I totally get where Byron Katie and Jeff Foster are coming from. Yeah, I agree our thoughts can be little pieces of shit sometimes, causing us to feel bad or even depressed.
Byron Katie tells us to question our thoughts and that it will make us feel better. Jeff Foster tells us to be okay with where we are. I've taken both approaches and have found them to be helpful during certain times in my life. But it was never a lasting improvement. They offer just one approach out of many approaches. And that is the problem.
If someone is feeling like absolute shit, there is not always a thought that can be attributed to that feeling. If someone is having uncontrollable thoughts of suicide, then being in the now is not going to solve things.
I believe that our psyches are more than just our thoughts. If there has been trauma, like my experience with childhood abuse and neglect, it can be lodged so deeply within our psyches that it will pull us down no matter what we do until it is healed. I believe there there is a connection between our minds and the energy fields of our bodies. How else would that explain how great I felt psychologically after getting energy healings? How else could I have felt more "solid" and fantastic as a person after getting soul retrievals?
I am wondering the extent of help people with PTSD have gotten from teachers like Byron Katie and Jeff Foster. Don't get me wrong, I think they are great teachers and help a lot of people--but only CERTAIN people with certain problems. How many people have been following these "thought" teachers who are still suffering. I wonder the same about followers of Anita Moorjani, someone else I deeply admire who teaches that we only need to learn to love ourselves, that we only need to know our own magnificence.
PTSD and trauma pulls us down to the point that we can't feel that kind of love, peace or inner magnificence. So how are we supposed to know this if we cant feel it? I believe there literally are holes in the psyches of traumatized people. We need to fill in those wholes with soul retrievals. THEN we can learn to disbelieve our thoughts.
P.S. Noah Ekrief says that "When you are able to see thoughts clearly, all of your suffering goes. Only peace remains." I believe it. However, can you imagine how long it would take to get through all the garbage of repressed trauma and PTSD to get to that point of clarity and piece. Shamanism offers a shortcut. Let's give that some credit too.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
Post-Ayahuasca Maintenance
Some people wonder how to maintain the lightness and extraordinary sense of well-being after doing ayahuasca. Well, I don't think it's possible to stay that light forever. We eventually do become grounded again.
We can integrate our lessons, and the method of doing so depends on the person. I'll describe my own process.
It's been three months since coming back from Peru. There have been ups and downs, but so far I have been able to come back up again to a feeling good set-point. It is NOT the same feeling I came home with. The first two months, I felt very expanded and like life was limitless. I still had enough of my head on my shoulders to be reasonable, thankfully.
As soon as I got home I intuitively knew I had to focus on self love and self acceptance. Ayahuasca showed me how to feel pure love and acceptance toward myself, but it was up to me to learn how to do it for myself. I did whatever actions I needed to do to express this love to myself. And I made sure that my thoughts toward myself remained loving. I knew that this was the most important thing in the world.
I also pray. A lot.
It so happened that I started a beginners class in shamanism the week after I got back home. In this class we participate in several healing rituals and receive the Munay Ki. On top of this, I listen to Christina Pratt's podcast Why Shamanism Now?. My spiritual faith has grown significantly and I integrate certain practices into my daily life to build that connection. Prayer, reflection, daily rituals, communing with nature when possible, sometimes meditation...but mostly prayer.
When I'm feeling down or off balance, I use Florida Water and palo santo. I am sensitive to this stuff! (I tried to get mapacho tobacco but I could only find one vendor and it's so expensive.) I already knew Florida Water calmed me before going to Peru. I started falling in love with its scent after associating it with shamanic healings in the US. I used to put it all over me before the ayahuasca ceremonies. Then, during one particularly difficult ceremony in Peru, someone sprayed it on me. Feeling the vaporous sent around me was like being embraced by love and kindness. It also immediately cleared out whatever negativity I was going through.
Back home, I take baths with Florida Water. Sometimes before bed, I put it on my power center, heart, and third eye. Then, with my body under the blankets, I spray it over myself before sleeping.
Sometimes I burn palo santo and smudge myself with it, circling it around my body. Then I circle it over all of my chakras. The clearing effect is palpable.
I light candles. I also burn incense, which brings me connection (to myself, to spirit, to the present) and relaxes me.
I try to stay with whatever I'm feeling, whether it be anger or sadness or heartache or whatever. But I also make sure my thoughts are not being carried away to the point that they bring me down. I reframe my thoughts when possible. There is a balance there between staying with how you feel and changing how you think. You don't want to do one to the point that it overpowers or takes away from the other. Feeling is important because you need to feel suppressed emotions before being able to let them go. Thinking is important because we want to make sure our thoughts are healthy.
Other than that, listening to my heart, listening to my intuition, and regularly connecting with healthy, like-minded friends. Focusing on doing what I love...
Yup. That's about it.
UPDATE: I've also discovered that mindfulness is crucial to taking me back to that clear-headed feeling space. This clarity is essential to feeling the inner peace and joy that I felt after doing the ayahuasca ceremonies. It seems that once I am clear of the all those thoughts clouding my perspective, I am able to more easily introduce more positive thoughts and ideas such as self love, etc. I've also discovered that mindfulness takes me back to what needs to be taken care of in the here and now rather than sitting with ruminating thoughts and feelings. Without ruminating thoughts and feelings, we feel clear, and when we feel clear we want our outer world to reflect how we feel inside, and when we want our outer world to reflect how we feel inside we take right action!
We can integrate our lessons, and the method of doing so depends on the person. I'll describe my own process.
It's been three months since coming back from Peru. There have been ups and downs, but so far I have been able to come back up again to a feeling good set-point. It is NOT the same feeling I came home with. The first two months, I felt very expanded and like life was limitless. I still had enough of my head on my shoulders to be reasonable, thankfully.
As soon as I got home I intuitively knew I had to focus on self love and self acceptance. Ayahuasca showed me how to feel pure love and acceptance toward myself, but it was up to me to learn how to do it for myself. I did whatever actions I needed to do to express this love to myself. And I made sure that my thoughts toward myself remained loving. I knew that this was the most important thing in the world.
I also pray. A lot.
It so happened that I started a beginners class in shamanism the week after I got back home. In this class we participate in several healing rituals and receive the Munay Ki. On top of this, I listen to Christina Pratt's podcast Why Shamanism Now?. My spiritual faith has grown significantly and I integrate certain practices into my daily life to build that connection. Prayer, reflection, daily rituals, communing with nature when possible, sometimes meditation...but mostly prayer.
When I'm feeling down or off balance, I use Florida Water and palo santo. I am sensitive to this stuff! (I tried to get mapacho tobacco but I could only find one vendor and it's so expensive.) I already knew Florida Water calmed me before going to Peru. I started falling in love with its scent after associating it with shamanic healings in the US. I used to put it all over me before the ayahuasca ceremonies. Then, during one particularly difficult ceremony in Peru, someone sprayed it on me. Feeling the vaporous sent around me was like being embraced by love and kindness. It also immediately cleared out whatever negativity I was going through.
Back home, I take baths with Florida Water. Sometimes before bed, I put it on my power center, heart, and third eye. Then, with my body under the blankets, I spray it over myself before sleeping.
Sometimes I burn palo santo and smudge myself with it, circling it around my body. Then I circle it over all of my chakras. The clearing effect is palpable.
I light candles. I also burn incense, which brings me connection (to myself, to spirit, to the present) and relaxes me.
I try to stay with whatever I'm feeling, whether it be anger or sadness or heartache or whatever. But I also make sure my thoughts are not being carried away to the point that they bring me down. I reframe my thoughts when possible. There is a balance there between staying with how you feel and changing how you think. You don't want to do one to the point that it overpowers or takes away from the other. Feeling is important because you need to feel suppressed emotions before being able to let them go. Thinking is important because we want to make sure our thoughts are healthy.
Other than that, listening to my heart, listening to my intuition, and regularly connecting with healthy, like-minded friends. Focusing on doing what I love...
Yup. That's about it.
UPDATE: I've also discovered that mindfulness is crucial to taking me back to that clear-headed feeling space. This clarity is essential to feeling the inner peace and joy that I felt after doing the ayahuasca ceremonies. It seems that once I am clear of the all those thoughts clouding my perspective, I am able to more easily introduce more positive thoughts and ideas such as self love, etc. I've also discovered that mindfulness takes me back to what needs to be taken care of in the here and now rather than sitting with ruminating thoughts and feelings. Without ruminating thoughts and feelings, we feel clear, and when we feel clear we want our outer world to reflect how we feel inside, and when we want our outer world to reflect how we feel inside we take right action!
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Dear World
Dear World,
How is it possible for me to have the most amazing healing experience of my life: something that I never could have imagined possible; something that literally saved my life and completely transformed me; something that could help YOU too if you only opened you mind, heart, and spirit up to it--and yet some people think nothing of it or even get offended by my story?
Well, F you guys too.
Love,
Me
How is it possible for me to have the most amazing healing experience of my life: something that I never could have imagined possible; something that literally saved my life and completely transformed me; something that could help YOU too if you only opened you mind, heart, and spirit up to it--and yet some people think nothing of it or even get offended by my story?
Well, F you guys too.
Love,
Me
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Update for posterity
It's been almost 3 months since my last ayahuasca ceremony.
Life has had it's ups and downs but I've always managed to bounce back again. The night before last I swore I was getting depressed again. I felt that same familiar sinking feeling and thought oh great, guess I'm back to this again. But then today, I was back to feeling good again. This bouncing back stuff was never normal for me in the past--I pretty much stayed stagnant or sunk even lower.
Today I was glad to see that life still has a certain subtle "crispness" and clarity to it, something I strongly sensed after coming home from Peru. Comparing to how I used to feel, I'm now certain I was depressed, in varying degrees, at least 90% of the time literally "clouding" how I saw life. The sense of peace and ability to find joy in the present moment was always fleeting in the past, as if only reserved for special happy occasions.
