I noticed while using Palo Santa that I could sense the energies of all my chakras except for the second one, my sacral chakra. I put this realization together with the back pain I've had for almost 10 years--which has gotten progressively and significantly worse since last year. I contacted the shaman and he said that connecting the back pain to second chakra issues was a good theory.
I was reminded of when I first went to see the shaman 8 months ago, because once again a large part of me was doubtful that I would get much from the healing. However, I am willing to do whatever it takes to become healed, so I was glad to take a chance.
Soon after the healing ceremony began, and once he started asking me questions about the core reasons behind my blocked chakra, I became a little nervous. I suddenly realized we were going to be venturing into dark territory: the sexual abuse of my past.
This is a topic I have not discussed in detail with him before. In fact, less than a handful of people know what happened. But I've developed enough trust over the past 8 months to open up to him. In fact, I am reminded now about one of my very first visions during my blissed out experience. My heart opened up to him, and I let him in. I sensed that he was safe and could be trusted. And I also sensed that by initiating contact with him, a sequence of events began that could not be stopped. That once these changes in me started rolling--the consequential healing effects on me and my physical life--they could not be stopped, and that we would end up working together for a very long time. But that is a story for another time...
Working with the shaman's questions, we discovered that my sexual abuse was linked with feelings of terror. Not that the sexual abuse caused the feelings of terror, but that I was often living in a situation where I felt terror when the sexual abuse occurred. I had never made this connection before. These feelings of terror and the loss of trust, the feelings of betrayal, and especially the loss of freedom to be and do what I wanted, caused by perpetrators who were supposed to love and protect me--it took away my sense of personal power in this world.
And, although I am miles from where I was just 8 eight months ago, I still have issues of feeling "hated" by people in certain situations. Quite unreasonable, I know. But we thought this might be linked to the terror I felt, especially as a child. Maybe this is something to revisit?
The healing proceeded as usual, which him holding the space while telling me to connect with and then let go of these feelings. He used his feather to clean the area while guiding me through the process using his counseling skills, asking me questions to help me connect with the core trauma. After this, he put his hand over my second chakra and instilled healing energies, telling me to focus on any sensations. It felt very warm, and I kept getting visions of bright orange colors.
Afterwards, I felt lighter and kind of out of it. I did feel like I connected better with my 2nd chakra later that night. However, I'll see how things progress. We did discuss possibly needing to journey to restore my sense of power if things do not significantly improve. I'm wondering if these feelings of terror and "self hate" need to be addressed though. Yet another layer as we dig through the wounds of my past.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Palo Santo and Florida Water
This morning I woke up feeling incredible, a stark difference from my mood yesterday. Part of the reason for this is because I am settling in from my healing the other day. But I also credit this to using Palo Santo and Florida Water.
I have been drawn to Florida Water ever since associating its smell with the healing ceremonies I experienced in the summer of 2014. I got the idea to start using it on myself toward the end of my stay in Peru. One of the shamans used to rub it on his crown chakra and belly before the ayahuasca ceremonies, which gave me the idea to rub the scented concoction on myself before the ceremonies as well. I soon found out that I was sensitive to the stuff.
During my last ceremony, the apprentice blew Florida Water on me which immediately soothed me emotionally and physically. When I got back home I ordered a case of it directly from the manufacturer. I use it regularly in baths and also before bedtime when I need an emotional pick me up.
Another item that has a huge affect on me is Palo Santo. I happened to see it at Whole Foods one day and decided to try it out, not even knowing how it was supposed to be used. I got the idea to smudge myself with it when I was going through some challenging emotions (most likely due to my separation, etc.) I then cleaned my chakras out, just because. I soon started doing this on a regular basis, as needed.
And then I started noticing something.
Every time I used the Palo Santo, I had a nice dream and woke up in a lighter mood! At first I thought it was probably coincidence, but after about a month or so I realized that the Palo Santo was definitely having a hugely positive affect.
I love, love, love Palo Santo. And Florida Water.
