, the more those newly healed parts of ourselves need to integrate everything. So, so-called old issues resurface again as we take on a new perspective. We move in more deeply within who we are as the subconscious gunk become conscious. As the subconscious becomes conscious, it brings with it aspects of wounding that hadn't yet been resolved. That's my theory anyway. The shaman, on the other hand, said I was experiencing an ego attack that was taking me away from my divinity and power.

I questioned my decision to be a life coach, seeing how the past year has been filled with the extreme ups and downs of healing. I haven't been able to coach on one hand. On the other hand, I haven't wanted to coach.

I also felt hopelessly trapped in a society that doesn't believe in Spirit. While I having spiritual experiences and making trips to Peru to do ayahuasca, I can't talk about it to anyone. I have to hide who I am and what I do. Otherwise, I risk not being able to survive in this society due to the taboo nature of everything.

So, do I go back to having a normal, "real" job or do I continue to follow my passion, which I'm not even sure what that is anymore. My passion is Spirit. But how does that translate into a job?

Lastly, I felt bad about my failed relationship with my husband. Did I ever really love him the way I should have? Can I even be in a real relationship?

After having one really bad shitty day of not wanting to exist, things started to pick up again. I did some reading, some journaling, and started practicing lessons from the ACIM workbook. It helped, but I fell back down into a funk.

Then tonight. I let go of everything. I stopped caring about being a life coach, needing to find my perfect job, and failing at relationships. For some reason I started focusing on the love of my father.

I felt my father's love for me during my last ayahuasca ceremoy. I feel it healed our relationship.

This love is still hard to trust, but this love said, "You are excepted for who you are. You are loved no matter what." And suddenly, all that stuff I just mentioned no longer mattered. I stopped trying. I stopped wanting to do anything anymore. I felt held as an innocent being on a healing path--and it felt good to let go and know that I was being taken care of. There was a gentleness about it. A gentle, "It's okay."

This was not a spiritual experience, but a general realization. I am loved, and it is okay to not have my dream job as a life coach or great at relationships or young and perky anymore. I am a little baby chick. I still need to grow, and that's okay. Little baby chicks are cute, innocent, and adorable. And eventually they do grow up.

Here's to trusting, accepting, and loving where we are at this moment.

Back from Peru

I've been back home since Sunday evening and have been terribly sick with a cold since then. The fatigue was unreal, relentless. I hadn't been this sick in years.

Today I started to feel a bit better and drove 1.5 hours for an appointment with my local shaman. We healed a bunch of mom related stuff and I felt palpably better afterwards. Now, about 5 hours later, I feel like the healing just about cleared out the rest of my cold as well!

My trip to the ayahuasca center in Peru was difficult but healing. I resolved some things. I healed my relationship with my deceased father. Worked on loving myself more. Learned some things. Had a peak at some spirit realms and cultivated a deeper relationship with Spirit in general. I've developed a better relationship with ayahuasca, although I never completely lost my fear of drinking. All of it was a lot of really hard work.

And now back to figuring my life out.

Off to Peru

Today I leave for Peru. This will be my second trip to the ayahuasca center in Peru to participate in ayahuasca ceremonies. I am excited, scared, hopeful, and relieved.

I will be back in about two weeks. Until then, be well.

xoxox

You don't get healed through just one healing session

There is a huge misconception about energy and spiritual healing modalities. In fact, it is a misconception I also had before I embarked on my own spiritual healing journey. It is the idea that if spiritual and energy healings are so powerful, then people should be completely healed by it in just one session. The truth is that you don't (or rarely) become completely healed with just one healing session. However, in my experience, one shamanic healing session is much more powerful and effective than standard psychotherapy.

Many factors come into play, including the person's belief systems, type and intensity of wounding, how many layers of healing are needed, conscious or subconscious resistance to the healing or spiritual beliefs, etc.

Someone who is wounded because their parents got divorced  during childhood is going to have a much different healing journey than someone who suffered from years of childhood incest and physical abuse.

One person may just need one soul retrieval and be on their merry way. Another person may need 20 soul retrievals over a period of years.

Energy and spiritual healing is real. It is the only thing that healed my emotional wounds on a deep and lasting level. However, I have needed many healings over the past year. If you have been reading my blog, you will know that this has included shamanic healing with energy work and soul retrievals and also ayahuasca.

I am amazed at how different I am from just one year ago. I am confident, feel great about myself and my life, am blessed with many friends, and feel whole, complete and content. Yes, life has had it's ups and downs, and sometimes I may still have a bout of depression--but I always come back up. It is not the chronic and deep depression that I suffered from before.

I suffered from anxiety and depression for decades. Before my healings began, my depression was so bad that I started to question the value of life for any living being. If suffering was so prominent, I thought, what was the point of anything being alive? To risk going through this chronic suffering like I had?

I believe that no one should have to suffer. Healing is there for us. But first we need to learn to let our hearts guide us. And to be open to the benevolence of the universe. And to also know that suffering is unacceptable--that a life full of suffering is not living at all, that a better way is possible. Believing these truths led me to my own healing journey. And these attitudes can help lead you to your own healing path as well.

11th Healing Ceremony & Preparation for Peru

I sit here, exhausted yet relieved. Just a few hours ago, the shaman performed a healing ceremony to heal the bout of lethargy, anger, and depression I've had since my spiritual experience and opening two weeks ago. Together we healed a huge skeptical block in my heart, fear of ascension, resistance to entering the spiritual realm, and fear of ayahuasca.

We also discussed some things I would do to prepare for my ayahuasca ceremonies, in private, once I arrive at the ayahuasca center in Peru. I leave for my second trip to this ayahuasca healing center in three days. When I booked my stay and flight a few months ago, I had little idea what my intentions would be. I figured I would simply be maintaining the healing I had originally gotten. But Spirit has guided me. My recent experiences have led me to focus on the intentions of learning about my spiritual gifts and connecting to the spiritual realm. Of course, these intentions are within the sacred container of learning this information for the highest intention of healing myself and others. Not for idle curiosity. Not to get some kind of thrill or magic show. I am very serious about the work I will be doing.

But I digress.

I left todays healings feeling much better. But even more important, I have a huge appreciation and respect for the honor of having a connection with Spirit. I don't know what I did in my past lives, but it was enough to put me on a leash, so to speak, that allowed me to go only so far into the spiritual realm before being pulled back again.

They say you appreciate something more once it's been gone. Having my gifts returned to me, my right to interact with Spirit, is like getting my heart back. There is nothing more important to me than Spirit, and having these limitations healed only makes me cherish and honor my spiritual gifts even more.

As I drove home, I thanked the spirits for healing me. And I also promised to use my gifts only for the highest purpose, to take these gifts seriously and to use them as responsibly as I knew how. I asked my spirit helpers to help me recognize it if I ever stray from my path. And then, with much gratitude, continued to thank them again.