I'm still vigilant, keeping watch on my emotions, thoughts, and general feelings. I'm not new to self help work, shadow work, and spirituality, so I have a good bunch of resources to fall back on. In addition, my spiritual life has deepened significantly, not necessarily because of ayahuasca. But I would say that being cleansed emotionally makes it a lot easier to connect with spirit. And connecting to spirit makes it a lot easier to draw on my inner strength and inner sense of peace. So I'm sure my practices have a lot to do with maintaining the healing.
Life has had it's ups and downs but I've always managed to bounce back again. The night before last I swore I was getting depressed again. I felt that same familiar sinking feeling and thought oh great, guess I'm back to this again. But then today, I was back to feeling good again. This bouncing back stuff was never normal for me in the past--I pretty much stayed stagnant or sunk even lower.
Today I was glad to see that life still has a certain subtle "crispness" and clarity to it, something I strongly sensed after coming home from Peru. Comparing to how I used to feel, I'm now certain I was depressed, in varying degrees, at least 90% of the time literally "clouding" how I saw life. The sense of peace and ability to find joy in the present moment was always fleeting in the past, as if only reserved for special happy occasions.
I'm still vigilant, keeping watch on my emotions, thoughts, and general feelings. I'm not new to self help work, shadow work, and spirituality, so I have a good bunch of resources to fall back on. In addition, my spiritual life has deepened significantly, not necessarily because of ayahuasca. But I would say that being cleansed emotionally makes it a lot easier to connect with spirit. And connecting to spirit makes it a lot easier to draw on my inner strength and inner sense of peace. So I'm sure my practices have a lot to do with maintaining the healing.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Changes across the spectrum
On Thursday before my shamanism class, I realized that I no longer felt resentment about my past. I no longer had thoughts of my life "pre-healing" having been a waste. I even had a fleeting glimpse of my past serving some kind of purpose. This felt very empowering. And miraculous.
Fast forward a few days. Last night I started to feel depressed for no reason. Oh great, I thought. Here comes the inevitable depression again. But then it wasn't so bad this morning. But not great either.
Later this afternoon I got an email from my husband. Our plan was to take a break for two weeks and then have a discussion about our relationship. This was one month ago. I thought he was finally going to initiate a conversation. It turns out he wants a divorce.
No conversation. No discussion. Nothing.
I may have lost my marriage, but I guess I'd rather choose that than uncontrollable thoughts about killing myself. This is the perspective I try to have.
But I still feel like shit.
Fast forward a few days. Last night I started to feel depressed for no reason. Oh great, I thought. Here comes the inevitable depression again. But then it wasn't so bad this morning. But not great either.
Later this afternoon I got an email from my husband. Our plan was to take a break for two weeks and then have a discussion about our relationship. This was one month ago. I thought he was finally going to initiate a conversation. It turns out he wants a divorce.
No conversation. No discussion. Nothing.
I may have lost my marriage, but I guess I'd rather choose that than uncontrollable thoughts about killing myself. This is the perspective I try to have.
But I still feel like shit.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Gifts of the Heart
I am a true believer that the heart can be our most powerful
healer. That when we focus on what we love, somehow that love gets reflected
back to us. We can follow what is in our
hearts—be it a tiny glint or a deep longing—and be led to experiences that expand
our lives and heal us in ways we didn’t realize could be possible.
It seems my entire life has been a lesson in following my
heart. Learning to listen was relatively easy. Learning to trust has been even
more difficult. But actually following through is where the real test has been.
And the tests have been getting more and more challenging as the decades go by.
In 2012 I began to realize that something in me craved a
deeper, more heart-centered livelihood and way of life. I wasn’t even sure what
this way of life was supposed to be; I just knew things needed to be different.
I had been working as a librarian for the past five years
and had finally gotten to a place of feeling secure with my career. In fact,
following my heart had led me to work at this branch in the first place.
While there were many aspects of librarianship that I
enjoyed, it wasn’t in complete alignment with who I wanted to be. While
weighing my options, I asked myself, “If there was one thing I could do before
I died, something that reflected my one true passion in life, what would it
be?” That is how I decided to get a master’s degree in transpersonal psychology
and become a transformational life coach.
The idea seemed insane. I was terrified of telling people
about it. I didn’t want to be judged. I was afraid people would think I wasn’t
good enough.
The truth is, I was still unhappy with many aspects of my life.
Who was I to help others create the life of their dreams when I hadn’t even
gotten my own shit together? But something kept telling me that I would be ready
when the time came.
And so I went against all logic and trusted in that
unnamable something.
Following my heart in this situation led to some of the most
terrifying decisions I ever made in my life. I quit my job--giving up the
security of my full-time career--and moved to another state. At times it felt
like I was facing death. I got panic attacks.
However, I knew that leaving my job and moving to another
area was my only chance to know the truth of who I am. More than anything else
in the world, I had to know what it was like to live a life aligned with my own
authenticity.
Two years later, I can tell you that the risk has been worth
everything.
The education I received was valuable. But the true
heart-centered value of this decision is in the unexpected healing and growth that
resulted.
Following my heart’s desires to pursue my passion led to
other events and decisions that changed my life. For example, I listened to
stories of spiritual experiences from my new like-minded friends, which in turn
opened me up to what can be possible in life. Through my experiential studies, I
had eye-opening experiences and gained an expanded view of the world. The
culmination of all these experiences opened me up in ways that were emotionally
healing and spiritually transforming.
Today, I am more fulfilled than I’ve ever been in my life.
Not because I accomplished my initial goal of getting a master’s in
transpersonal psychology, but because of the gifts that came with the journey. I
have more friends than I have ever had in my life before. I am more at peace
with myself and with the world around me. I am able to experience more beauty,
joy, and appreciation. I am able to more confidently be who I am and speak my
truth.
All of this manifested not because of one decision in
particular, but because I allowed myself to be guided by the underlying
intentions of my desires.
I believe that often times, we experience events in our
lives because of the underlying gift it brings. I set out to get a degree and
change careers. However, maybe the real reason for the experience was to obtain
healing and wholeness.
We are endless chapters of growth. Our stories never end. It
is beautiful, how the unexpected twists and turns transform us into something
larger than we were ever able to imagine.
But we must follow our heart in order to allow this to
unfold. The heart knows.
If we continue to live life according to what’s “right,”
what “should” be done, or what is expected, we miss clandestine opportunities.
Our heart holds the secret to opening up these hidden treasures. If we don’t
follow our heart, we will never know the full potential of what our life could
have become. We will never have the opportunity to know who we really are.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
My Weird Life
It's been two weeks since my husband moved out. I feel bad for my husband but am enjoying the solitude. The first thing I did was rearrange and clean the heck out of my apartment. It feels good to have my own space.
I'm still wrapping my head over what has happened. Besides my part-time job, I keep myself busy with spiritual practices, quiet contemplation, connection with friends, and my budding life coaching practice.
I think back over everything that has happened this summer--the shamanic healings, the crazy experiences that followed, the final BIG healing at the ayahuasca center in Peru, and then feeling so different after coming back and needing to be free of a relationship. I wonder if it is truly over.
I've come more to terms over what my life has been. But a part of me also feels ready to slip out of this world. On the one hand, I now know what it's like to experience this world's beauty and to feel the bliss of loving myself. But on the other hand, I know this world isn't the real thing, and how harsh it has been to me, and just want to connect with spirit.
I'm in some kind of limbo state--figuring out who I am and where my life is going. I have little to grasp onto. Who I was in my past life is gone. Who I am in my future is unknown. All I can do is be here in the moment.
I'm still wrapping my head over what has happened. Besides my part-time job, I keep myself busy with spiritual practices, quiet contemplation, connection with friends, and my budding life coaching practice.
I think back over everything that has happened this summer--the shamanic healings, the crazy experiences that followed, the final BIG healing at the ayahuasca center in Peru, and then feeling so different after coming back and needing to be free of a relationship. I wonder if it is truly over.
I've come more to terms over what my life has been. But a part of me also feels ready to slip out of this world. On the one hand, I now know what it's like to experience this world's beauty and to feel the bliss of loving myself. But on the other hand, I know this world isn't the real thing, and how harsh it has been to me, and just want to connect with spirit.
I'm in some kind of limbo state--figuring out who I am and where my life is going. I have little to grasp onto. Who I was in my past life is gone. Who I am in my future is unknown. All I can do is be here in the moment.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Communing in Clarity with Nature
Today I had a little moment of awe and wonder. It only lasted a second, but it was beautiful.
I go to the woods regularly for exercise and spiritual practice. Today I was already feeling pretty good when I went to my spot to visit some healing stones I'd put there earlier this week. I sat in my area and instead of doing any spiritual practice simply sat with nature.
I looked at all the trees, water, earth, felt the wind, and heard the rustle of autumn leaves. I just soaked everything in, and it seemed to soak me in as well. A mutual experience of looking and being with each other.
I then practiced connecting with the elements, which always provides me with an inner sense of power.
Getting up from my practice, I felt clear and open. I walked through the woods, seeing the trees and rocks and stuff not just as "things" but as vividly present and "alive". I stopped at a certain point, and felt for just a second a state of pure being with nature.
Within that short moment I felt such appreciation and wonder for all of it. I don't even know if "appreciation and wonder" are adequate words to describe what I experienced.
Then I heard people in the distance and it broke my concentration.
Beautiful things are happening. :)
Thank you spirits. Thank you elements. Thank you trees, rocks, wind, water, inti, pachamama and all of nature.
I go to the woods regularly for exercise and spiritual practice. Today I was already feeling pretty good when I went to my spot to visit some healing stones I'd put there earlier this week. I sat in my area and instead of doing any spiritual practice simply sat with nature.
