I still recall a few dreams from my toddler and early childhood years. Here, I will talk about two that indicated my subconscious awareness of my mother's sickness.
I'm not sure how old I was in this dream, perhaps about 1 - 2 1/2 years old. I was on a dining table and crawling toward my mother who sat at the other end encouraging me very positively. I got to the middle of the table when suddenly the table tilted at an angle and I felt myself beginning to slide toward the edge. I struggled to center myself on the table and looked at my mother. She laughed with amusement and did nothing to help me. I was in a panick and feared falling, still struggling to stay on the table. It did not seem to even register with my mother that I was in danger. I knew then that she would not help me and that I'd have to fend for myself.
Later, when I was about five, I had another dream about my mother. My father and I were living with my grandparents at the time, and in my dream we walked into my grandparents' bedroom together. My mother was sitting on a chair against a wall. She had no eyes and I could see into all of her orifices. There was a fire raging inside her head, which I saw as I looked into eye sockets, nostrils, mouth, and ears. There was nothing in her head except this fire. I was afraid and very disturbed.
Even as a young child with no knowledge of what mental illness or abuse even meant, I obviously knew at some level that my mother was unstable and "sick in the head." Looking back at my childhood, I now know the level of neglect and abuse she put me through, and it is no wonder that I had these disturbing dreams.
Read more about my life story here.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Reminder to Self
Listen to icaros in preparation for my trip to Peru. I have a feeling it will help with the fear, and will also help me to open up to the medicina.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
My Story: 1. My first memory
My first memory was a dream.
I was old enough to walk, but was still drinking out of a bottle. So, maybe 1 to 2 1//2 years old? I remember climbing onto the living room couch in the apartment my parents and I lived in. At some point I fell asleep.
I dreamed that I floated up to the ceiling, becoming smaller as I did so, and entered the space between our apartment and the unit above us. The space transformed into a dark cave. I could see the opening of the cave, which allowed in some light.
Two monk-like figures came from the back of the back of the cave. I think they were wearing brown robes and one was taller than the other. They were talking about some very important information having to do with my life. I don't know how I knew this because I couldn't hear what they were saying. But I knew some very important decisions had to be made about the course of my life. I could tell that it was serious.
Sensing the seriousness of the matter, especially that it concerned MY life, I went up to the monks so I could join in the discussion. I wanted to be included too! I ran up and stood in front of them. They completely ignored me as if I wasn't even there. I felt incredibly excluded and bad about this. Why wouldn't they talk to me?
I finally gave up and watched as the monks eventually walked out of the mouth of the cave into the bright light outside. I considered leaving the cave as well. I was curious to see what the world outside was like, but felt insecure about doing so. Since the cave was known, it felt safer to stay where I was than to risk getting lost in the big world that existed outside.
I woke up, went into the kitchen, and my mother got a bottle out of the refrigerator for me to drink.
Until recently, this experience has always been a mystery to me. First of all, this dream is pretty mystical for a 2 year old! How would I have known what a monk was? And perhaps even more important, how the heck does a 2 year old know to think about the seriousness of future life decisions? 2 year olds do not think about themselves in the future that way. These questions were answered about 40 years later when I went to go see a shaman. I will save what he said for another time. :)
Read more about my life story here.
I was old enough to walk, but was still drinking out of a bottle. So, maybe 1 to 2 1//2 years old? I remember climbing onto the living room couch in the apartment my parents and I lived in. At some point I fell asleep.
I dreamed that I floated up to the ceiling, becoming smaller as I did so, and entered the space between our apartment and the unit above us. The space transformed into a dark cave. I could see the opening of the cave, which allowed in some light.
Two monk-like figures came from the back of the back of the cave. I think they were wearing brown robes and one was taller than the other. They were talking about some very important information having to do with my life. I don't know how I knew this because I couldn't hear what they were saying. But I knew some very important decisions had to be made about the course of my life. I could tell that it was serious.