My mind has been weirded out by how illogical this all is. I mean, this is super new-agey stuff that I'm talking about here. The kind of thing "normal" people don't believe in, and even scoff at. I brought up this new discovery in my shamanism class and the shaman was all like whatever. What is an amazing discovery to me is nothing new to him at all.
It's normal.
What if everything we have been believing about reality is abnormal, untrue? What if believing in what we've been taught as "magic" is normal every day reality? Our minds are so stubborn, more stubborn than we realize. Sometimes my mind still gets shocked at discovering what is real about the spirit world. But I am forever grateful for being stretched open, for being able to glimpse our true spiritual nature. What a blessing and a gift.
I have been drawn to Florida Water ever since associating its smell with the healing ceremonies I experienced in the summer of 2014. I got the idea to start using it on myself toward the end of my stay in Peru. One of the shamans used to rub it on his crown chakra and belly before the ayahuasca ceremonies, which gave me the idea to rub the scented concoction on myself before the ceremonies as well. I soon found out that I was sensitive to the stuff.
During my last ceremony, the apprentice blew Florida Water on me which immediately soothed me emotionally and physically. When I got back home I ordered a case of it directly from the manufacturer. I use it regularly in baths and also before bedtime when I need an emotional pick me up.
Another item that has a huge affect on me is Palo Santo. I happened to see it at Whole Foods one day and decided to try it out, not even knowing how it was supposed to be used. I got the idea to smudge myself with it when I was going through some challenging emotions (most likely due to my separation, etc.) I then cleaned my chakras out, just because. I soon started doing this on a regular basis, as needed.
And then I started noticing something.
Every time I used the Palo Santo, I had a nice dream and woke up in a lighter mood! At first I thought it was probably coincidence, but after about a month or so I realized that the Palo Santo was definitely having a hugely positive affect.
I love, love, love Palo Santo. And Florida Water.
My mind has been weirded out by how illogical this all is. I mean, this is super new-agey stuff that I'm talking about here. The kind of thing "normal" people don't believe in, and even scoff at. I brought up this new discovery in my shamanism class and the shaman was all like whatever. What is an amazing discovery to me is nothing new to him at all.
It's normal.
What if everything we have been believing about reality is abnormal, untrue? What if believing in what we've been taught as "magic" is normal every day reality? Our minds are so stubborn, more stubborn than we realize. Sometimes my mind still gets shocked at discovering what is real about the spirit world. But I am forever grateful for being stretched open, for being able to glimpse our true spiritual nature. What a blessing and a gift.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Feeling Worse
Ugh. I forgot how healing sessions sometimes made me feel worse the next day. (Today, feeling tired, kind of depressed, pessimistic, and grumpy.) Hoping this doesn't turn into another healing/spiritual crisis like I went through last summer.
An article I found about feeling worse after energy healing: http://yogatraveltales.com/2012/03/16/energy-healing-i-dont-feel-so-good-after-the-session-why/
Just another day in the adventure.
An article I found about feeling worse after energy healing: http://yogatraveltales.com/2012/03/16/energy-healing-i-dont-feel-so-good-after-the-session-why/
Just another day in the adventure.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
8th Healing Ceremony
Relaxed, peaceful and generally chill (do people still say that word?).
That is how I feel right now. Also somewhat energized. I almost always feel great after a healing ceremony, which was just completed a half hour ago as I write this.
As a result of the healing I feel a crystal clear perceptions and appreciation for the world around me. I suppose this is because I'm more in the now, the present moment.
Today we healed some issues that came up a week or two ago, some recently triggered by work related events. These included: 1) Sadness at feeling I have nothing of value to offer this world. 2) Feeling like I offend people, or that people think I'm an asshole for screwing something up. 3) Fear of going crazy as my mind opens up and attempts to integrate deeper spiritual learning, and the effects of the plant medicines.
