I am going through a spiritual crisis. There. I finally said it.
I've realized this for a while but have not actually spoken those words to anyone.
My spiritual emergence was precipitated by the shamanic healing I had at the end of May. I realize now that the three weeks of bliss that I experienced afterwards was Spirit's way of getting my attention. The three months of hell that followed that blissful state was to clear out all the gunk in my psyche that needed to be healed, called hucha in Andean shamanism. And there was A LOT of hucha to be healed.
My interest in ayahuasca actually began about a year ago, so I'm taking this as a sign that all of this was meant to happen the way it did. I really did need the ayahuasca to get me out of the darkness that engulfed me all this summer. Even though the Andean-based shamanic healings back home were helping, seven ceremonies were still not enough to clear my depression.
I literally felt like a new person after the ayahuasca retreat. However, I came back home feeling like everything from my life didn't fit the same way as before.
Yes, there were many improvements in my mood and self-concept, and many positive insights following my ayahuasca ceremonies. However I felt detached from certain aspects of my life, including, unfortunately, my marriage to my husband. I absolutely hate that I am breaking the heart of one of most loving and caring people I have ever met. At one point I told my husband that I would almost rather die than hurt him like this.
Yet, at the same time, I can't help how I feel. It is perplexing. I spent a week in horror at what I was doing, at how ruthlessly selfish I was being. I finally realized that I needed to stop torturing myself and focus instead on self love and self acceptance.
For the past four months I have had no idea what was happening to me or where my life was going. Since coming back from the ayahuasca retreat, I've had episodes of feeling lost and confused. Many times I have felt that life is overwhelming. I've settled down a bit, but am still a little afraid at what is happening.
I don't understand it and I feel very alone.
I feel like there is nobody to go to for help because nobody truly knows what I am experiencing. And the thing I want to do most is talk about this with someone who will truly listen with understanding and empathy and not judge the experiences.
The only thing I know to do is just be where I am, and be okay with that. To not judge or shame myself (which is really hard to do) and not over think things.
And also, to do a lot of praying.
