Depression

The past couple days have been really difficult. After my last post I fell into a wild mood swing that made me want to just disappear from this world.

Suddenly my life felt like a complete failure. Remorse toward healing at such a relatively late age (now 42) came flooding back, and I was filled with regret at the life I had lost due to depression. So many opportunities gone. I no longer had a chance at having a family. All these years spent in pain could have been spent cultivating something I loved, such as a career or an artistic talent. Now, I felt, my life was doomed to just growing old--my body becoming more and more wrinkled and flabby and unattractive. Instead of helping others, as I always hoped to be able to do, I'd probably be destined to focus on healing until I died.

This isn't the first time I've grieved for the life I lost. But, shit! I thought I healed from that during the South work we did with the shaman last fall.

Sigh. I guess things happen in layers.

The more we heal, the more those newly healed parts of ourselves need to integrate everything. So, so-called old issues resurface again as we take on a new perspective. We move in more deeply within who we are as the subconscious gunk become conscious. As the subconscious becomes conscious, it brings with it aspects of wounding that hadn't yet been resolved. That's my theory anyway. The shaman, on the other hand, said I was experiencing an ego attack that was taking me away from my divinity and power.

I questioned my decision to be a life coach, seeing how the past year has been filled with the extreme ups and downs of healing. I haven't been able to coach on one hand. On the other hand, I haven't wanted to coach.

I also felt hopelessly trapped in a society that doesn't believe in Spirit. While I having spiritual experiences and making trips to Peru to do ayahuasca, I can't talk about it to anyone. I have to hide who I am and what I do. Otherwise, I risk not being able to survive in this society due to the taboo nature of everything.

So, do I go back to having a normal, "real" job or do I continue to follow my passion, which I'm not even sure what that is anymore. My passion is Spirit. But how does that translate into a job?

Lastly, I felt bad about my failed relationship with my husband. Did I ever really love him the way I should have? Can I even be in a real relationship?

After having one really bad shitty day of not wanting to exist, things started to pick up again. I did some reading, some journaling, and started practicing lessons from the ACIM workbook. It helped, but I fell back down into a funk.

Then tonight. I let go of everything. I stopped caring about being a life coach, needing to find my perfect job, and failing at relationships. For some reason I started focusing on the love of my father.

I felt my father's love for me during my last ayahuasca ceremoy. I feel it healed our relationship.

This love is still hard to trust, but this love said, "You are excepted for who you are. You are loved no matter what." And suddenly, all that stuff I just mentioned no longer mattered. I stopped trying. I stopped wanting to do anything anymore. I felt held as an innocent being on a healing path--and it felt good to let go and know that I was being taken care of. There was a gentleness about it. A gentle, "It's okay."

This was not a spiritual experience, but a general realization. I am loved, and it is okay to not have my dream job as a life coach or great at relationships or young and perky anymore. I am a little baby chick. I still need to grow, and that's okay. Little baby chicks are cute, innocent, and adorable. And eventually they do grow up.

Here's to trusting, accepting, and loving where we are at this moment.