I looked at all the trees, water, earth, felt the wind, and heard the rustle of autumn leaves. I just soaked everything in, and it seemed to soak me in as well. A mutual experience of looking and being with each other.
I then practiced connecting with the elements, which always provides me with an inner sense of power.
Getting up from my practice, I felt clear and open. I walked through the woods, seeing the trees and rocks and stuff not just as "things" but as vividly present and "alive". I stopped at a certain point, and felt for just a second a state of pure being with nature.
Within that short moment I felt such appreciation and wonder for all of it. I don't even know if "appreciation and wonder" are adequate words to describe what I experienced.
Then I heard people in the distance and it broke my concentration.
Beautiful things are happening. :)
Thank you spirits. Thank you elements. Thank you trees, rocks, wind, water, inti, pachamama and all of nature.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
A different space
It's been almost 8 weeks since I came back home from the ayahuasca retreat.
The good news is that the depression has not come back. (However my psoriasis has come back, but oh well.)
The unfortunate news is that I've been unable to connect with my husband ever since my return. I was horrified to discover this after being home the first week.
I came home feeling so light and expanded. And different. There is now a new sense of spaciousness, a new lighter part of me that I need to get to know. I can't lose it.
The ayahuasca also showed me what it is like to love and accept myself, something I never completely felt in my life. It is the most important thing in the world right now, and I need to learn to do it for myself without the crutch of a relationship.
My husband is a caring and giving person. He has been perfect to me. For a while it was hard not to feel like a wretched person.
It is such a shock because we had been getting along so well before all this. Our relationship seemed nicely tied up in a pretty little package. But of course once one issue came out, ALL our issues sprung out in a tangled mess. Our pretty package ended up being a distorted creepy Jack-in-a-box. Surprise.
My husband moved out not even two months after I got back from Peru. A mutual decision.
For a little while I felt like my life was ending.
The more I resist what is happening, the more confusing things feel. So I rest in the center of this storm, which is not really a storm if I stay calm.
If I can learn to love and accept myself even as I break the heart of a dear loved one, perhaps I have learned the lesson.
But still I can't help but ask sometimes:What the fuck is happening with my life?
The good news is that the depression has not come back. (However my psoriasis has come back, but oh well.)
The unfortunate news is that I've been unable to connect with my husband ever since my return. I was horrified to discover this after being home the first week.
I came home feeling so light and expanded. And different. There is now a new sense of spaciousness, a new lighter part of me that I need to get to know. I can't lose it.
The ayahuasca also showed me what it is like to love and accept myself, something I never completely felt in my life. It is the most important thing in the world right now, and I need to learn to do it for myself without the crutch of a relationship.
My husband is a caring and giving person. He has been perfect to me. For a while it was hard not to feel like a wretched person.
It is such a shock because we had been getting along so well before all this. Our relationship seemed nicely tied up in a pretty little package. But of course once one issue came out, ALL our issues sprung out in a tangled mess. Our pretty package ended up being a distorted creepy Jack-in-a-box. Surprise.
My husband moved out not even two months after I got back from Peru. A mutual decision.
For a little while I felt like my life was ending.
The more I resist what is happening, the more confusing things feel. So I rest in the center of this storm, which is not really a storm if I stay calm.
If I can learn to love and accept myself even as I break the heart of a dear loved one, perhaps I have learned the lesson.
But still I can't help but ask sometimes:What the fuck is happening with my life?
Saturday, October 18, 2014
A reoccurring dream
 |
| Dressed in layers. |
I am getting dressed.
I have carefully selected the clothing I want to wear out of all of the options I have.
I put the clothing on, usually blouses layered over upon each other, but then notice the clothing was not exactly the same as what I originally selected.
I notice a slight variation in style. Or maybe the blouse ends up being too tight. Or maybe the color is completely different.
I feel pressure to hurry and get dressed, but also the need to change what I had just put on. I struggle with taking the clothes off and then putting them back on again. Things seem a bit foggy and confusing. Sometimes I decide at the last minute to just continue with what I am wearing, to make it work.
Symbolic of an identity crisis? Fitting in with my expanded spiritual state? Figuring out who I really am now that the old me has sloughed off?
All of the above.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Thoughts about death and a nature walk
Today I drove out to the country to hike and find mesa stones, called kuyas.
One of the first things I noticed during my hike were these dying reeds:
Actually there were originally two snakes. I was about to walk through this area to access the nearby stream and then saw a beautifully coiled up snake like the one above. I went to grab my phone to take a pic and it slithered away. Disappointed, I stood there watching her, but then noticed her friend! This one did not move at all and allowed me get close enough for a few pictures.
And then later I came across this beautiful orange spotted moth:
I did get a few stones along the way, and one in particular will definitely make it into my mesa. Overall, it was a great day for hunting kuyas.
One of the first things I noticed during my hike were these dying reeds:
You can barely see them in the photo, but they are brown and dried up. Plants just go with the flow during the dying process. There's no drama, no fighting. Just acceptance and transformation into death. We humans are so resistant. We fight death as much as possible.
"Death" can include any type of transformation. Peace at it's core is complete acceptance of whatever change is occurring. Lessons from a dying plant.
Other things I came across today...a snake! Something I always take as a good sign. :)
And then later I came across this beautiful orange spotted moth:
I did get a few stones along the way, and one in particular will definitely make it into my mesa. Overall, it was a great day for hunting kuyas.
Psoriasis realization
I just realized something today...
Even though the psoriasis on my elbows came back to the condition they were in before doing ayahusca (because I'm eating trigger foods), the psoriasis behind my ears seems to still be improved!
Weird.
It's not like the psoriasis in that area is completely gone, but it is MUCH more improved even when I cheat. For example, there might be a spot of psoriasis where there used to be a whole patch.
And my navel, the other problem area, is still doing pretty good. The psoriasis is there but very mild. I've had times when my navel turned into this annoying source of constant itchiness and it hasn't gotten to that point since being back home.
And just for the record it's been four weeks now.
I think the "ayahuasca glow" has died down but I am still adjusting and re-acclimating to life. I'm not super pumped like when I first got home, but I've still got my lessons here inside me.
Even though the psoriasis on my elbows came back to the condition they were in before doing ayahusca (because I'm eating trigger foods), the psoriasis behind my ears seems to still be improved!
Weird.
It's not like the psoriasis in that area is completely gone, but it is MUCH more improved even when I cheat. For example, there might be a spot of psoriasis where there used to be a whole patch.
And my navel, the other problem area, is still doing pretty good. The psoriasis is there but very mild. I've had times when my navel turned into this annoying source of constant itchiness and it hasn't gotten to that point since being back home.
And just for the record it's been four weeks now.
I think the "ayahuasca glow" has died down but I am still adjusting and re-acclimating to life. I'm not super pumped like when I first got home, but I've still got my lessons here inside me.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
My spiritual crisis
I am going through a spiritual crisis. There. I finally said it.
I've realized this for a while but have not actually spoken those words to anyone.
My spiritual emergence was precipitated by the shamanic healing I had at the end of May. I realize now that the three weeks of bliss that I experienced afterwards was Spirit's way of getting my attention. The three months of hell that followed that blissful state was to clear out all the gunk in my psyche that needed to be healed, called hucha in Andean shamanism. And there was A LOT of hucha to be healed.
My interest in ayahuasca actually began about a year ago, so I'm taking this as a sign that all of this was meant to happen the way it did. I really did need the ayahuasca to get me out of the darkness that engulfed me all this summer. Even though the Andean-based shamanic healings back home were helping, seven ceremonies were still not enough to clear my depression.
I literally felt like a new person after the ayahuasca retreat. However, I came back home feeling like everything from my life didn't fit the same way as before.
Yes, there were many improvements in my mood and self-concept, and many positive insights following my ayahuasca ceremonies. However I felt detached from certain aspects of my life, including, unfortunately, my marriage to my husband. I absolutely hate that I am breaking the heart of one of most loving and caring people I have ever met. At one point I told my husband that I would almost rather die than hurt him like this.
Yet, at the same time, I can't help how I feel. It is perplexing. I spent a week in horror at what I was doing, at how ruthlessly selfish I was being. I finally realized that I needed to stop torturing myself and focus instead on self love and self acceptance.
For the past four months I have had no idea what was happening to me or where my life was going. Since coming back from the ayahuasca retreat, I've had episodes of feeling lost and confused. Many times I have felt that life is overwhelming. I've settled down a bit, but am still a little afraid at what is happening.
I don't understand it and I feel very alone.
I feel like there is nobody to go to for help because nobody truly knows what I am experiencing. And the thing I want to do most is talk about this with someone who will truly listen with understanding and empathy and not judge the experiences.
The only thing I know to do is just be where I am, and be okay with that. To not judge or shame myself (which is really hard to do) and not over think things.
And also, to do a lot of praying.
I've realized this for a while but have not actually spoken those words to anyone.
My spiritual emergence was precipitated by the shamanic healing I had at the end of May. I realize now that the three weeks of bliss that I experienced afterwards was Spirit's way of getting my attention. The three months of hell that followed that blissful state was to clear out all the gunk in my psyche that needed to be healed, called hucha in Andean shamanism. And there was A LOT of hucha to be healed.
My interest in ayahuasca actually began about a year ago, so I'm taking this as a sign that all of this was meant to happen the way it did. I really did need the ayahuasca to get me out of the darkness that engulfed me all this summer. Even though the Andean-based shamanic healings back home were helping, seven ceremonies were still not enough to clear my depression.
I literally felt like a new person after the ayahuasca retreat. However, I came back home feeling like everything from my life didn't fit the same way as before.