Sensing the seriousness of the matter, especially that it concerned MY life, I went up to the monks so I could join in the discussion. I wanted to be included too! I ran up and stood in front of them. They completely ignored me as if I wasn't even there. I felt incredibly excluded and bad about this. Why wouldn't they talk to me?
I finally gave up and watched as the monks eventually walked out of the mouth of the cave into the bright light outside. I considered leaving the cave as well. I was curious to see what the world outside was like, but felt insecure about doing so. Since the cave was known, it felt safer to stay where I was than to risk getting lost in the big world that existed outside.
I woke up, went into the kitchen, and my mother got a bottle out of the refrigerator for me to drink.
Until recently, this experience has always been a mystery to me. First of all, this dream is pretty mystical for a 2 year old! How would I have known what a monk was? And perhaps even more important, how the heck does a 2 year old know to think about the seriousness of future life decisions? 2 year olds do not think about themselves in the future that way. These questions were answered about 40 years later when I went to go see a shaman. I will save what he said for another time. :)
Read more about my life story here.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Telling my story
I've decided I'm going to tell my story on this blog, from beginning to where I am now.
I'm going to share my lowest lows, my childhood wounding, the depression, the social anxiety disorder, the unworthiness that plagued my life.
I'm also going to share how I healed all that. How serendipity brought spirituality into my life and ended up changing my world. How I found my Shadow, and began my healing path, and how I discovered that there is NO SEPARATION between spiritual and psychological healing.
Perhaps that is one of the morals to my story: That when we heal, we heal mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. IT ALL TIES IN TOGETHER.
I want to share how I scratched and clawed my way out of misery--and did so only because I KNEW there had to be a better way, there HAD to be something BETTER. (I credit this faith alone to 90% of my healing.)
I've thought about sharing my story for a long time now. I don't want to share the full details without anonymity at this time because I have family (aunts, uncles, cousins) who I am very close to that would be devastated by my childhood--at the family secrets that existed. I would rather keep my extended family happy and oblivious rather then scar them with unnecessary news.
My family has no idea this blog exists. Some of my friends do, and my good friends already know my secrets. So, this is the perfect platform to share my life.
If sharing my story helps another person then it is worth sharing. I feel whole and complete now. I'm no longer ashamed at what has happened to me. So I feel that if I can share my story then I'm almost obligated to because of the value it contains.
For so long I was trapped in shame and unworthiness. It was awful. I want to spread the word that HEALING IS POSSIBLE. Healing comes in SO MANY FORMS.
For so long I always knew it was possible for me to be happy. But for so long it seemed to always elude me, and I questioned if it would ever happen in this lifetime. No one deserves to suffer. No one. Healing is here for everyone.
Read about my story here.
I'm going to share my lowest lows, my childhood wounding, the depression, the social anxiety disorder, the unworthiness that plagued my life.
I'm also going to share how I healed all that. How serendipity brought spirituality into my life and ended up changing my world. How I found my Shadow, and began my healing path, and how I discovered that there is NO SEPARATION between spiritual and psychological healing.
Perhaps that is one of the morals to my story: That when we heal, we heal mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. IT ALL TIES IN TOGETHER.
I want to share how I scratched and clawed my way out of misery--and did so only because I KNEW there had to be a better way, there HAD to be something BETTER. (I credit this faith alone to 90% of my healing.)
I've thought about sharing my story for a long time now. I don't want to share the full details without anonymity at this time because I have family (aunts, uncles, cousins) who I am very close to that would be devastated by my childhood--at the family secrets that existed. I would rather keep my extended family happy and oblivious rather then scar them with unnecessary news.
My family has no idea this blog exists. Some of my friends do, and my good friends already know my secrets. So, this is the perfect platform to share my life.
If sharing my story helps another person then it is worth sharing. I feel whole and complete now. I'm no longer ashamed at what has happened to me. So I feel that if I can share my story then I'm almost obligated to because of the value it contains.
