I noticed while using Palo Santa that I could sense the energies of all my chakras except for the second one, my sacral chakra. I put this realization together with the back pain I've had for almost 10 years--which has gotten progressively and significantly worse since last year. I contacted the shaman and he said that connecting the back pain to second chakra issues was a good theory.
I was reminded of when I first went to see the shaman 8 months ago, because once again a large part of me was doubtful that I would get much from the healing. However, I am willing to do whatever it takes to become healed, so I was glad to take a chance.
Soon after the healing ceremony began, and once he started asking me questions about the core reasons behind my blocked chakra, I became a little nervous. I suddenly realized we were going to be venturing into dark territory: the sexual abuse of my past.
This is a topic I have not discussed in detail with him before. In fact, less than a handful of people know what happened. But I've developed enough trust over the past 8 months to open up to him. In fact, I am reminded now about one of my very first visions during my blissed out experience. My heart opened up to him, and I let him in. I sensed that he was safe and could be trusted. And I also sensed that by initiating contact with him, a sequence of events began that could not be stopped. That once these changes in me started rolling--the consequential healing effects on me and my physical life--they could not be stopped, and that we would end up working together for a very long time. But that is a story for another time...
Working with the shaman's questions, we discovered that my sexual abuse was linked with feelings of terror. Not that the sexual abuse caused the feelings of terror, but that I was often living in a situation where I felt terror when the sexual abuse occurred. I had never made this connection before. These feelings of terror and the loss of trust, the feelings of betrayal, and especially the loss of freedom to be and do what I wanted, caused by perpetrators who were supposed to love and protect me--it took away my sense of personal power in this world.
And, although I am miles from where I was just 8 eight months ago, I still have issues of feeling "hated" by people in certain situations. Quite unreasonable, I know. But we thought this might be linked to the terror I felt, especially as a child. Maybe this is something to revisit?
The healing proceeded as usual, which him holding the space while telling me to connect with and then let go of these feelings. He used his feather to clean the area while guiding me through the process using his counseling skills, asking me questions to help me connect with the core trauma. After this, he put his hand over my second chakra and instilled healing energies, telling me to focus on any sensations. It felt very warm, and I kept getting visions of bright orange colors.
Afterwards, I felt lighter and kind of out of it. I did feel like I connected better with my 2nd chakra later that night. However, I'll see how things progress. We did discuss possibly needing to journey to restore my sense of power if things do not significantly improve. I'm wondering if these feelings of terror and "self hate" need to be addressed though. Yet another layer as we dig through the wounds of my past.
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