Removing imprints goes something like this: I lay on the floor and focus on the negative feeling to be removed, nodding when I've connected to that feeling. He usually uses a pendulum to figure out what chakra the wound is associated with. The shaman gives me a stone to hold in my left hand. He then gets behind me and starts gently rubbing points on either side of my neck. I guess he is connecting to the energy to be healed because there are a few moments of quiet before he eventually tells me to let go of the negative feeling. Then he takes a feather and "cleans" the negative energy off the chakra with a feather. He will often use my trance state as an opportunity to talk with me and create new, more positive and healthier psycho-emotional imprints. After doing all of this he did a technique to help embody me with a renewed sense of confidence. He closed the chakra when we were done.
Sometimes I feel things.
This time I felt a presence at my chakra. It felt like a small ball of energy with a bit of weight to it. I thought the shaman had put a small stone or feather there. I asked the shaman about this. He confirmed that he didn't put anything there at all.
That is how I feel right now. Also somewhat energized. I almost always feel great after a healing ceremony, which was just completed a half hour ago as I write this.
As a result of the healing I feel a crystal clear perceptions and appreciation for the world around me. I suppose this is because I'm more in the now, the present moment.
Today we healed some issues that came up a week or two ago, some recently triggered by work related events. These included: 1) Sadness at feeling I have nothing of value to offer this world. 2) Feeling like I offend people, or that people think I'm an asshole for screwing something up. 3) Fear of going crazy as my mind opens up and attempts to integrate deeper spiritual learning, and the effects of the plant medicines.
Removing imprints goes something like this: I lay on the floor and focus on the negative feeling to be removed, nodding when I've connected to that feeling. He usually uses a pendulum to figure out what chakra the wound is associated with. The shaman gives me a stone to hold in my left hand. He then gets behind me and starts gently rubbing points on either side of my neck. I guess he is connecting to the energy to be healed because there are a few moments of quiet before he eventually tells me to let go of the negative feeling. Then he takes a feather and "cleans" the negative energy off the chakra with a feather. He will often use my trance state as an opportunity to talk with me and create new, more positive and healthier psycho-emotional imprints. After doing all of this he did a technique to help embody me with a renewed sense of confidence. He closed the chakra when we were done.
Sometimes I feel things.
This time I felt a presence at my chakra. It felt like a small ball of energy with a bit of weight to it. I thought the shaman had put a small stone or feather there. I asked the shaman about this. He confirmed that he didn't put anything there at all.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Sometimes we need to feel more empowered in order to face the truth
I was talking with a good friend yesterday about facing the truth. I believe that facing the truth is required for healing. The plant medicines help us to face what we are hiding from ourselves. As far as shamanic healing ceremonies....perhaps they are a shortcut for integrating our own truth back to us.
For years I was in denial of something traumatic that had happened to me as a child. The shame was too much. I could not even write the event down. I could not bear to even let myself think about it.
Then, back in 2010, I started coaching with a woman who had a shamanic bent. I didn't believe in shamanism then, but I believed it when, a few years prior, she disclosed having very profound spiritual experiences.
During one our coaching sessions, we focused on lingering low-grade depression that I was having. There was no known reason behind it. It was just there, and it was not going away. So she suggested that I do a fire meditation in which I focused on a candle and asked the spirit of the fire to cleanse and clear my psychic body.
I was open to it. I did this meditation for about 5 minutes a day for a couple weeks. I connected strongly to the image and feeling of this fire spirit. I felt my body being cleared through as I imagined the fire burning through my limbs and veins and emotions and mind. I started to feel better and figured that the symbolism of this practice must have been powerful enough to clear something emotionally. I stopped doing the practice and thought little of it after that.
Then a few weeks later, something incredible happened. I realized that I could think about the traumatic childhood event without any shame attached to it. In my mind, I stared the event straight in the face. It was as if for the first time, I was able to really look at the event. Really look at it. It was as if the act of really facing the truth of what happened cleared any sense of shame away. Instead of hiding from the event, I now completely owned what happened.