For so long I was trapped in shame and unworthiness. It was awful. I want to spread the word that HEALING IS POSSIBLE. Healing comes in SO MANY FORMS.
For so long I always knew it was possible for me to be happy. But for so long it seemed to always elude me, and I questioned if it would ever happen in this lifetime. No one deserves to suffer. No one. Healing is here for everyone.
Read about my story here.
Abusive parents also create spiritual abuse
Here is my theory about blocks, resistance, frustration, and anger having to do with spirituality. I feel these limitations often (but not always) stem from early childhood experiences of distrust and betrayal from our caretakers.
If you think about it, during childhood, especially during infancy and the toddler years, our parents (or caretakers) are our "gods" so to speak. I have long felt that my spiritual fears and blocks were due to the abuse and betrayal I experienced as a child.
Before the shaman healed what I called "spiritual anger" a couple weeks ago, I had an incessant need to know what was true and what wasn't. This came from a sense of distrust. My mind was also extremely angry at how needlessly complicated the spirit world seemed to be. This came from a sense of betrayal, the idea that "You are here for me in the way I need you to be!"
The shaman seemed to agree with me.
Since the healing my spiritual life has a sense of expansion and flow to it. I can still practice shamanism while also studying A Course in Miracles and Tibetan Buddhism without becoming frustrated by their differences.
During the healing I stated, "There should be a flow in being able to study different spiritual paths and teachings, not this frustration and anger!" And somehow I was able to get my wish!
If you think about it, during childhood, especially during infancy and the toddler years, our parents (or caretakers) are our "gods" so to speak. I have long felt that my spiritual fears and blocks were due to the abuse and betrayal I experienced as a child.
Before the shaman healed what I called "spiritual anger" a couple weeks ago, I had an incessant need to know what was true and what wasn't. This came from a sense of distrust. My mind was also extremely angry at how needlessly complicated the spirit world seemed to be. This came from a sense of betrayal, the idea that "You are here for me in the way I need you to be!"
The shaman seemed to agree with me.
Since the healing my spiritual life has a sense of expansion and flow to it. I can still practice shamanism while also studying A Course in Miracles and Tibetan Buddhism without becoming frustrated by their differences.
During the healing I stated, "There should be a flow in being able to study different spiritual paths and teachings, not this frustration and anger!" And somehow I was able to get my wish!
Sunday, February 15, 2015
A New Beginning
The past few days have been wonderful. I am finally free of the niggling irritation that had held onto me the last couple months. There has been no anger. Just manageable human emotions--some pleasant, some not as much, but the negative is relatively minor, never all consuming, and always temporary.
Last night I realized with some disappointment that this stage of my healing adventure is over. I was feeling a bit lost, perhaps even shame (??) at no longer having a "security blanket" to hold onto (because woundedness=attention and love in the form of being healed), as I slipped into this area of transition. I then sensed a new beginning, which provided some reassurance.
Almost exactly a year to this date, I had a conversation with a woman who ran an ayahuasca retreat for five years. I met her on my 41st birthday filled with fears, concerns, and questions. Our hour and a half conversation not only assuaged me into doing ayahuasca, but also sparked my interest in seeing the shaman. Both were necessary for my healing and spiritual growth.
I look back and see how I was guided into this mysterious, exciting, transforming adventure. At times it was terrifying. And there were moments when I wanted to die. But if that's what it took to heal, to feel the peace that I now experience, I would gladly do it again! But I digress...
This same woman came to visit me where I work the day after my 10th and "last" healing with the shaman. The synchronicity of this was wonderful! I felt like I had come full circle. I have a smile on my face as I write this.
And since this last healing, I've become interested in other spiritual teachings again. Specifically A Course in Miracles. I plan to read the full text and finally complete the lessons I had started about 15 years ago. I seem to have a new, even gentler, perspective on these teachings now. In the past, my ego would eventually see the teachings as a threat, and I always felt judged for doing it "wrong." So I would have to stop practicing after a few months. Now I realize that it was my ego self sabotaging itself.
