I still recall a few dreams from my toddler and early childhood years. Here, I will talk about two that indicated my subconscious awareness of my mother's sickness.
I'm not sure how old I was in this dream, perhaps about 1 - 2 1/2 years old. I was on a dining table and crawling toward my mother who sat at the other end encouraging me very positively. I got to the middle of the table when suddenly the table tilted at an angle and I felt myself beginning to slide toward the edge. I struggled to center myself on the table and looked at my mother. She laughed with amusement and did nothing to help me. I was in a panick and feared falling, still struggling to stay on the table. It did not seem to even register with my mother that I was in danger. I knew then that she would not help me and that I'd have to fend for myself.
Later, when I was about five, I had another dream about my mother. My father and I were living with my grandparents at the time, and in my dream we walked into my grandparents' bedroom together. My mother was sitting on a chair against a wall. She had no eyes and I could see into all of her orifices. There was a fire raging inside her head, which I saw as I looked into eye sockets, nostrils, mouth, and ears. There was nothing in her head except this fire. I was afraid and very disturbed.
Even as a young child with no knowledge of what mental illness or abuse even meant, I obviously knew at some level that my mother was unstable and "sick in the head." Looking back at my childhood, I now know the level of neglect and abuse she put me through, and it is no wonder that I had these disturbing dreams.
Read more about my life story here.
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