Yes, there were many improvements in my mood and self-concept, and many positive insights following my ayahuasca ceremonies. However I felt detached from certain aspects of my life, including, unfortunately, my marriage to my husband. I absolutely hate that I am breaking the heart of one of most loving and caring people I have ever met. At one point I told my husband that I would almost rather die than hurt him like this.
Yet, at the same time, I can't help how I feel. It is perplexing. I spent a week in horror at what I was doing, at how ruthlessly selfish I was being. I finally realized that I needed to stop torturing myself and focus instead on self love and self acceptance.
For the past four months I have had no idea what was happening to me or where my life was going. Since coming back from the ayahuasca retreat, I've had episodes of feeling lost and confused. Many times I have felt that life is overwhelming. I've settled down a bit, but am still a little afraid at what is happening.
I don't understand it and I feel very alone.
I feel like there is nobody to go to for help because nobody truly knows what I am experiencing. And the thing I want to do most is talk about this with someone who will truly listen with understanding and empathy and not judge the experiences.
The only thing I know to do is just be where I am, and be okay with that. To not judge or shame myself (which is really hard to do) and not over think things.
And also, to do a lot of praying.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Ayahuasca helped me heal broken relationships
Back in 2010 I had several breaks in relationships, about 4 or 5 people, within a two month period and it was extremely painful for me. These were not just acquaintances, but old friends, family, and others whom I loved and wanted to be close to, but could no longer be in my life for one reason or another. Some people left of their own accord, but mostly I just couldn't take the dysfunction and stopped talking to them. It still felt like I was the one being rejected though.
I fell into a dark depression that lasted an entire year. I felt like none of these people understood the depth and severity of the pain I was in. I felt that even if they did know, they would not have cared how deeply I was hurt because they were more concerned about who was "right" or who was "wrong" in the relationship. For an entire year after losing these loved ones, I often didn't see the point of living because what is the point of being alive in this world if nobody cares about how you feel. Thankfully, I had just met my future husband during this time, and he was the one that kept me going.
Since coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I have contacted two of these people and reconciled things. One is an old friend I knew since 2006, and the other is my brother. Before taking ayahuasca I could feel a palpable block surrounding these people. I even considered contacting the old friend, and I wanted to contact my brother but didn't feel completely right about doing it for some reason. It was like there was still subconscious stuff to work through that would have caused a conflict if I contacted them too soon.
After coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I felt so open that there was very little resistance or self doubt surrounding wanting to connect with these old relationships again. Mostly, I wanted there not to be that energy of conflict in my life anymore. Or rather, maybe it is more that the energy of conflict in my life did not match up to how I felt inside. Regardless, even though these people were technically not in my life, I still felt the negative energy when thinking about these people. After coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I intuitively knew that this conflict could, and should, be fixed.
I first wrote to my brother and told him about some of my experiences, including that my deceased father came to me to apologize for the abuse I'd been through. The night before last we talked on the phone for the first time in years. The conversation lasted a little over an hour. I am so thankful that I will be able to attend his wedding later this month without the awkwardness of a strained relationship.
As for the old friend, I sent a positive message to her on Facebook explaining that I had just been on an ayahuasca retreat and felt the need to tell her that she was a good friend that she deserved happiness in her life. She was thankful for the message and wrote some positive things back, including that she had no hard feelings against me.
Today I had the urge to contact my half-sister, someone I felt very hurt by for what I perceived to be a snub. Back in 2010 she came down to the DC area to visit my brother but didn't call or make time to see me. What makes it worse is that I knew she was coming down and even asked her to call me so we could meet up. I felt extremely hurt and rejected by this. Over the years I mostly got over it, but not enough for me to want to connect again. After the ayahuasca center in Peru, I no longer feel hurt over what happened at all and even want to go visit her! So that will be three people that I'll be reconciling with.
Anyway, I feel this is all pretty miraculous. I feel like all the old crap from my life is being cleared away and it feels so good!
I fell into a dark depression that lasted an entire year. I felt like none of these people understood the depth and severity of the pain I was in. I felt that even if they did know, they would not have cared how deeply I was hurt because they were more concerned about who was "right" or who was "wrong" in the relationship. For an entire year after losing these loved ones, I often didn't see the point of living because what is the point of being alive in this world if nobody cares about how you feel. Thankfully, I had just met my future husband during this time, and he was the one that kept me going.
Since coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I have contacted two of these people and reconciled things. One is an old friend I knew since 2006, and the other is my brother. Before taking ayahuasca I could feel a palpable block surrounding these people. I even considered contacting the old friend, and I wanted to contact my brother but didn't feel completely right about doing it for some reason. It was like there was still subconscious stuff to work through that would have caused a conflict if I contacted them too soon.
After coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I felt so open that there was very little resistance or self doubt surrounding wanting to connect with these old relationships again. Mostly, I wanted there not to be that energy of conflict in my life anymore. Or rather, maybe it is more that the energy of conflict in my life did not match up to how I felt inside. Regardless, even though these people were technically not in my life, I still felt the negative energy when thinking about these people. After coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I intuitively knew that this conflict could, and should, be fixed.
I first wrote to my brother and told him about some of my experiences, including that my deceased father came to me to apologize for the abuse I'd been through. The night before last we talked on the phone for the first time in years. The conversation lasted a little over an hour. I am so thankful that I will be able to attend his wedding later this month without the awkwardness of a strained relationship.
As for the old friend, I sent a positive message to her on Facebook explaining that I had just been on an ayahuasca retreat and felt the need to tell her that she was a good friend that she deserved happiness in her life. She was thankful for the message and wrote some positive things back, including that she had no hard feelings against me.
Today I had the urge to contact my half-sister, someone I felt very hurt by for what I perceived to be a snub. Back in 2010 she came down to the DC area to visit my brother but didn't call or make time to see me. What makes it worse is that I knew she was coming down and even asked her to call me so we could meet up. I felt extremely hurt and rejected by this. Over the years I mostly got over it, but not enough for me to want to connect again. After the ayahuasca center in Peru, I no longer feel hurt over what happened at all and even want to go visit her! So that will be three people that I'll be reconciling with.
Anyway, I feel this is all pretty miraculous. I feel like all the old crap from my life is being cleared away and it feels so good!
Sunday, October 5, 2014
18 days after the ayahuasca retreat
Right elbow a little worse than previous posts from eating gluten and sugar.
Still not bad considering how bad my psoriasis used to be before the shamanic healing. And keep in mind that the P over the rest of my body is still not as bad as it used to be either--scalp, ears, inside my ears, navel, etc. If this is what will happen when I "cheat" every once in a while then I'll take it!
I'm wondering if there ever will be a final cure. Maybe I'll have to go on a strict diet with antifungals for a while or maybe I will always have a little bit of psoriasis no matter what I try? Maybe more psychedelic healing will help?
As far as mood, I have still been feeling great. Of course, I feel bad when I focus on the personal issues I've had to face since coming back from Peru, but when I focus on the good things I feel relatively good. I've felt really good about myself and a lot more confident. I'm still wondering how long this good feeling is going to last though. Will my mood drop back down again once the serotonin leaves my system? In the mean time I'm feeling tired and think I am getting sick. A few folks left the ayahuasca center in Peru with a bad cold and I'm wondering if I caught it from a new friend I met from there. Quite synchronistically, she only lives a half hour away from me and we've seen each other a couple times since getting back. Oh well, sometimes getting sick can force us to slow down and reset, and maybe that's what I need right now considering all the drastic changes that have occurred over the past four months.. Until next time...
I'm wondering if there ever will be a final cure. Maybe I'll have to go on a strict diet with antifungals for a while or maybe I will always have a little bit of psoriasis no matter what I try? Maybe more psychedelic healing will help?
As far as mood, I have still been feeling great. Of course, I feel bad when I focus on the personal issues I've had to face since coming back from Peru, but when I focus on the good things I feel relatively good. I've felt really good about myself and a lot more confident. I'm still wondering how long this good feeling is going to last though. Will my mood drop back down again once the serotonin leaves my system? In the mean time I'm feeling tired and think I am getting sick. A few folks left the ayahuasca center in Peru with a bad cold and I'm wondering if I caught it from a new friend I met from there. Quite synchronistically, she only lives a half hour away from me and we've seen each other a couple times since getting back. Oh well, sometimes getting sick can force us to slow down and reset, and maybe that's what I need right now considering all the drastic changes that have occurred over the past four months.. Until next time...
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Things I can do now!
At this moment, I am confidently eating and thoroughly enjoying a grilled cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread.
Sure, it might cause my psoriasis to flare a little, but I know I can still indulge in some guilty little pleasures every once in a while without super bad repercussions. If feels so good to finally have this little bit of freedom in my diet!
Today, I also enjoyed a morning run. And I have been running almost daily for the past week, something I have not been able to do mentally or physically for years. It feels so good!
I also had enough energy to do yoga afterwards. :)
I feel confident in who I am, and I don't care much about what other people think anymore.
Life is so beautiful, limitless even. I just want to soak in it.
Thank you to the shamans! Thank you healing spirits! Thank you ayahuasca!
Sure, it might cause my psoriasis to flare a little, but I know I can still indulge in some guilty little pleasures every once in a while without super bad repercussions. If feels so good to finally have this little bit of freedom in my diet!
Today, I also enjoyed a morning run. And I have been running almost daily for the past week, something I have not been able to do mentally or physically for years. It feels so good!
I also had enough energy to do yoga afterwards. :)
I feel confident in who I am, and I don't care much about what other people think anymore.
Life is so beautiful, limitless even. I just want to soak in it.
Thank you to the shamans! Thank you healing spirits! Thank you ayahuasca!
Monday, September 29, 2014
2 Weeks after Last Ayahuasca Ceremony
Right elbow says, "Hi."
And that, yes, it IS feeling much better, thank you.