There is no wrong! There is only love. A Course in Miracles teaches about forgiveness. In the past, I always felt so overwhelmed by everything that I had to "forgive" while doing these teachings. And I was so overwhelmed about how loving I "had" to be. But it was always only MYSELF I had to forgive! And I can be right exactly who I am and still be lovable, even if it is not some made up idea of how I'm supposed to be. How simple and loving is that? I am grateful for this realization.
I am grateful for a lot of things. Most of all, I am grateful to be at a place emotionally and spiritually where I can experience gratitude, because there were many time in my life when I simply could not.
I am forever grateful to the mysterious workings of the universe, to the compassionate spirits that exist, and to the healers who serve as humble conduits of healing love--a love that is more powerful than we we mere humans can conjure up ourselves. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this healing!
May I never lose this sense of humble gratitude. For I sense that this, somehow, is the key to a peaceful life.
Last night I realized with some disappointment that this stage of my healing adventure is over. I was feeling a bit lost, perhaps even shame (??) at no longer having a "security blanket" to hold onto (because woundedness=attention and love in the form of being healed), as I slipped into this area of transition. I then sensed a new beginning, which provided some reassurance.
Almost exactly a year to this date, I had a conversation with a woman who ran an ayahuasca retreat for five years. I met her on my 41st birthday filled with fears, concerns, and questions. Our hour and a half conversation not only assuaged me into doing ayahuasca, but also sparked my interest in seeing the shaman. Both were necessary for my healing and spiritual growth.
I look back and see how I was guided into this mysterious, exciting, transforming adventure. At times it was terrifying. And there were moments when I wanted to die. But if that's what it took to heal, to feel the peace that I now experience, I would gladly do it again! But I digress...
This same woman came to visit me where I work the day after my 10th and "last" healing with the shaman. The synchronicity of this was wonderful! I felt like I had come full circle. I have a smile on my face as I write this.
And since this last healing, I've become interested in other spiritual teachings again. Specifically A Course in Miracles. I plan to read the full text and finally complete the lessons I had started about 15 years ago. I seem to have a new, even gentler, perspective on these teachings now. In the past, my ego would eventually see the teachings as a threat, and I always felt judged for doing it "wrong." So I would have to stop practicing after a few months. Now I realize that it was my ego self sabotaging itself.
There is no wrong! There is only love. A Course in Miracles teaches about forgiveness. In the past, I always felt so overwhelmed by everything that I had to "forgive" while doing these teachings. And I was so overwhelmed about how loving I "had" to be. But it was always only MYSELF I had to forgive! And I can be right exactly who I am and still be lovable, even if it is not some made up idea of how I'm supposed to be. How simple and loving is that? I am grateful for this realization.
I am grateful for a lot of things. Most of all, I am grateful to be at a place emotionally and spiritually where I can experience gratitude, because there were many time in my life when I simply could not.
I am forever grateful to the mysterious workings of the universe, to the compassionate spirits that exist, and to the healers who serve as humble conduits of healing love--a love that is more powerful than we we mere humans can conjure up ourselves. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this healing!
May I never lose this sense of humble gratitude. For I sense that this, somehow, is the key to a peaceful life.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
10th Healing Ceremony
Today was my 10th healing ceremony. There were a couple of interesting synchronicities. First of all, both the shaman and I felt this was the last and final healing for this part of my journey. I'd finally climbed over that mountain. Secondly, we both got the same message from the spirits we journeyed with: that my life has not been screwed up because of everything that's happened to me. Everything is fine.
Because my annoyance and anger from the other day stemmed from nothing, the shaman theorized that the wounding came from before I was consciously aware. Perhaps trauma as an infant or even trauma passed down to me from my mother when I was a fetus in the womb. During his journey, however, the shaman found that neither was the case. Apparently an ancestor of mine experienced great trauma that was passed down through the generations.
