Staying with the pain

Before I knew about shamanic healing, I bypassed emotional pain.

I didn't do this purposely. It was mostly subconscious because I didn't know there was any other way to deal with pain.

"Gotta get to work. Gotta get stuff done. Gotta keep moving."

I felt like I couldn't afford to let the pain stop me. I felt like staying with the pain would end up stopping me in my tracks, disabling me from doing anything else in life.

Now that I know that I can get a healing from the shaman, I'm not afraid of the pain. The pain comes and I let it stay a while. I sit with it for as long as it needs.

This last episode of pain has been a doozy. Seriously. Yesterday morning it was bad enough that I don't even want to mention the kind of thoughts I was having. Suffering from the theme of life purpose (or lack thereof) is not fun.

The intensity let up by early afternoon, but I wrote the shaman. I got his response this morning.

He encouraged me to use my spirit helpers. I allowed myself to sit with the pain pretty much all of this morning. I set a flower out on my altar as an offering for my spirit helpers. I prayed, and sat, and waited, and let my mind drift.

I smoked mapacho and drank palo santo tea while welcoming my spirit helpers.

I was not sure what to say or ask of them, except to please help me heal in the way I needed to be healed.

My mind felt slow and sluggish, yet open. I could not think and my mind wandered easily. At the same time I almost felt trance-like.

At one point I felt subtle feelings of lightness and sweetness. Feelings I've had before, during my mysterious spiritual experiences. I tried to discern if it was spirit. Eventually the feeling subsided. I laid on the couch and felt the pain some more.

Eventually I felt lighter. This was just 20 minutes ago or so. I am still feeling more calm as I write this.

I don't think I'm all the way clear yet. But I do feel different. A little better about life. Lighter.