There are actually a couple spots that are emerging and a little thicker than before. (By the way, talking about this stuff grosses me out and is a little embarrassing, but I go on with the hopes that it will help someone else.) HOWEVER, despite those spots, my psoriasis is definitely much better than is was before going to Peru.
Let's compare, and keep in mind that understanding how diet played a role puts things in a much better context. So...
Before Shamanic Healing:
Here is a picture of the same elbow Pre-Shamanic healing with a VERY STRICT DIET SUPPLEMENTED WITH GREEN SMOOTHIES:
When this picture was taken, I had been undergoing Oriental medicine for about 2 months at this point, which helped a little, so the psoriasis used to be even WORSE than this! There is a little freckle smack dab in the middle of my elbow. This freckle is what I use as an indicator. For most of the time that I have had psoriasis I could not see the freckle because it was covered over by the psoriasis.
This was taken on May 27th, the day of my first shamanic healing. This is definitely not the worst my psoriasis had been, and I know the pics aren't the best quality, but it is still a good example to use. Now let's look at how I've been able to loosen up my diet AFTER shamanic healings, both from the Andean/Multicultural tradition (wich heals using spirits) and the Shipibo tradition (which heals using plant medicine, in my case only ayahuasca, and healing songs called icaros).
After Shamanic Healing:
P.S. I realize that taking a picture of my elbow bent vs straight does influence how bad the psoriasis looks. I will try to just take photos of my elbow a little bent from now on.
There are actually a couple spots that are emerging and a little thicker than before. (By the way, talking about this stuff grosses me out and is a little embarrassing, but I go on with the hopes that it will help someone else.) HOWEVER, despite those spots, my psoriasis is definitely much better than is was before going to Peru.
Let's compare, and keep in mind that understanding how diet played a role puts things in a much better context. So...
Before Shamanic Healing:
- Ate NO gluten, sugar, or alcohol at all.
- Ate very little fruit because it was staring to make me flare, a relatively recent (and discouraging) development!
- Drank green smoothies with kale practically every single day--this helped significantly in keeping the flaring down.
Here is a picture of the same elbow Pre-Shamanic healing with a VERY STRICT DIET SUPPLEMENTED WITH GREEN SMOOTHIES:
This was taken on May 27th, the day of my first shamanic healing. This is definitely not the worst my psoriasis had been, and I know the pics aren't the best quality, but it is still a good example to use. Now let's look at how I've been able to loosen up my diet AFTER shamanic healings, both from the Andean/Multicultural tradition (wich heals using spirits) and the Shipibo tradition (which heals using plant medicine, in my case only ayahuasca, and healing songs called icaros).
After Shamanic Healing:
- "Cheating" a little here and there by eating some sugar and/or gluten. For example, a cookie one day, some toast the next day, a little chocolate the day after that, maybe have a day or two in between when I eat no sugar or gluten at all. I still won't drink alcohol, and have no desire to.
- Have NOT had any green smoothies whatsoever since leaving for Peru about 3 weeks ago. I do plan to resume drinking green smoothies 3-4 times a week though.
- Can eat fruit freely, except oranges which still seem to cause sores in the back of my mouth.
P.S. I realize that taking a picture of my elbow bent vs straight does influence how bad the psoriasis looks. I will try to just take photos of my elbow a little bent from now on.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Show Me Who You Are
About a year ago, toward the end of a week-long seminar for the school I attended for my master's in transpersonal psychology, I had a very spiritual dream. In this dream, one of my instructors healed me on the back of my neck which caused my entire body to go limp and my spine to glow with an intense and warm light. By the end of the dream I was embraced with pure love and acceptance, and I sensed a compassionate yet encouraging message from the universe: "Show me who you are!"
Not being able to show others who I am has always been a huge issue in my life. After getting back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I feel like I might finally be able to show myself. And I got the message while walking in the woods today (I get my best insights while walking in nature) that I need to be fully who I am to everyone. I need to be open and honest and show who I am--spiritual beliefs, wacky experiences, and everything else. That it will somehow teach others. But not only that, it will allow me to accept myself more.
The world can't love what it can't see. And I'm not honoring myself fully if I continue to hide myself. By being completely who I am to everyone, I become open and free, and I learn to be okay with all those exposed parts of myself.
Not being able to show others who I am has always been a huge issue in my life. After getting back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I feel like I might finally be able to show myself. And I got the message while walking in the woods today (I get my best insights while walking in nature) that I need to be fully who I am to everyone. I need to be open and honest and show who I am--spiritual beliefs, wacky experiences, and everything else. That it will somehow teach others. But not only that, it will allow me to accept myself more.
The world can't love what it can't see. And I'm not honoring myself fully if I continue to hide myself. By being completely who I am to everyone, I become open and free, and I learn to be okay with all those exposed parts of myself.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Ayahuasca and the ayahuasca center in Peru
At some point during my blissed out state earlier this summer, I realized a need to get away and have some time for myself. I took off the first few weeks in September, and ultimately decided go to an ayahuasca retreat in Peru, specifically [name removed].
I won't go into the details of my ceremonies now. Out of the four ceremonies I was able to participate in, three of them were excruciating. But that's just me and my experience. I don't think it is typical of most people. At any rate, I highly recommend [name removed] because of the high level of support and potential for healing there. I already want to go back again!
EDIT and UPDATE 4/01/2015: Six months after my four ayahuasca ceremonies, my depression has not come back to the level it was at before. Yes, there have been ups and downs, and even a few temporary episodes of depression that were able to be healed by the shaman back home. However, I feel the depression caused specifically by childhood abuse was healed due to a combination of the shamanic healings back home (which both healed "primed" me for ayahuasca) AND the ayahuasca ceremonies. I've kept up the healing through spiritual practice and shamanism. Many, many changes have occured, both within myself and in my outer life. Things are great and I go back to Peru in a few days.
EDIT and UPDATE 5/06/2015: Well, things took a huge turn. After coming back from my second trip to the ayahuasca center in Peru, I've been extremely depressed. You can see my posts here, here, here, and here. After recovering from my depression, I wrote more about my thoughts on this center. While I don't feel like I lost any of the previous healing that had occurred--and in fact, I did get a lot of work done this second time around in my ayahuasca ceremonies--but, I do feel like more issues have been made conscious and reveal. And it fucking sucks. Also, my psoriasis did not improve as much this time.
As for my psoriasis, it cleared almost completely while at the retreat, but I attributed this mainly to the strict diet of no sugar, salt, fat, dairy, alcohol, red meat, etc. We mainly ate potatoes, rice, fish, occasional chicken, split peas, lentils, oatmeal, apples, bananas, and some vegetables. As soon as I was off the diet I started to eat breads and foods containing gluten, something I normally try not to do because it flares my psoriasis. I also ate a little bit of chocolate today. My elbows have gotten noticeably drier looking because of this, but it will be interesting to see if the psoriasis eventually heals further as a result of the ayahuasca ceremonies.
I know the shamanic healing from this summer caused some healing already. The healing reached it's peak during my bliss state and then the psoriasis slowly came back as my mood went back down. However, some of the healing still stuck. It's as if my body bounces back more easily from the inflammatory foods that flare the psoriasis. Will the healing from the ayahuasca center allow my body to bounce back even more? I know that ayahuasca raises serotonin levels. I'm wondering if endorphins and/or serotonin have something to do with my immune system and the psoriasis. It's as if I have to feel good in order to not have psoriasis. I don't know...something like that maybe?
Here are some pics of my elbows from today, a few days after returning from the ayahuasca center in Peru:
Right Elbow
Left Elbow
UPDATE: The psoriasis eventually came back, so ignore the two above photos. Sorry to disappoint you.
I won't go into the details of my ceremonies now. Out of the four ceremonies I was able to participate in, three of them were excruciating. But that's just me and my experience. I don't think it is typical of most people. At any rate, I highly recommend [name removed] because of the high level of support and potential for healing there. I already want to go back again!
EDIT and UPDATE 4/01/2015: Six months after my four ayahuasca ceremonies, my depression has not come back to the level it was at before. Yes, there have been ups and downs, and even a few temporary episodes of depression that were able to be healed by the shaman back home. However, I feel the depression caused specifically by childhood abuse was healed due to a combination of the shamanic healings back home (which both healed "primed" me for ayahuasca) AND the ayahuasca ceremonies. I've kept up the healing through spiritual practice and shamanism. Many, many changes have occured, both within myself and in my outer life. Things are great and I go back to Peru in a few days.
EDIT and UPDATE 5/06/2015: Well, things took a huge turn. After coming back from my second trip to the ayahuasca center in Peru, I've been extremely depressed. You can see my posts here, here, here, and here. After recovering from my depression, I wrote more about my thoughts on this center. While I don't feel like I lost any of the previous healing that had occurred--and in fact, I did get a lot of work done this second time around in my ayahuasca ceremonies--but, I do feel like more issues have been made conscious and reveal. And it fucking sucks. Also, my psoriasis did not improve as much this time.
As for my psoriasis, it cleared almost completely while at the retreat, but I attributed this mainly to the strict diet of no sugar, salt, fat, dairy, alcohol, red meat, etc. We mainly ate potatoes, rice, fish, occasional chicken, split peas, lentils, oatmeal, apples, bananas, and some vegetables. As soon as I was off the diet I started to eat breads and foods containing gluten, something I normally try not to do because it flares my psoriasis. I also ate a little bit of chocolate today. My elbows have gotten noticeably drier looking because of this, but it will be interesting to see if the psoriasis eventually heals further as a result of the ayahuasca ceremonies.
I know the shamanic healing from this summer caused some healing already. The healing reached it's peak during my bliss state and then the psoriasis slowly came back as my mood went back down. However, some of the healing still stuck. It's as if my body bounces back more easily from the inflammatory foods that flare the psoriasis. Will the healing from the ayahuasca center allow my body to bounce back even more? I know that ayahuasca raises serotonin levels. I'm wondering if endorphins and/or serotonin have something to do with my immune system and the psoriasis. It's as if I have to feel good in order to not have psoriasis. I don't know...something like that maybe?