Yeah, I know. Pretty hard to believe. My skeptical side was saying uh-huh, yeah right! But...I went along with it. I know the shaman believes with all of his being that this is true, so I am letting go and trusting the shaman as much as I can with this. My life did, after all, change tremendously since my healings with him began.
This time a year ago, I was miserable and depressed for no known reason.
Today, I am happier than I've been in decades. Even a bad day feel great in comparison to how I used to feel.
So, I for the next week or so I will observe how things go, keeping a watch for the irritation and anger that had been creeping up for the past couple months.
Of course, as is typical, after the healing I felt great. I stopped to get some dinner afterwards, and the sun shining in the shopping center parking lot seemed glorious. Everything looked beautiful, fresh, and new. I was reminded of when I came back from Peru--full of wonder and possibilities.
However, things took a slight turn when I went to a metaphysical shop on the way home. The vibe of people cursing (both customers and employees) turned me off, as well as the audible complaints of the cashier lamenting his childhood, his crappy parents, his complicated life... It just felt bad to be around all that. So I left.
I then went to the grocery store where I was easily annoyed by other shoppers. They were doing silly, inane things like getting in the way and making crinkly noises with the bags in the pastry aisle. So the irritable thoughts were still there, but I wasn't necessarily feeling irritated. I pretty much felt neutral. Perhaps I need a way to vent out these remaining negative thoughts. In the meantime, I'll be keeping watch....we shall see how this healing turns out.
Because my annoyance and anger from the other day stemmed from nothing, the shaman theorized that the wounding came from before I was consciously aware. Perhaps trauma as an infant or even trauma passed down to me from my mother when I was a fetus in the womb. During his journey, however, the shaman found that neither was the case. Apparently an ancestor of mine experienced great trauma that was passed down through the generations.
Yeah, I know. Pretty hard to believe. My skeptical side was saying uh-huh, yeah right! But...I went along with it. I know the shaman believes with all of his being that this is true, so I am letting go and trusting the shaman as much as I can with this. My life did, after all, change tremendously since my healings with him began.
This time a year ago, I was miserable and depressed for no known reason.
Today, I am happier than I've been in decades. Even a bad day feel great in comparison to how I used to feel.
So, I for the next week or so I will observe how things go, keeping a watch for the irritation and anger that had been creeping up for the past couple months.
Of course, as is typical, after the healing I felt great. I stopped to get some dinner afterwards, and the sun shining in the shopping center parking lot seemed glorious. Everything looked beautiful, fresh, and new. I was reminded of when I came back from Peru--full of wonder and possibilities.
However, things took a slight turn when I went to a metaphysical shop on the way home. The vibe of people cursing (both customers and employees) turned me off, as well as the audible complaints of the cashier lamenting his childhood, his crappy parents, his complicated life... It just felt bad to be around all that. So I left.
I then went to the grocery store where I was easily annoyed by other shoppers. They were doing silly, inane things like getting in the way and making crinkly noises with the bags in the pastry aisle. So the irritable thoughts were still there, but I wasn't necessarily feeling irritated. I pretty much felt neutral. Perhaps I need a way to vent out these remaining negative thoughts. In the meantime, I'll be keeping watch....we shall see how this healing turns out.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Unconscious Anger
I experienced intense anger two days after my 9th healing ceremony with the shaman, held this past Saturday. I have no idea where the anger came from. I wasn't angry because of anything in particular, but I was extremely annoyed at everything. It was intense frustration that endlessly looped onto itself, a temper tantrum at nothing. There was nothing to be angry at, which made the situation even more infuriating. My thoughts began to spiral. I hadn't experienced anything this intense this since last summer.
I figured this was some kind of release due to the healing I'd just had. I contacted the shaman, and he said that it was most likely anger from an unconscious source. He would like to track this unconscious anger, remove it, and then do a soul retrieval to replace what has been removed.
