A reoccurring dream

Dressed in layers.

For the past few months I have noticed a reoccurring theme in my dreams.

I am getting dressed.

I have carefully selected the clothing I want to wear out of all of the options I have.

I put the clothing on, usually blouses layered over upon each other, but then notice the clothing was not exactly the same as what I originally selected.

I notice a slight variation in style. Or maybe the blouse ends up being too tight. Or maybe the color is completely different.

I feel pressure to hurry and get dressed, but also the need to change what I had just put on. I struggle with taking the clothes off and then putting them back on again. Things seem a bit foggy and confusing. Sometimes I decide at the last minute to just continue with what I am wearing, to make it work.

Symbolic of an identity crisis? Fitting in with my expanded spiritual state? Figuring out who I really am now that the old me has sloughed off?

All of the above.

Thoughts about death and a nature walk

Today I drove out to the country to hike and find mesa stones, called kuyas.

One of the first things I noticed during my hike were these dying reeds:

 

You can barely see them in the photo, but they are brown and dried up. Plants just go with the flow during the dying process. There's no drama, no fighting. Just acceptance and transformation into death. We humans are so resistant. We fight death as much as possible.

"Death" can include any type of transformation. Peace at it's core is complete acceptance of whatever change is occurring. Lessons from a dying plant.

Other things I came across today...a snake! Something I always take as a good sign. :)

Actually there were originally two snakes. I was about to walk through this area to access the nearby stream and then saw a beautifully coiled up snake like the one above. I went to grab my phone to take a pic and it slithered away. Disappointed, I stood there watching her, but then noticed her friend! This one did not move at all and allowed me get close enough for a few pictures.

And then later I came across this beautiful orange spotted moth:

I did get a few stones along the way, and one in particular will definitely make it into my mesa. Overall, it was a great day for hunting kuyas.

Psoriasis realization

I just realized something today...

Even though the psoriasis on my elbows came back to the condition they were in before doing ayahusca (because I'm eating trigger foods), the psoriasis behind my ears seems to still be improved!

Weird.

It's not like the psoriasis in that area is completely gone, but it is MUCH more improved even when I cheat. For example, there might be a spot of psoriasis where there used to be a whole patch.

And my navel, the other problem area, is still doing pretty good. The psoriasis is there but very mild. I've had times when my navel turned into this annoying source of constant itchiness and it hasn't gotten to that point since being back home.

And just for the record it's been four weeks now.

I think the "ayahuasca glow" has died down but I am still adjusting and re-acclimating to life. I'm not super pumped like when I first got home, but I've still got my lessons here inside me.

My spiritual crisis

I am going through a spiritual crisis. There. I finally said it.

I've realized this for a while but have not actually spoken those words to anyone.

My spiritual emergence was precipitated by the shamanic healing I had at the end of May. I realize now that the three weeks of bliss that I experienced afterwards was Spirit's way of getting my attention. The three months of hell that followed that blissful state was to clear out all the gunk in my psyche that needed to be healed, called hucha in Andean shamanism. And there was A LOT of hucha to be healed.

My interest in ayahuasca actually began about a year ago, so I'm taking this as a sign that all of this was meant to happen the way it did. I really did need the ayahuasca to get me out of the darkness that engulfed me all this summer. Even though the Andean-based shamanic healings back home were helping, seven ceremonies were still not enough to clear my depression.

I literally felt like a new person after the ayahuasca retreat. However, I came back home feeling like everything from my life didn't fit the same way as before.

Yes, there were many improvements in my mood and self-concept, and many positive insights following my ayahuasca ceremonies. However I felt detached from certain aspects of my life, including, unfortunately, my marriage to my husband. I absolutely hate that I am breaking the heart of one of most loving and caring people I have ever met. At one point I told my husband that I would almost rather die than hurt him like this.

Yet, at the same time, I can't help how I feel. It is perplexing. I spent a week in horror at what I was doing, at how ruthlessly selfish I was being. I finally realized that I needed to stop torturing myself and focus instead on self love and self acceptance.

For the past four months I have had no idea what was happening to me or where my life was going. Since coming back from the ayahuasca retreat, I've had episodes of feeling lost and confused. Many times I have felt that life is overwhelming. I've settled down a bit, but am still a little afraid at what is happening.

I don't understand it and I feel very alone.

