Long time, no blog. Since my last post, the shit hit the shamanic fan and I was on what felt like an out of control roller coaster ride. After about 3-4 weeks of bliss and spiritual connection, it was as if spirit said, "Ok, that's enough" and dropped me into my own inner hell. A hell I never even realized existed.
I had never felt so angry in my life. I never knew it was possible for any human being to feel so much anger, let alone me. I literally hated the entire world. I hated life and wanted nothing to do with it any more. I'd been given too much to bear in this lifetime and couldn't take it any more. I wanted everything and everyone to fuck themselves (...except for babies and dogs.) :) I told Life what a useless piece of shit it was, how unfair and unnecessarily cruel it was, and that it could go fuck itself for all I cared. I spent an entire night wishing that I could just die, believing that I would have been better off if I had died when I tried committing suicide at the age of 16, and hoping for the escape of sleep to come soon. The next day I felt some relief but was still very angry.
I had no idea what was happening to me, and had no choice but to go back to the shaman for healing. He said that I had revealed a life theme, anger at Life, and on our third healing ceremony he rubbed an egg all over my body while I put my anger inside of it via prayer and intention. He then used another egg to restore harmony. Lastly, he told me to choose a spot in which to put Munay (love) back into my luminous body. I chose my heart.
The shaman gathered a small bunch of carnations, dipped them in Florida Water, and then set them on fire. He let the flames burn out, made sure the flowers were cooled off, and then rubbed them on my chest in a circular motion. He repeated the process a second time. By the third time the flowers were feeling warm and I thought I sensed energy going into my heart chakra. However, on the fourth time, I felt a palpable presence growing inside my chest, like a small, firm, fist. I wondered if it might begin to feel too intense and start to hurt. The energy built up until it finally did a pleasant mini explosion and dispersed throughout my body. At that moment I experienced joy so intense that I started to laugh involuntarily. "What are you aware of?" asked the shaman. "I don't know," I said with a smile on my face. He replied, "That's good."
After that day I thought my anger would be cured. However, I soon learned that this was just one of many healings that I would have to come back to the shaman for. I spent the rest of the summer feeling better and then slightly less worse--two steps forward, one step back--both the shaman and I working together to figure out the core source of my depression and anger. There were times when I wanted to die, times when violent thoughts toward myself invaded my mind. Eventually I wondered if this healing journey would ever end. Many times I'd lost complete connection to spirit and was just going through the motions, hoping that spirit at least heard my prayers even though I often found it impossible to create a meaningful connection.
The deeper the healing, the more recuperating I would need. One time we healed a very young source (about 4-5 years old) of anger at both of my parents for abusing and neglecting me. The next day I felt good but could barely move or do anything. It was as if I had no will or motivation to do anything inside me. The shaman said a part of my soul was being rebuilt and after about two weeks I was seeing the world with a renewed sense of wonder and beauty.
The shaman gave me Andean spiritual practices to use. Sometimes I was able to pull myself up with them....and sometimes not. Even when I was able to pull myself out of a depression, the effect was only temporary. One time in particular caught my attention though. I was depressed but willed myself to go walking in the woods to my special spot. Something in me forced me to do the spiritual practice. I convinced myself: "I'll just do the practice and then I can leave if I want." I walked to my spot, a place near the path in the woods that overlooks the river. II felt relaxed and just sat with nature, just resting. A butterfly fed on some moist soil near me and I reached over as if it would let me pick it up. Of course, it flew away and I felt a little silly. I sat straight up with my hands face up in my lap and proceeded with my shamanic practices, connecting with the sun, earth, wind, and water. Suddenly I felt something land in my hand. A butterfly! I stayed as still as possible for a long time until an insect bit me, causing me to jerk my arm and scare the butterfly away. After scratching the bite I got back into position. Soon, the butterfly landed right back into my hand again! Eventually I moved again. The butterfly flew up and then landed on my arm! Again and again, each time I moved this butterfly kept landing right back onto me.
Eventually I got up and decided to continue walking through the woods after all. I walked toward the edge of the woods and out into a meadow. As soon as I walked to the meadow I was struck by the beauty I saw and felt. I realized that my mind was not clouded anymore, but was clear. This clarity allowed me to enjoy what was right there in front of me. Peace, nature, colors, wind, joy.
Later in the day, the depression did eventually come back again. However, deep inside I knew that something special had happened. The shaman smiled when I told him about the butterfly a week later. "It was just eating the sweat off my skin," I said. Why was it so difficult for me to own what had happened? But the shaman verified it for me. "I think you raised your vibration so high that you matched that of the butterfly."
In all, I have had seven healing ceremonies with the shaman this summer.