This is all so frustrating and confusing to me. 10th healing session is tomorrow. In the mean time I am trying to be mindful of my anger so that it can come up into my consciousness. This slideshare on releasing hidden anger is helpful. Also, praying a lot to Jesus and putting this into his hands. I'm at a loss and have no idea what to do. Help me, spirits!
I figured this was some kind of release due to the healing I'd just had. I contacted the shaman, and he said that it was most likely anger from an unconscious source. He would like to track this unconscious anger, remove it, and then do a soul retrieval to replace what has been removed.
This is all so frustrating and confusing to me. 10th healing session is tomorrow. In the mean time I am trying to be mindful of my anger so that it can come up into my consciousness. This slideshare on releasing hidden anger is helpful. Also, praying a lot to Jesus and putting this into his hands. I'm at a loss and have no idea what to do. Help me, spirits!
Friday, February 6, 2015
Healing is...
Since being healed*, I realize that my former way of thinking no longer exists. The difference between now and then is that I'm no longer attached to the negative thinking and beliefs that were behind the depression.
What can we do to distance ourselves from the negative thinking? That is where healing comes in.
It doesn't matter how we heal as long as the end result allows to be more connected to our true sense of wholeness, which is peaceful thinking.
*Not to imply that I am completely healed...I've still got some work to do. :)
What can we do to distance ourselves from the negative thinking? That is where healing comes in.
It doesn't matter how we heal as long as the end result allows to be more connected to our true sense of wholeness, which is peaceful thinking.
*Not to imply that I am completely healed...I've still got some work to do. :)
Thursday, February 5, 2015
What's Going On
I'm at a more level place of acceptance right now. The intense transformations I've been going through are starting to make sense.
I'm realizing more and more, that all that stuff about human consciousness rising and world ascension is true. These ideas resonated with me before, but now I am realizing the absolute truth of it. And what blows me away is that SPIRIT IS ACTUALLY BEHIND ALL OF THIS. There really are forces at work beyond our physical realm helping to create a new world, a new humankind. It is happening to our collective world right now--it HAS been happening for a while.
And now I know that it has been happening to me!
All those messages from teachers such as Eckhart Tolle and from books such as Oneness saying "get ready for a the world to change," blah blah blah. I am reading those teachings again, years later, and they resonate on a much deeper level. Something inside speaks to me and says, "YES, THIS IS IT!"
I realized the other night that Spirit is all I have ever really cared about in life! Spiritual connection has always been my first love. That is why it swept me away from my poor husband. I was seduced by the invisible realm. And now my consciousness has opened to clearer understanding of it all.
I feel so fulfilled in life these days. I spend most of my time alone, yet I never feel lonely. Aside from missing good sex, I don't even want a relationship. My apartment must be filled with compassionate spirits because the energy here always feels so warm and nice. Friends have even commented on this.
I often wonder why I have healed and transformed so quickly in my life compared to other people I know. The only difference I can tell is the lack of spiritual connection. Those who don't heal either do not make the commitment to healing themselves or they don't have a healthy spiritual life. I think these things go hand in hand when it comes to healing and transformation, but I'm not exactly sure. Suffering sucks so much. I know so well what hell suffering can be. I can only pray that those who suffer will find their way toward opening and healing their minds. What else can I do? If I knew how I could help others learn how to heal, I would do it!
I'm realizing more and more, that all that stuff about human consciousness rising and world ascension is true. These ideas resonated with me before, but now I am realizing the absolute truth of it. And what blows me away is that SPIRIT IS ACTUALLY BEHIND ALL OF THIS. There really are forces at work beyond our physical realm helping to create a new world, a new humankind. It is happening to our collective world right now--it HAS been happening for a while.
And now I know that it has been happening to me!
All those messages from teachers such as Eckhart Tolle and from books such as Oneness saying "get ready for a the world to change," blah blah blah. I am reading those teachings again, years later, and they resonate on a much deeper level. Something inside speaks to me and says, "YES, THIS IS IT!"