Somehow, I had become bigger than what had happened to me. Therefore the event no longer had power over me. My self concept had shifted. I had grown. I'm not sure how this happened. Was it from the fire meditation? Perhaps it had something to do with this shift.
To sense this emotional clearing was so amazing and powerful that my mind had to catch up to the fact that I no longer felt shame. So I started writing in my journal, something along the lines of This thing happened to me but I feel don't feel bad about it anymore. And then I started writing exactly what happened to me, and this helped my mind process things even more.
After writing a few pages, I decided to email my coach and tell her. This would be my first time disclosing what had happened since the event first occurred as a child. It would another year before I was able to talk about it out loud. I told my husband and also a therapist. I didn't pursue the therapy because sessions could only be held 6 weeks apart. But eventually I was able to heal the anger by processing it on my own. But I still could not forgive.
Finally, I was able to get to a point of forgiveness and letting go through the ayahuasca ceremonies.
The point of this story is that I don't believe it is necessary to force people to talk about traumatic events in order to heal. Sometimes we just need to grow stronger to face the truth. We need to feel empowered, to know our own power, before coming face to face with the demons of our past.
For years I was in denial of something traumatic that had happened to me as a child. The shame was too much. I could not even write the event down. I could not bear to even let myself think about it.
Then, back in 2010, I started coaching with a woman who had a shamanic bent. I didn't believe in shamanism then, but I believed it when, a few years prior, she disclosed having very profound spiritual experiences.
During one our coaching sessions, we focused on lingering low-grade depression that I was having. There was no known reason behind it. It was just there, and it was not going away. So she suggested that I do a fire meditation in which I focused on a candle and asked the spirit of the fire to cleanse and clear my psychic body.
I was open to it. I did this meditation for about 5 minutes a day for a couple weeks. I connected strongly to the image and feeling of this fire spirit. I felt my body being cleared through as I imagined the fire burning through my limbs and veins and emotions and mind. I started to feel better and figured that the symbolism of this practice must have been powerful enough to clear something emotionally. I stopped doing the practice and thought little of it after that.
Then a few weeks later, something incredible happened. I realized that I could think about the traumatic childhood event without any shame attached to it. In my mind, I stared the event straight in the face. It was as if for the first time, I was able to really look at the event. Really look at it. It was as if the act of really facing the truth of what happened cleared any sense of shame away. Instead of hiding from the event, I now completely owned what happened.
Somehow, I had become bigger than what had happened to me. Therefore the event no longer had power over me. My self concept had shifted. I had grown. I'm not sure how this happened. Was it from the fire meditation? Perhaps it had something to do with this shift.
To sense this emotional clearing was so amazing and powerful that my mind had to catch up to the fact that I no longer felt shame. So I started writing in my journal, something along the lines of This thing happened to me but I feel don't feel bad about it anymore. And then I started writing exactly what happened to me, and this helped my mind process things even more.
After writing a few pages, I decided to email my coach and tell her. This would be my first time disclosing what had happened since the event first occurred as a child. It would another year before I was able to talk about it out loud. I told my husband and also a therapist. I didn't pursue the therapy because sessions could only be held 6 weeks apart. But eventually I was able to heal the anger by processing it on my own. But I still could not forgive.
Finally, I was able to get to a point of forgiveness and letting go through the ayahuasca ceremonies.
The point of this story is that I don't believe it is necessary to force people to talk about traumatic events in order to heal. Sometimes we just need to grow stronger to face the truth. We need to feel empowered, to know our own power, before coming face to face with the demons of our past.
Monday, January 12, 2015
My Life Now
It is like there is a before and after. There is a distinct break between the "before" me and the "after" me.
I feel like a leafy branch that has been broken off of a bush. Someone has grasped the branch tightly at one end and pulled their hand to the other side, stripping the branch of all its leaves in the process. I am that bare branch without it's leaves, having let go of so much. Maybe there are a few more leaves here and there yet to let go of.
Maybe I am supposed to grow new leaves? I hope so.