I feel like there is nobody to go to for help because nobody truly knows what I am experiencing. And the thing I want to do most is talk about this with someone who will truly listen with understanding and empathy and not judge the experiences.

The only thing I know to do is just be where I am, and be okay with that. To not judge or shame myself (which is really hard to do) and not over think things.

And also, to do a lot of praying.

Ayahuasca helped me heal broken relationships

Back in 2010 I had several breaks in relationships, about 4 or 5 people, within a two month period and it was extremely painful for me. These were not just acquaintances, but old friends, family, and others whom I loved and wanted to be close to, but could no longer be in my life for one reason or another. Some people left of their own accord, but mostly I just couldn't take the dysfunction and stopped talking to them. It still felt like I was the one being rejected though.

I fell into a dark depression that lasted an entire year. I felt like none of these people understood the depth and severity of the pain I was in. I felt that even if they did know, they would not have cared how deeply I was hurt because they were more concerned about who was "right" or who was "wrong" in the relationship. For an entire year after losing these loved ones, I often didn't see the point of living because what is the point of being alive in this world if nobody cares about how you feel. Thankfully, I had just met my future husband during this time, and he was the one that kept me going.

Since coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I have contacted two of these people and reconciled things. One is an old friend I knew since 2006, and the other is my brother. Before taking ayahuasca I could feel a palpable block surrounding these people. I even considered contacting the old friend, and I wanted to contact my brother but didn't feel completely right about doing it for some reason. It was like there was still subconscious stuff to work through that would have caused a conflict if I contacted them too soon.

After coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I felt so open that there was very little resistance or self doubt surrounding wanting to connect with these old relationships again. Mostly, I wanted there not to be that energy of conflict in my life anymore. Or rather, maybe it is more that the energy of conflict in my life did not match up to how I felt inside. Regardless, even though these people were technically not in my life, I still felt the negative energy when thinking about these people. After coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I intuitively knew that this conflict could, and should, be fixed.

I first wrote to my brother and told him about some of my experiences, including that my deceased father came to me to apologize for the abuse I'd been through. The night before last we talked on the phone for the first time in years. The conversation lasted a little over an hour. I am so thankful that I will be able to attend his wedding later this month without the awkwardness of a strained relationship.

As for the old friend, I sent a positive message to her on Facebook explaining that I had just been on an ayahuasca retreat and felt the need to tell her that she was a good friend that she deserved happiness in her life. She was thankful for the message and wrote some positive things back, including that she had no hard feelings against me.

Today I had the urge to contact my half-sister, someone I felt very hurt by for what I perceived to be a snub. Back in 2010 she came down to the DC area to visit my brother but didn't call or make time to see me. What makes it worse is that I knew she was coming down and even asked her to call me so we could meet up. I felt extremely hurt and rejected by this. Over the years I mostly got over it, but not enough for me to want to connect again. After the ayahuasca center in Peru, I no longer feel hurt over what happened at all and even want to go visit her! So that will be three people that I'll be reconciling with.

Anyway, I feel this is all pretty miraculous. I feel like all the old crap from my life is being cleared away and it feels so good!

18 days after the ayahuasca retreat

Right elbow a little worse than previous posts from eating gluten and sugar.

Still not bad considering how bad my psoriasis used to be before the shamanic healing. And keep in mind that the P over the rest of my body is still not as bad as it used to be either--scalp, ears, inside my ears, navel, etc. If this is what will happen when I "cheat" every once in a while then I'll take it!

I'm wondering if there ever will be a final cure. Maybe I'll have to go on a strict diet with antifungals for a while or maybe I will always have a little bit of psoriasis no matter what I try? Maybe more psychedelic healing will help?

As far as mood, I have still been feeling great. Of course, I feel bad when I focus on the personal issues I've had to face since coming back from Peru, but when I focus on the good things I feel relatively good. I've felt really good about myself and a lot more confident. I'm still wondering how long this good feeling is going to last though. Will my mood drop back down again once the serotonin leaves my system? In the mean time I'm feeling tired and think I am getting sick. A few folks left the ayahuasca center in Peru with a bad cold and I'm wondering if I caught it from a new friend I met from there. Quite synchronistically, she only lives a half hour away from me and we've seen each other a couple times since getting back. Oh well, sometimes getting sick can force us to slow down and reset, and maybe that's what I need right now considering all the drastic changes that have occurred over the past four months.. Until next time...