I realized the other night that Spirit is all I have ever really cared about in life! Spiritual connection has always been my first love. That is why it swept me away from my poor husband. I was seduced by the invisible realm. And now my consciousness has opened to clearer understanding of it all.
I feel so fulfilled in life these days. I spend most of my time alone, yet I never feel lonely. Aside from missing good sex, I don't even want a relationship. My apartment must be filled with compassionate spirits because the energy here always feels so warm and nice. Friends have even commented on this.
I often wonder why I have healed and transformed so quickly in my life compared to other people I know. The only difference I can tell is the lack of spiritual connection. Those who don't heal either do not make the commitment to healing themselves or they don't have a healthy spiritual life. I think these things go hand in hand when it comes to healing and transformation, but I'm not exactly sure. Suffering sucks so much. I know so well what hell suffering can be. I can only pray that those who suffer will find their way toward opening and healing their minds. What else can I do? If I knew how I could help others learn how to heal, I would do it!
Sunday, February 1, 2015
From Suffering to Being Present
I love this interview with Eckart Tolle. He goes into more detail about his personal life than usual.
I am particularly interested in what he has to say about how his path as a teacher evolved. It is not something he chose, but something that chose him. For many years after his awakening, his external life was the same. At some point individuals started coming to him with question. Then that evolved into small group teachings. And then he wrote a book based on what he taught...and then things went on from there.
Anita Moorjani says that one's life purpose will naturally evolve for us when we have learned to love ourselves. This is good to hear. Recently I have stopped trying to be successful at my "life purpose," which gave me a sense of value in this world--but could also fail. Relying on anything that could fail seems, to me at least, an unreliable source of inner value. What I truly value in this life that can't fail is authenticity, self love, healing, and spiritual connection, which are the most important priorities in my life. Those are now my life purpose. And if something else naturally springs forth from that then I will at least know that what I'm doing is in alignment with the greater good.
Finally, at 48:05 Eckhart talks about reaching surrender. He says, "You won't be able to surrender unless you are completely fed up with suffering." This resonates with me and how I felt before getting the shamanic healing done. I was just so done with the depression, and saw how ridiculous my suffering had been. Life wasn't adding up in any emotionally logical way anymore (if that makes sense). I truly was no longer seeing the point of life or living for myself or any living being--the constant suffering of life seemed to outweigh any advantages to living. Perhaps I needed to get to that point to have a deep understanding of the value of living a healed and whole life? (Big question mark there.)
I am particularly interested in what he has to say about how his path as a teacher evolved. It is not something he chose, but something that chose him. For many years after his awakening, his external life was the same. At some point individuals started coming to him with question. Then that evolved into small group teachings. And then he wrote a book based on what he taught...and then things went on from there.
Anita Moorjani says that one's life purpose will naturally evolve for us when we have learned to love ourselves. This is good to hear. Recently I have stopped trying to be successful at my "life purpose," which gave me a sense of value in this world--but could also fail. Relying on anything that could fail seems, to me at least, an unreliable source of inner value. What I truly value in this life that can't fail is authenticity, self love, healing, and spiritual connection, which are the most important priorities in my life. Those are now my life purpose. And if something else naturally springs forth from that then I will at least know that what I'm doing is in alignment with the greater good.
Finally, at 48:05 Eckhart talks about reaching surrender. He says, "You won't be able to surrender unless you are completely fed up with suffering." This resonates with me and how I felt before getting the shamanic healing done. I was just so done with the depression, and saw how ridiculous my suffering had been. Life wasn't adding up in any emotionally logical way anymore (if that makes sense). I truly was no longer seeing the point of life or living for myself or any living being--the constant suffering of life seemed to outweigh any advantages to living. Perhaps I needed to get to that point to have a deep understanding of the value of living a healed and whole life? (Big question mark there.)
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