I feel like a leafy branch that has been broken off of a bush. Someone has grasped the branch tightly at one end and pulled their hand to the other side, stripping the branch of all its leaves in the process. I am that bare branch without it's leaves, having let go of so much. Maybe there are a few more leaves here and there yet to let go of.
Maybe I am supposed to grow new leaves? I hope so.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
The Beach Ball
I have kept a beach ball in my car since the summer of 2014, and I'll tell you why.
Back when I had the shamanic healings, after I got all blissed out, I started to fall back down again into irritable grumpiness. It gradually peaked into the most intense anger I'd ever felt in my life. The anger was unworldly, inhuman. I never imagined it was possible for anyone to experience this amount of anger, let alone me.
This was all of the repressed anger I'd been holding onto my entire life (finally coming out to be healed.) I hated everything. Life had done too much to me. I wanted everything and everyone in the world to go fuck themselves. I told Life itself to go fuck itself.
All summer long the shaman and I focused on healing this anger. One night I had a dream. I was in a restaurant and wanted to get away from patrons who were being loud and dramatic, so I went downstairs. There, I discovered a family of four sitting on a pull-out couch bed. They were a mother, a father, a boy, and a girl.
I was talking to the family, getting to know them, when I discovered two deflated beach balls for the children. I took one to blow it up. Right at the little hole where the air goes in, it said "Fuck you." It made me laugh so much! A much needed healing laugh.
I woke up and decided to go walking in the woods that day. As I was walking in the woods I looked over to a small grassy area and what did I see? A beach ball! So I took it, and that is why I have a beach ball in my car.
Back when I had the shamanic healings, after I got all blissed out, I started to fall back down again into irritable grumpiness. It gradually peaked into the most intense anger I'd ever felt in my life. The anger was unworldly, inhuman. I never imagined it was possible for anyone to experience this amount of anger, let alone me.
This was all of the repressed anger I'd been holding onto my entire life (finally coming out to be healed.) I hated everything. Life had done too much to me. I wanted everything and everyone in the world to go fuck themselves. I told Life itself to go fuck itself.
All summer long the shaman and I focused on healing this anger. One night I had a dream. I was in a restaurant and wanted to get away from patrons who were being loud and dramatic, so I went downstairs. There, I discovered a family of four sitting on a pull-out couch bed. They were a mother, a father, a boy, and a girl.
I was talking to the family, getting to know them, when I discovered two deflated beach balls for the children. I took one to blow it up. Right at the little hole where the air goes in, it said "Fuck you." It made me laugh so much! A much needed healing laugh.
I woke up and decided to go walking in the woods that day. As I was walking in the woods I looked over to a small grassy area and what did I see? A beach ball! So I took it, and that is why I have a beach ball in my car.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Dying to Live
Imagine having a life so miserable, that you would do anything to be relieved of the suffering. Even die.
I feel like I have died and was given a second chance. I may as well live my life as if I had died. My life has a new sense of focus it never had before. Nothing else matters except my own sense of peace.
Now: Imagine being given a new chance at life, but no purpose. After everything that I have been through in the past seven months, I would rather die than not have a purpose on this earth. And at this point I will gladly die to the will of the universe, whatever it may be.
Soon I will be going for my eighth shamanic healing, and possibly a ninth healing soon after that. I still have issues that need to be healed: imprints, limiting beliefs, and fears that need to be removed.
I'm not depressed like before--just very sad and sorry for myself like something vital is missing in life. The ayahuasca healing has helped me to recognize when I'm falling below my healthy emotional set point. And when that happens, I pay attention like it is the most important thing in the world.
I feel like I have died and was given a second chance. I may as well live my life as if I had died. My life has a new sense of focus it never had before. Nothing else matters except my own sense of peace.
Now: Imagine being given a new chance at life, but no purpose. After everything that I have been through in the past seven months, I would rather die than not have a purpose on this earth. And at this point I will gladly die to the will of the universe, whatever it may be.
Soon I will be going for my eighth shamanic healing, and possibly a ninth healing soon after that. I still have issues that need to be healed: imprints, limiting beliefs, and fears that need to be removed.