Here are some pics of my elbows from today, a few days after returning from the ayahuasca center in Peru:
Right Elbow
Left Elbow
UPDATE: The psoriasis eventually came back, so ignore the two above photos. Sorry to disappoint you.
It's Been a Long, Strange Summer!
Long time, no blog. Since my last post, the shit hit the shamanic fan and I was on what felt like an out of control roller coaster ride. After about 3-4 weeks of bliss and spiritual connection, it was as if spirit said, "Ok, that's enough" and dropped me into my own inner hell. A hell I never even realized existed.
I had never felt so angry in my life. I never knew it was possible for any human being to feel so much anger, let alone me. I literally hated the entire world. I hated life and wanted nothing to do with it any more. I'd been given too much to bear in this lifetime and couldn't take it any more. I wanted everything and everyone to fuck themselves (...except for babies and dogs.) :) I told Life what a useless piece of shit it was, how unfair and unnecessarily cruel it was, and that it could go fuck itself for all I cared. I spent an entire night wishing that I could just die, believing that I would have been better off if I had died when I tried committing suicide at the age of 16, and hoping for the escape of sleep to come soon. The next day I felt some relief but was still very angry.
I had no idea what was happening to me, and had no choice but to go back to the shaman for healing. He said that I had revealed a life theme, anger at Life, and on our third healing ceremony he rubbed an egg all over my body while I put my anger inside of it via prayer and intention. He then used another egg to restore harmony. Lastly, he told me to choose a spot in which to put Munay (love) back into my luminous body. I chose my heart.
The shaman gathered a small bunch of carnations, dipped them in Florida Water, and then set them on fire. He let the flames burn out, made sure the flowers were cooled off, and then rubbed them on my chest in a circular motion. He repeated the process a second time. By the third time the flowers were feeling warm and I thought I sensed energy going into my heart chakra. However, on the fourth time, I felt a palpable presence growing inside my chest, like a small, firm, fist. I wondered if it might begin to feel too intense and start to hurt. The energy built up until it finally did a pleasant mini explosion and dispersed throughout my body. At that moment I experienced joy so intense that I started to laugh involuntarily. "What are you aware of?" asked the shaman. "I don't know," I said with a smile on my face. He replied, "That's good."
After that day I thought my anger would be cured. However, I soon learned that this was just one of many healings that I would have to come back to the shaman for. I spent the rest of the summer feeling better and then slightly less worse--two steps forward, one step back--both the shaman and I working together to figure out the core source of my depression and anger. There were times when I wanted to die, times when violent thoughts toward myself invaded my mind. Eventually I wondered if this healing journey would ever end. Many times I'd lost complete connection to spirit and was just going through the motions, hoping that spirit at least heard my prayers even though I often found it impossible to create a meaningful connection.
The deeper the healing, the more recuperating I would need. One time we healed a very young source (about 4-5 years old) of anger at both of my parents for abusing and neglecting me. The next day I felt good but could barely move or do anything. It was as if I had no will or motivation to do anything inside me. The shaman said a part of my soul was being rebuilt and after about two weeks I was seeing the world with a renewed sense of wonder and beauty.
The shaman gave me Andean spiritual practices to use. Sometimes I was able to pull myself up with them....and sometimes not. Even when I was able to pull myself out of a depression, the effect was only temporary. One time in particular caught my attention though. I was depressed but willed myself to go walking in the woods to my special spot. Something in me forced me to do the spiritual practice. I convinced myself: "I'll just do the practice and then I can leave if I want." I walked to my spot, a place near the path in the woods that overlooks the river. II felt relaxed and just sat with nature, just resting. A butterfly fed on some moist soil near me and I reached over as if it would let me pick it up. Of course, it flew away and I felt a little silly. I sat straight up with my hands face up in my lap and proceeded with my shamanic practices, connecting with the sun, earth, wind, and water. Suddenly I felt something land in my hand. A butterfly! I stayed as still as possible for a long time until an insect bit me, causing me to jerk my arm and scare the butterfly away. After scratching the bite I got back into position. Soon, the butterfly landed right back into my hand again! Eventually I moved again. The butterfly flew up and then landed on my arm! Again and again, each time I moved this butterfly kept landing right back onto me.
Eventually I got up and decided to continue walking through the woods after all. I walked toward the edge of the woods and out into a meadow. As soon as I walked to the meadow I was struck by the beauty I saw and felt. I realized that my mind was not clouded anymore, but was clear. This clarity allowed me to enjoy what was right there in front of me. Peace, nature, colors, wind, joy.
Later in the day, the depression did eventually come back again. However, deep inside I knew that something special had happened. The shaman smiled when I told him about the butterfly a week later. "It was just eating the sweat off my skin," I said. Why was it so difficult for me to own what had happened? But the shaman verified it for me. "I think you raised your vibration so high that you matched that of the butterfly."
In all, I have had seven healing ceremonies with the shaman this summer.
I had never felt so angry in my life. I never knew it was possible for any human being to feel so much anger, let alone me. I literally hated the entire world. I hated life and wanted nothing to do with it any more. I'd been given too much to bear in this lifetime and couldn't take it any more. I wanted everything and everyone to fuck themselves (...except for babies and dogs.) :) I told Life what a useless piece of shit it was, how unfair and unnecessarily cruel it was, and that it could go fuck itself for all I cared. I spent an entire night wishing that I could just die, believing that I would have been better off if I had died when I tried committing suicide at the age of 16, and hoping for the escape of sleep to come soon. The next day I felt some relief but was still very angry.
I had no idea what was happening to me, and had no choice but to go back to the shaman for healing. He said that I had revealed a life theme, anger at Life, and on our third healing ceremony he rubbed an egg all over my body while I put my anger inside of it via prayer and intention. He then used another egg to restore harmony. Lastly, he told me to choose a spot in which to put Munay (love) back into my luminous body. I chose my heart.
The shaman gathered a small bunch of carnations, dipped them in Florida Water, and then set them on fire. He let the flames burn out, made sure the flowers were cooled off, and then rubbed them on my chest in a circular motion. He repeated the process a second time. By the third time the flowers were feeling warm and I thought I sensed energy going into my heart chakra. However, on the fourth time, I felt a palpable presence growing inside my chest, like a small, firm, fist. I wondered if it might begin to feel too intense and start to hurt. The energy built up until it finally did a pleasant mini explosion and dispersed throughout my body. At that moment I experienced joy so intense that I started to laugh involuntarily. "What are you aware of?" asked the shaman. "I don't know," I said with a smile on my face. He replied, "That's good."
After that day I thought my anger would be cured. However, I soon learned that this was just one of many healings that I would have to come back to the shaman for. I spent the rest of the summer feeling better and then slightly less worse--two steps forward, one step back--both the shaman and I working together to figure out the core source of my depression and anger. There were times when I wanted to die, times when violent thoughts toward myself invaded my mind. Eventually I wondered if this healing journey would ever end. Many times I'd lost complete connection to spirit and was just going through the motions, hoping that spirit at least heard my prayers even though I often found it impossible to create a meaningful connection.
The deeper the healing, the more recuperating I would need. One time we healed a very young source (about 4-5 years old) of anger at both of my parents for abusing and neglecting me. The next day I felt good but could barely move or do anything. It was as if I had no will or motivation to do anything inside me. The shaman said a part of my soul was being rebuilt and after about two weeks I was seeing the world with a renewed sense of wonder and beauty.
The shaman gave me Andean spiritual practices to use. Sometimes I was able to pull myself up with them....and sometimes not. Even when I was able to pull myself out of a depression, the effect was only temporary. One time in particular caught my attention though. I was depressed but willed myself to go walking in the woods to my special spot. Something in me forced me to do the spiritual practice. I convinced myself: "I'll just do the practice and then I can leave if I want." I walked to my spot, a place near the path in the woods that overlooks the river. II felt relaxed and just sat with nature, just resting. A butterfly fed on some moist soil near me and I reached over as if it would let me pick it up. Of course, it flew away and I felt a little silly. I sat straight up with my hands face up in my lap and proceeded with my shamanic practices, connecting with the sun, earth, wind, and water. Suddenly I felt something land in my hand. A butterfly! I stayed as still as possible for a long time until an insect bit me, causing me to jerk my arm and scare the butterfly away. After scratching the bite I got back into position. Soon, the butterfly landed right back into my hand again! Eventually I moved again. The butterfly flew up and then landed on my arm! Again and again, each time I moved this butterfly kept landing right back onto me.
Eventually I got up and decided to continue walking through the woods after all. I walked toward the edge of the woods and out into a meadow. As soon as I walked to the meadow I was struck by the beauty I saw and felt. I realized that my mind was not clouded anymore, but was clear. This clarity allowed me to enjoy what was right there in front of me. Peace, nature, colors, wind, joy.
Later in the day, the depression did eventually come back again. However, deep inside I knew that something special had happened. The shaman smiled when I told him about the butterfly a week later. "It was just eating the sweat off my skin," I said. Why was it so difficult for me to own what had happened? But the shaman verified it for me. "I think you raised your vibration so high that you matched that of the butterfly."
In all, I have had seven healing ceremonies with the shaman this summer.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Soul Retrieval and Integration: A Short Overview and Update
The past nine days since my last post have been...amazing, magical, blissful, mind-blowing. I'd have to write a book to describe everything that I've experienced, and I can't believe it's only been about two and a half weeks since my first healing session. I feel like it's been two months!
