I've gone from feeling super connected to spirit to not wanting to even look at spirit. Wanting to deny all of my experiences. Being angry at the shaman. Something inside me screaming, "This spiritual stuff is not true! It's all a bunch of bullshit!"
Today especially, I woke up feeling extremely depressed. Sad, confused, spiritually disconnected, and very angry. Connecting with a spirit last week did something to my ego on a very deep level. Again, I am reminded that how we feel is often very much at the mercy of our subconscious selves. Our biology, our unconscious thoughts and belief systems, the gaps within our spiritual connection, and our forgotten unhealed wounds.
I realized there was no way I could go to the sweat lodge this Saturday. I almost wrote the shaman to cancel. But then, by some miracle, I started feeling better. All these odd feelings swirling around. Some light and angelic. Some heavy and dark.
The shaman says this spiritual denial is due to an old archetypal thought system. I assume it's the archetype of fear related to our true spiritual connection. Funny how I JUST wrote about that recently. Little did I know what was coming for me.
My experiences last week spurred this area of my ego into rebellion. It's so crazy. First feeling the depth of spirit like I've never felt before, showing me that the spirit world is real, creating heart connections, and giving me messages. And now this. I went from dedicating my life to spirit to wanting to deny any of it exists.
It is no accident that all of this is happening just before my trip to Peru. The shaman will provide healing next Wednesday, April Fool's Day. But then I will arrive at the ayahuasca center in Peru on Easter Sunday, where I hope to obtain some real clarity and understanding.
My life has been a whirlwind of healing and spiritual experiences ever since that fateful day last year when I first went to go see the shaman. What does it all mean? Is it leading up to something like I'd been intuiting? What are my spiritual gifts that the shaman insists I have? What is is it that spirit wants me to do? Who is this person that I'm transforming into? Will I finally be at a place where I know what to do in my life? Where I can finally start serving others?
I have so many questions. I hope and pray that this is all unfolding in a way that will be meaningful and beneficial for all involved. I am putting all of my trust in the universe right now.
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