Back in 2010 I had several breaks in relationships, about 4 or 5 people, within a two month period and it was extremely painful for me. These were not just acquaintances, but old friends, family, and others whom I loved and wanted to be close to, but could no longer be in my life for one reason or another. Some people left of their own accord, but mostly I just couldn't take the dysfunction and stopped talking to them. It still felt like I was the one being rejected though.
I fell into a dark depression that lasted an entire year. I felt like none of these people understood the depth and severity of the pain I was in. I felt that even if they did know, they would not have cared how deeply I was hurt because they were more concerned about who was "right" or who was "wrong" in the relationship. For an entire year after losing these loved ones, I often didn't see the point of living because what is the point of being alive in this world if nobody cares about how you feel. Thankfully, I had just met my future husband during this time, and he was the one that kept me going.
Since coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I have contacted two of these people and reconciled things. One is an old friend I knew since 2006, and the other is my brother. Before taking ayahuasca I could feel a palpable block surrounding these people. I even considered contacting the old friend, and I wanted to contact my brother but didn't feel completely right about doing it for some reason. It was like there was still subconscious stuff to work through that would have caused a conflict if I contacted them too soon.
After coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I felt so open that there was very little resistance or self doubt surrounding wanting to connect with these old relationships again. Mostly, I wanted there not to be that energy of conflict in my life anymore. Or rather, maybe it is more that the energy of conflict in my life did not match up to how I felt inside. Regardless, even though these people were technically not in my life, I still felt the negative energy when thinking about these people. After coming back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I intuitively knew that this conflict could, and should, be fixed.
I first wrote to my brother and told him about some of my experiences, including that my deceased father came to me to apologize for the abuse I'd been through. The night before last we talked on the phone for the first time in years. The conversation lasted a little over an hour. I am so thankful that I will be able to attend his wedding later this month without the awkwardness of a strained relationship.
As for the old friend, I sent a positive message to her on Facebook explaining that I had just been on an ayahuasca retreat and felt the need to tell her that she was a good friend that she deserved happiness in her life. She was thankful for the message and wrote some positive things back, including that she had no hard feelings against me.
Today I had the urge to contact my half-sister, someone I felt very hurt by for what I perceived to be a snub. Back in 2010 she came down to the DC area to visit my brother but didn't call or make time to see me. What makes it worse is that I knew she was coming down and even asked her to call me so we could meet up. I felt extremely hurt and rejected by this. Over the years I mostly got over it, but not enough for me to want to connect again. After the ayahuasca center in Peru, I no longer feel hurt over what happened at all and even want to go visit her! So that will be three people that I'll be reconciling with.
Anyway, I feel this is all pretty miraculous. I feel like all the old crap from my life is being cleared away and it feels so good!
