A New Beginning

The past few days have been wonderful. I am finally free of the niggling irritation that had held onto me the last couple months. There has been no anger. Just manageable human emotions--some pleasant, some not as much, but the negative is relatively minor, never all consuming, and always temporary.

Last night I realized with some disappointment that this stage of my healing adventure is over. I was feeling a bit lost, perhaps even shame (??) at no longer having a "security blanket" to hold onto (because woundedness=attention and love in the form of being healed), as I slipped into this area of transition.  I then sensed a new beginning, which provided some reassurance. 

Almost exactly a year to this date, I had a conversation with a woman who ran an ayahuasca retreat for five years. I met her on my 41st birthday filled with fears, concerns, and questions. Our hour and a half conversation not only assuaged me into doing ayahuasca, but also sparked my interest in seeing the shaman. Both were necessary for my healing and spiritual growth.

I look back and see how I was guided into this mysterious, exciting, transforming adventure. At times it was terrifying. And there were moments when I wanted to die. But if that's what it took to heal, to feel the peace that I now experience, I would gladly do it again! But I digress...

This same woman came to visit me where I work the day after my 10th and "last" healing with the shaman. The synchronicity of this was wonderful! I felt like I had come full circle. I have a smile on my face as I write this.

And since this last healing, I've become interested in other spiritual teachings again. Specifically A Course in Miracles. I plan to read the full text and finally complete the lessons I had started about 15 years ago. I seem to have a new, even gentler, perspective on these teachings now. In the past, my ego would eventually see the teachings as a threat, and I always felt judged for doing it "wrong." So I would have to stop practicing after a few months. Now I realize that it was my ego self sabotaging itself.

There is no wrong! There is only love. A Course in Miracles teaches about forgiveness. In the past, I always felt so overwhelmed by everything that I had to "forgive" while doing these teachings. And I was so overwhelmed about how loving I "had" to be. But it was always only MYSELF I had to forgive! And I can be right exactly who I am and still be lovable, even if it is not some made up idea of how I'm supposed to be. How simple and loving is that? I am grateful for this realization.

I am grateful for a lot of things. Most of all, I am grateful to be at a place emotionally and spiritually where I can experience gratitude, because there were many time in my life when I simply could not.

I am forever grateful to the mysterious workings of the universe, to the compassionate spirits that exist, and to the healers who serve as humble conduits of healing love--a love that is more powerful than we we mere humans can conjure up ourselves. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this healing!

May I never lose this sense of humble gratitude. For I sense that this, somehow, is the key to a peaceful life.