I was instructed by the shaman to eat what my 2 1/2-year-old soul part wanted to eat despite any dietary restrictions I've had to follow in the past. The first thing I did was eat a cheeseburger! It was the best fricken cheeseburger I'd ever had in my life. I'd eaten a few more cheeseburgers since then and today I had pizza! Actually, I had to have the pizza because I had lost so much of my appetite that nothing else appealed to me. But now that I ate the pizza I no longer have the appetite issue!
Another thing is that my psoriasis is improving. The psoriasis in my navel is almost completely cleared, and my elbows have been clearing as well. I discontinued the Oriental medicine just before beginning the shamanic healing, and I think my elbows are more clear now than with two months of acupuncture and herbal medicine.
Here are my elbows 2 1/2 weeks after my first shamanic healing session and eight days after my first soul retrieval.
Left elbow.
Right elbow.
I was instructed by the shaman to eat what my 2 1/2-year-old soul part wanted to eat despite any dietary restrictions I've had to follow in the past. The first thing I did was eat a cheeseburger! It was the best fricken cheeseburger I'd ever had in my life. I'd eaten a few more cheeseburgers since then and today I had pizza! Actually, I had to have the pizza because I had lost so much of my appetite that nothing else appealed to me. But now that I ate the pizza I no longer have the appetite issue!
Another thing is that my psoriasis is improving. The psoriasis in my navel is almost completely cleared, and my elbows have been clearing as well. I discontinued the Oriental medicine just before beginning the shamanic healing, and I think my elbows are more clear now than with two months of acupuncture and herbal medicine.
Here are my elbows 2 1/2 weeks after my first shamanic healing session and eight days after my first soul retrieval.
Left elbow.
Right elbow.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Shamanic Healing Experience Continued
Last week I detailed my experiences with a shamanic healer, and I wanted to comment on what happened in the days following...
This past week has been very interesting. First off, I want to say that the results of the shamanic healing was very palpable and real. I've had about 40 years of experience dealing with depression and I can say that there has never been any instance where my depression just suddenly "lifted" out of the blue. Overcoming a depressive episode has always been a gradual experience, sometimes taking several months. But this time, it was immediate.
For the rest of the day following our session I felt very peaceful in both my mind and in my body. I also noticed that my thoughts and feelings did not have any negativity attached to them. To use an example from issues that I'd been dealing with, I could think about the painful loss of a close friendship, for instance, but there would be no pain attached to it. The thought would either be insightful, or loving, or at the very least simply neutral. It was as if my thoughts and feelings had been cleansed.
The day after the session, I felt myself coming down with a cold. Although I was feeling tired from being under the weather, I enjoyed the sense of love and joy that emanated from my heart center. In fact, I could still feel some kind of buzzing feeling in that area of my body throughout the next day.
I hate to sound cliche, but for the next day or two the world started to look a little bit different. I gained a sense of clarity in my perspective. Let me explain.
To use the example of the lost friendship again, I thought about my childhood best friend who hadn't initiated contact with me for years. This has always deeply pained me, although I always knew that the situation was complex. For the first time, I was able to see the situation through the eyes of love! All of the love that I'd been holding back due to the pain came flooding back again, and I couldn't help but feel intense love for this soul buddy, no matter what had happened between us! I felt an intense urge to connect with this person again, although my intuition told me that the time was not right.
This feeling of clarity extended to my memories as well. I usually have a bad memory, but old memories started coming through with greater clarity, and I also started remembering things that I had forgotten about! I remember an event when I was a small child. I was sitting on the couch of my parent's apartment, perhaps about age two or three? Suddenly my parents were fighting, and I had no idea what about. My mother was chasing my father with a clothes iron around the apartment. At one point they ran past me and my father had blood streaming down his face near his eye. I just sat on the couch, not upset, but just confused. I remember at one point observing myself in the scene from a third person perspective. I know, weird! I remember sensing this third person perspective before, but not knowing what to make of it, and eventually chalked it up to imagination. But now? I'm not so sure.
Life in general just seemed so clear.
I had moments of feeling pure connection with the essence of life. How do I even explain this? It is a feeling of openness and connection without the background rumbling in the mind of how one will get through daily life. I felt like I was perceiving the essence of life rather than the superficial values that we usually put on it. I would ponder in wonder about the intense life and potential within each seed. Trees seemed to literally be dancing in the wind.
I remembered my dreams better as well. And I had several healing dreams regarding, again, lost friendships with those I felt close to. I felt the dreams helped to clarify and resolve issues, and I now feel more closure and peace with these people.
I also had many insights and I journalled a lot. One realization I had was that my third eye was blocked due to making mortifying and traumatic discoveries due to following my intuition as a child. I am hoping this part of me will come back again so that I can fully realize my gifts, which I had always felt had been missing.
Other effects: I wanted to spend time to myself. I wanted to be out in nature. I hated being out in society. I hated having to do menial tasks at work. Also, waking up at 3am the past few nights.
Eventually, I lost this clarity, but the depression didn't come back in it's entirety. I did get a little depressed yesterday, but this is because I still have anger issues toward my abusive childhood. And I also felt those feelings of rejection and loneliness creep back up again. The shaman did say that I might "deflate" again, and if I did that it was okay. Yesterday I cried due to mourning this loss of clarity. I was saddened at having to go back to living in what now seems like a fog. I am looking forward to seeing if the soul retreival will help to being this clarity back again.
This past week has been very interesting. First off, I want to say that the results of the shamanic healing was very palpable and real. I've had about 40 years of experience dealing with depression and I can say that there has never been any instance where my depression just suddenly "lifted" out of the blue. Overcoming a depressive episode has always been a gradual experience, sometimes taking several months. But this time, it was immediate.
For the rest of the day following our session I felt very peaceful in both my mind and in my body. I also noticed that my thoughts and feelings did not have any negativity attached to them. To use an example from issues that I'd been dealing with, I could think about the painful loss of a close friendship, for instance, but there would be no pain attached to it. The thought would either be insightful, or loving, or at the very least simply neutral. It was as if my thoughts and feelings had been cleansed.
The day after the session, I felt myself coming down with a cold. Although I was feeling tired from being under the weather, I enjoyed the sense of love and joy that emanated from my heart center. In fact, I could still feel some kind of buzzing feeling in that area of my body throughout the next day.
I hate to sound cliche, but for the next day or two the world started to look a little bit different. I gained a sense of clarity in my perspective. Let me explain.
To use the example of the lost friendship again, I thought about my childhood best friend who hadn't initiated contact with me for years. This has always deeply pained me, although I always knew that the situation was complex. For the first time, I was able to see the situation through the eyes of love! All of the love that I'd been holding back due to the pain came flooding back again, and I couldn't help but feel intense love for this soul buddy, no matter what had happened between us! I felt an intense urge to connect with this person again, although my intuition told me that the time was not right.
This feeling of clarity extended to my memories as well. I usually have a bad memory, but old memories started coming through with greater clarity, and I also started remembering things that I had forgotten about! I remember an event when I was a small child. I was sitting on the couch of my parent's apartment, perhaps about age two or three? Suddenly my parents were fighting, and I had no idea what about. My mother was chasing my father with a clothes iron around the apartment. At one point they ran past me and my father had blood streaming down his face near his eye. I just sat on the couch, not upset, but just confused. I remember at one point observing myself in the scene from a third person perspective. I know, weird! I remember sensing this third person perspective before, but not knowing what to make of it, and eventually chalked it up to imagination. But now? I'm not so sure.
Life in general just seemed so clear.
I had moments of feeling pure connection with the essence of life. How do I even explain this? It is a feeling of openness and connection without the background rumbling in the mind of how one will get through daily life. I felt like I was perceiving the essence of life rather than the superficial values that we usually put on it. I would ponder in wonder about the intense life and potential within each seed. Trees seemed to literally be dancing in the wind.
I remembered my dreams better as well. And I had several healing dreams regarding, again, lost friendships with those I felt close to. I felt the dreams helped to clarify and resolve issues, and I now feel more closure and peace with these people.
I also had many insights and I journalled a lot. One realization I had was that my third eye was blocked due to making mortifying and traumatic discoveries due to following my intuition as a child. I am hoping this part of me will come back again so that I can fully realize my gifts, which I had always felt had been missing.
Other effects: I wanted to spend time to myself. I wanted to be out in nature. I hated being out in society. I hated having to do menial tasks at work. Also, waking up at 3am the past few nights.
Eventually, I lost this clarity, but the depression didn't come back in it's entirety. I did get a little depressed yesterday, but this is because I still have anger issues toward my abusive childhood. And I also felt those feelings of rejection and loneliness creep back up again. The shaman did say that I might "deflate" again, and if I did that it was okay. Yesterday I cried due to mourning this loss of clarity. I was saddened at having to go back to living in what now seems like a fog. I am looking forward to seeing if the soul retreival will help to being this clarity back again.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
My Shamanic Healing Experience
I definitely feel a huge difference after the shamanic healing ceremony. I feel much more peaceful. The heartache that made up the crux of my depression is gone, as are the negative thoughts and feelings.
We started with a divination, where the healer gets in touch with his and my guides in order to receive any messages they might have and to answer any questions. One message that stuck out at me is that my life didn't go as it was originally planned. However, it was not too late to get back on track with the purpose I was meant to fulfill. (Or something like that...I could be remembering this a little differently.) The healer also said that I had intuitive gifts but that my third eye was stuck, preventing me from reaching my full spiritual potential. As for spiritual growth, I am very high up my "spiritual mountain." Funny that he mentioned the word mountain, because it reminds me of this art piece of a spiritual landscape that I created about a year ago:
See the mountains with the trails leading up? I think the one on the right represents spiritual potential and the one on the left represents that actual journey.
I didn't really have any questions. I mainly just wanted to get right down to business with healing this chronic heartache.
