Last week I detailed
my experiences with a shamanic healer, and I wanted to comment on what happened in the days following...
This past week has been very interesting. First off, I want to say that the results of the shamanic healing was very palpable and real. I've had about 40 years of experience dealing with depression and I can say that there has never been any instance where my depression just suddenly "lifted" out of the blue. Overcoming a depressive episode has always been a gradual experience, sometimes taking several months. But this time, it was immediate.
For the rest of the day following our session I felt very peaceful in both my mind and in my body. I also noticed that my thoughts and feelings did not have any negativity attached to them. To use an example from issues that I'd been dealing with, I could think about the painful loss of a close friendship, for instance, but there would be no pain attached to it. The thought would either be insightful, or loving, or at the very least simply neutral. It was as if my thoughts and feelings had been cleansed.
The day after the session, I felt myself coming down with a cold. Although I was feeling tired from being under the weather, I enjoyed the sense of love and joy that emanated from my heart center. In fact, I could still feel some kind of buzzing feeling in that area of my body throughout the next day.
I hate to sound cliche, but for the next day or two the world started to look a little bit different. I gained a sense of clarity in my perspective. Let me explain.
To use the example of the lost friendship again, I thought about my childhood best friend who hadn't initiated contact with me for years. This has always deeply pained me, although I always knew that the situation was complex. For the first time, I was able to see the situation through the eyes of love! All of the love that I'd been holding back due to the pain came flooding back again, and I couldn't help but feel intense love for this soul buddy, no matter what had happened between us! I felt an intense urge to connect with this person again, although my intuition told me that the time was not right.
This feeling of clarity extended to my memories as well. I usually have a bad memory, but old memories started coming through with greater clarity, and I also started remembering things that I had forgotten about! I remember an event when I was a small child. I was sitting on the couch of my parent's apartment, perhaps about age two or three? Suddenly my parents were fighting, and I had no idea what about. My mother was chasing my father with a clothes iron around the apartment. At one point they ran past me and my father had blood streaming down his face near his eye. I just sat on the couch, not upset, but just confused. I remember at one point observing myself in the scene from a third person perspective. I know, weird! I remember sensing this third person perspective before, but not knowing what to make of it, and eventually chalked it up to imagination. But now? I'm not so sure.
Life in general just seemed so clear.
I had moments of feeling pure connection with the essence of life. How do I even explain this? It is a feeling of openness and connection without the background rumbling in the mind of how one will get through daily life. I felt like I was perceiving the essence of life rather than the superficial values that we usually put on it. I would ponder in wonder about the intense life and potential within each seed. Trees seemed to literally be dancing in the wind.
I remembered my dreams better as well. And I had several healing dreams regarding, again, lost friendships with those I felt close to. I felt the dreams helped to clarify and resolve issues, and I now feel more closure and peace with these people.
I also had many insights and I journalled a lot. One realization I had was that my third eye was blocked due to making mortifying and traumatic discoveries due to following my intuition as a child. I am hoping this part of me will come back again so that I can fully realize my gifts, which I had always felt had been missing.
Other effects: I wanted to spend time to myself. I wanted to be out in nature. I hated being out in society. I hated having to do menial tasks at work. Also, waking up at 3am the past few nights.
Eventually, I lost this clarity, but the depression didn't come back in it's entirety. I did get a little depressed yesterday, but this is because I still have anger issues toward my abusive childhood. And I also felt those feelings of rejection and loneliness creep back up again. The shaman did say that I might "deflate" again, and if I did that it was okay. Yesterday I cried due to mourning this loss of clarity. I was saddened at having to go back to living in what now seems like a fog. I am looking forward to seeing if the soul retreival will help to being this clarity back again.