I'm not depressed like before--just very sad and sorry for myself like something vital is missing in life. The ayahuasca healing has helped me to recognize when I'm falling below my healthy emotional set point. And when that happens, I pay attention like it is the most important thing in the world.
New Year's Day
January 1, 2015
me comi hongos. Que era el mismo como ayahuasca. Yo aprendo de esos. Pero me mostró la verdad y la verdad es gigante. De medio. ¿sabes lo que estoy hablando? ¿Crees que voy a morir si lo veo? espero que estés bien, mucho amor y paz a usted y su familia feliz año nuevo
January 2, 2015
hola, me alegra mucho mucho de verdad, eres una mujer muy linda savez que tengo mucho amor para ti, espero poderte a ver un dia< aqui en peru mejor seria aqui en nuevo centro.
con amor para ti
me comi hongos. Que era el mismo como ayahuasca. Yo aprendo de esos. Pero me mostró la verdad y la verdad es gigante. De medio. ¿sabes lo que estoy hablando? ¿Crees que voy a morir si lo veo? espero que estés bien, mucho amor y paz a usted y su familia feliz año nuevo
January 2, 2015
hola, me alegra mucho mucho de verdad, eres una mujer muy linda savez que tengo mucho amor para ti, espero poderte a ver un dia< aqui en peru mejor seria aqui en nuevo centro.
con amor para ti
Monday, January 5, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
I don't need bliss, or your magic show
During my healing experience, I learned that even though the blissed out experiences were fun, those were not what I wanted most. What I wanted more than anything in the world was to keep the spiritual connection.
I don't care about someone's channeled messages or psychic powers, unless used for healing purposes. Please. Let there be a purpose behind the madness.
I don't need proof of magic and spirits. I already know these things exist, so I have no interest in seeing someone's extrasensory abilities.
I don't need to feel blissed out. The world doesn't need to look and feel magical to me. That happened before in my life (without drugs!) and it was amazing and beautiful and so magical. Lots of insights and connection with the divine took place. However...
I would rather feel the human shit we sometimes go through, yet know that I have a true connection with spirit, than be too blissed out to experience spirit in relationship to my humanness. And I would rather cultivate my own simple daily spiritual practices than see someone else's magic show.
In simple daily spiritual practice, I connect and put out true intentions.
In feeling my normal human emotions, I know my authentic self.
I don't care about someone's channeled messages or psychic powers, unless used for healing purposes. Please. Let there be a purpose behind the madness.
I don't need proof of magic and spirits. I already know these things exist, so I have no interest in seeing someone's extrasensory abilities.
I don't need to feel blissed out. The world doesn't need to look and feel magical to me. That happened before in my life (without drugs!) and it was amazing and beautiful and so magical. Lots of insights and connection with the divine took place. However...
I would rather feel the human shit we sometimes go through, yet know that I have a true connection with spirit, than be too blissed out to experience spirit in relationship to my humanness. And I would rather cultivate my own simple daily spiritual practices than see someone else's magic show.
In simple daily spiritual practice, I connect and put out true intentions.
In feeling my normal human emotions, I know my authentic self.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Seeing TRUTH
Last night I had an experience where I had a glimpse of TRUTH. TRUTH is not a code word for God or Love or whatever. TRUTH is simply truth without anything else there to cloud it or cover it up. It is pure love or pure anger or pure hurt. And behind all this is pure reality. Crystal clear, lucid reality.
I got the message that we should not deny Truth. We should throw ourselves into it as fully as possible. What causes suffering is denying truth.
Now I understand completely where A Course in Miracles is coming from. I'm even interested in studying it again.
I saw that this entire world is an illusion, and that everything, including our personalities, was not real. We are living in the biggest scheme of denial that ever existed. We built up an entire world with functions and duties and families and other VERY IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO--careers, success, personal development, and such--that have nothing to do with real truth. It is all just a distraction.