The healer put a blanket on the floor and I laid on top of it. He cleared my chakras by working with my luminous body. I can't say that it felt like anything special. However, at one point while I was on the floor I could feel my heart thumping in my chest. I didn't feel particularly nervous, but maybe a part of me felt weird about this whole thing. Or maybe it was something else.
The healer got out a big drum and told me to state an intention in my mind to let go of the heavy feelings of worthlessness I'd been having. I nodded my head when I was ready and then he beat the drum all over the top of my body. Its deep vibration resonated through my body at times. I could feel myself immersing with the sound of the drum as I imagined my heartache and heaviness lifting up into it.
The healer then did three extractions from my body by clicking meteorite rocks near the affected areas. He didn't explain what these intrusions were from or who they were related to. I also didn't feel anything significant during the process. I'm not sayint that the process itself wasn't significant! Just that it didn't feel much like anything. I'm sure it contributed to the peace I felt afterwards.
Lastly, the healer said prayer while putting his hand on my heart. This, I did feel. It felt like love pouring into me.
After the ceremony I felt very peaceful. As I said, the depression was completely gone and I felt love throughout my body and in my thoughts and emotions.
Keep in mind that we had not even done the soul retrieval yet! This was just in preparation for the soul retrieval, which is scheduled for next Wednesday. I will keep you posted. :)
We started with a divination, where the healer gets in touch with his and my guides in order to receive any messages they might have and to answer any questions. One message that stuck out at me is that my life didn't go as it was originally planned. However, it was not too late to get back on track with the purpose I was meant to fulfill. (Or something like that...I could be remembering this a little differently.) The healer also said that I had intuitive gifts but that my third eye was stuck, preventing me from reaching my full spiritual potential. As for spiritual growth, I am very high up my "spiritual mountain." Funny that he mentioned the word mountain, because it reminds me of this art piece of a spiritual landscape that I created about a year ago:
See the mountains with the trails leading up? I think the one on the right represents spiritual potential and the one on the left represents that actual journey.
I didn't really have any questions. I mainly just wanted to get right down to business with healing this chronic heartache.
The healer put a blanket on the floor and I laid on top of it. He cleared my chakras by working with my luminous body. I can't say that it felt like anything special. However, at one point while I was on the floor I could feel my heart thumping in my chest. I didn't feel particularly nervous, but maybe a part of me felt weird about this whole thing. Or maybe it was something else.
The healer got out a big drum and told me to state an intention in my mind to let go of the heavy feelings of worthlessness I'd been having. I nodded my head when I was ready and then he beat the drum all over the top of my body. Its deep vibration resonated through my body at times. I could feel myself immersing with the sound of the drum as I imagined my heartache and heaviness lifting up into it.
The healer then did three extractions from my body by clicking meteorite rocks near the affected areas. He didn't explain what these intrusions were from or who they were related to. I also didn't feel anything significant during the process. I'm not sayint that the process itself wasn't significant! Just that it didn't feel much like anything. I'm sure it contributed to the peace I felt afterwards.
Lastly, the healer said prayer while putting his hand on my heart. This, I did feel. It felt like love pouring into me.
After the ceremony I felt very peaceful. As I said, the depression was completely gone and I felt love throughout my body and in my thoughts and emotions.
Keep in mind that we had not even done the soul retrieval yet! This was just in preparation for the soul retrieval, which is scheduled for next Wednesday. I will keep you posted. :)
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Seven Weeks of Oriental Medicine
This is a picture of my right elbow, which, interestingly, has been more clear than usual but still "taut" and dry feeling. What makes this unusual is that this elbow seems to be doing a little better than the left elbow, and ever since I've has psoriasis it was always the left elbow that was clearer.
Here is my left elbow:
Hmm. Maybe they look about the same...
I experimented with taking eggs out of my diet about a week ago, so I don't know if that is the cause for the change. My scalp started to become more itchy, and was really intense a few days ago. Things were definitely more flaky too. Then the itchiness calmed down.
I should also mention that I'd been REALLY depressed the past month or so. There are so many factors that could go into any slight change with my psoriasis that it is impossible to tell what is causing what!
During my acupuncture session today the doctor asked me how the ringing in my ears and psoriais was, if it was better. Well, yes, things DID get better once I started taking the herbal medicine. However, things also got just a bit slightly worse...just a little, but then leveled off, and now cycles through getting slightly worse and slightly better. My answer to him was that it's complicated. I'm not even sure the acupuncture is doing anything, but I will continue a little while more.
I initially made the appointment thinking it would be "good for me." Then I fell into the most horrendous depression which was triggered by multiple events: writing my graduate capstone paper on Shadow Work; issues with my mother; anger and resentment at my family for not understanding the abuse I went through; sorrow, heartache, and grief from losing loved ones because of the baggage I carried from the abuse. It was real deep! And very unexpected. I feel there is a higher purpose for the timing of this all, as if to say, "Okay, you want to start healing stuff? Well let me show you what needs to be healed!" BAM!
There are emotions and memories coming up that I haven't felt in years. All of my life I've had a lingering sense of heartache that never seems to leave no matter what I do. Even though I've gotten myself to a place of feeling happy, that lingering heartache and doubt is still there.
I thought I made a huge leap in my own healing a few months ago when I decided to deliberately let go of any thoughts related to rejection or people judging me (issues I've had all my life). I also felt that these feelings were related to my mother somehow, who was abusive to me as a child and has been a huge emotional burden all my life. I stopped talking to her and let go of these negative thoughts and felt like I was really WITH myself for the very first time. I'd come face-to-face with who I really am as a whole and complete person! It felt like a soul retrieval in itself! However, then I became stressed out with my capstone assignment. Then I started to feel judged about my spiritual beliefs, which is a raw spot for me because it is those very beliefs that helped me to survive the depression I've experienced my entire life. Then my mom started calling me every single day! It was just too much and I crumbled back down to a broken heap.
I've been building myself back up again with the help of mindfulness techniques and with the incredible support of my husband. I have hope for the shamanic healing. I will do pretty much anything at this point to become whole and healed again! I will keep you updated.
Here is my left elbow:
Hmm. Maybe they look about the same...
I experimented with taking eggs out of my diet about a week ago, so I don't know if that is the cause for the change. My scalp started to become more itchy, and was really intense a few days ago. Things were definitely more flaky too. Then the itchiness calmed down.
I should also mention that I'd been REALLY depressed the past month or so. There are so many factors that could go into any slight change with my psoriasis that it is impossible to tell what is causing what!
During my acupuncture session today the doctor asked me how the ringing in my ears and psoriais was, if it was better. Well, yes, things DID get better once I started taking the herbal medicine. However, things also got just a bit slightly worse...just a little, but then leveled off, and now cycles through getting slightly worse and slightly better. My answer to him was that it's complicated. I'm not even sure the acupuncture is doing anything, but I will continue a little while more.
Shamanic Healing
On another note, I'm going to see a shamanic healer today. As I've mentioned before, I believe in the mind-body connection when it comes to physical health.I initially made the appointment thinking it would be "good for me." Then I fell into the most horrendous depression which was triggered by multiple events: writing my graduate capstone paper on Shadow Work; issues with my mother; anger and resentment at my family for not understanding the abuse I went through; sorrow, heartache, and grief from losing loved ones because of the baggage I carried from the abuse. It was real deep! And very unexpected. I feel there is a higher purpose for the timing of this all, as if to say, "Okay, you want to start healing stuff? Well let me show you what needs to be healed!" BAM!
There are emotions and memories coming up that I haven't felt in years. All of my life I've had a lingering sense of heartache that never seems to leave no matter what I do. Even though I've gotten myself to a place of feeling happy, that lingering heartache and doubt is still there.
I thought I made a huge leap in my own healing a few months ago when I decided to deliberately let go of any thoughts related to rejection or people judging me (issues I've had all my life). I also felt that these feelings were related to my mother somehow, who was abusive to me as a child and has been a huge emotional burden all my life. I stopped talking to her and let go of these negative thoughts and felt like I was really WITH myself for the very first time. I'd come face-to-face with who I really am as a whole and complete person! It felt like a soul retrieval in itself! However, then I became stressed out with my capstone assignment. Then I started to feel judged about my spiritual beliefs, which is a raw spot for me because it is those very beliefs that helped me to survive the depression I've experienced my entire life. Then my mom started calling me every single day! It was just too much and I crumbled back down to a broken heap.
I've been building myself back up again with the help of mindfulness techniques and with the incredible support of my husband. I have hope for the shamanic healing. I will do pretty much anything at this point to become whole and healed again! I will keep you updated.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Five Weeks of Oriental Medicine
This is my right elbow after five weeks of doing Oriental Medicine (acupuncture, herbal medicine, and tui na massage).
About a week ago I realized that I need to cut oranges (and all fruit, really) completely out of my diet. I believe the sugar in the fruit was increasing the toxicity in my system (probably feeding candida albicans).
I've made an appointment with a shamanic healer, which will be next week. It takes at least two appointments for a soul retrieval and this will be my first appointment. Good timing too, because I've got a lot of emotional stuff coming up lately: depression, anger, resentment--lots of toxic emotions from my childhood that need to be dealt with.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Right elbow: 13 days on herbal medicine with acupuncture and Tui Na twice a week.
My psoriasis seems to be going in cycles. What I haven't documented on this blog is that in the beginning of my treatment I saw results of clearing within three days of taking the herbal remedy. The psoriasis cleared significantly after a few days and then slowly came back a little bit, and is now clearing again. But I have seen this type of cycling before when changing my diet. The clearing is definitely more stable after taking the herbal drink though.
It's important to point out that I think my strict diet of no sugar, wheat, and alcohol plays a huge part in clearing my skin. I also try not to eat junk food or drink sodas, although I might drink a diet soda or eat some chips about once a week. I'm sure that drinking a green smoothie is also a huge contributor to clearing (as well as just giving me more energy!).
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