It's been almost 8 weeks since I came back home from the ayahuasca retreat.
The good news is that the depression has not come back. (However my psoriasis has come back, but oh well.)
The unfortunate news is that I've been unable to connect with my husband ever since my return. I was horrified to discover this after being home the first week.
I came home feeling so light and expanded. And different. There is now a new sense of spaciousness, a new lighter part of me that I need to get to know. I can't lose it.
The ayahuasca also showed me what it is like to love and accept myself, something I never completely felt in my life. It is the most important thing in the world right now, and I need to learn to do it for myself without the crutch of a relationship.
My husband is a caring and giving person. He has been perfect to me. For a while it was hard not to feel like a wretched person.
It is such a shock because we had been getting along so well before all this. Our relationship seemed nicely tied up in a pretty little package. But of course once one issue came out, ALL our issues sprung out in a tangled mess. Our pretty package ended up being a distorted creepy Jack-in-a-box. Surprise.
My husband moved out not even two months after I got back from Peru. A mutual decision.
For a little while I felt like my life was ending.
The more I resist what is happening, the more confusing things feel. So I rest in the center of this storm, which is not really a storm if I stay calm.
If I can learn to love and accept myself even as I break the heart of a dear loved one, perhaps I have learned the lesson.
But still I can't help but ask sometimes:What the fuck is happening with my life?