But we as a world can't look at this. It pains us too much. Real truth--true reality--is so intense, so difficult to truly see, that it would obliterate everything that exists in this universe. We are all living in a foggy cloud. We think we are consciously aware, but we are not. We are clouded with our thoughts. We are clouded with the distractions all around us. We are clouded with our own preconceptions and ideas, our projections and ego desires.
Seeing the TRUTH in it's pure form was so intense. I can't even begin to explain it. I felt like I would die if I went into the vision fully. My psyche was not ready to face it.
We can not know TRUTH until we become open to it. In the mean time, enjoy earth and all the things in it. From what I gather, these are things gifted from the source of truth.
I got the message that we should not deny Truth. We should throw ourselves into it as fully as possible. What causes suffering is denying truth.
Now I understand completely where A Course in Miracles is coming from. I'm even interested in studying it again.
I saw that this entire world is an illusion, and that everything, including our personalities, was not real. We are living in the biggest scheme of denial that ever existed. We built up an entire world with functions and duties and families and other VERY IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO--careers, success, personal development, and such--that have nothing to do with real truth. It is all just a distraction.
But we as a world can't look at this. It pains us too much. Real truth--true reality--is so intense, so difficult to truly see, that it would obliterate everything that exists in this universe. We are all living in a foggy cloud. We think we are consciously aware, but we are not. We are clouded with our thoughts. We are clouded with the distractions all around us. We are clouded with our own preconceptions and ideas, our projections and ego desires.
Seeing the TRUTH in it's pure form was so intense. I can't even begin to explain it. I felt like I would die if I went into the vision fully. My psyche was not ready to face it.
We can not know TRUTH until we become open to it. In the mean time, enjoy earth and all the things in it. From what I gather, these are things gifted from the source of truth.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Shedding the Past
A few weeks after being healed by the shaman back home, there became a point when I looked at what my life had been. I felt angry and devastated. 41 years of depression, of wasted opportunity. How sad that I never had a chance to experience the "best years" of my life while feeling wholeness!
If I had known inner peace and self love, my choices would have been different. I would have felt more connection with others. I would have experienced more love, more joy, more fulfillment. My life had been wasted! And being healed at mid-life felt like a kick in the gut. My life was already halfway over. Now all I had to look forward to was getting older. This filled me with anger and remorse.
It took me a good five months to finally be at peace with what my past had been. One day I suddenly realized that I could think about my past without sadness or resentment. In fact, I still felt joy. I felt appreciation for who I had been. The thought occurred to me that perhaps my past even served some kind of purpose.
Now, left without a husband at an age past the point of having kids, what was my life all about? The other day I realized that the only thing I cared about was fulfilling my life purpose. Suddenly something blossomed inside of me!
Nothing else in life mattered anymore. I was now free to focus only on this life purpose. I felt a rich sense of love and fulfillment well up inside me. It was indescribable and beautiful.
I am still at peace. Most mornings I wake up feeling joy. My life is a blessing. I am constantly reminded of this these days.
If I had known inner peace and self love, my choices would have been different. I would have felt more connection with others. I would have experienced more love, more joy, more fulfillment. My life had been wasted! And being healed at mid-life felt like a kick in the gut. My life was already halfway over. Now all I had to look forward to was getting older. This filled me with anger and remorse.
It took me a good five months to finally be at peace with what my past had been. One day I suddenly realized that I could think about my past without sadness or resentment. In fact, I still felt joy. I felt appreciation for who I had been. The thought occurred to me that perhaps my past even served some kind of purpose.
Now, left without a husband at an age past the point of having kids, what was my life all about? The other day I realized that the only thing I cared about was fulfilling my life purpose. Suddenly something blossomed inside of me!
Nothing else in life mattered anymore. I was now free to focus only on this life purpose. I felt a rich sense of love and fulfillment well up inside me. It was indescribable and beautiful.
I am still at peace. Most mornings I wake up feeling joy. My life is a blessing. I am constantly reminded of this these days.
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