Things I can do now!

At this moment, I am confidently eating and thoroughly enjoying a grilled cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread.

Sure, it might cause my psoriasis to flare a little, but I know I can still indulge in some guilty little pleasures every once in a while without super bad repercussions.  If feels so good to finally have this little bit of freedom in my diet!

Today, I also enjoyed a morning run. And I have been running almost daily for the past week, something I have not been able to do mentally or physically for years. It feels so good!

I also had enough energy to do yoga afterwards. :)

I feel confident in who I am, and I don't care much about what other people think anymore.

Life is so beautiful, limitless even. I just want to soak in it. 

Thank you to the shamans! Thank you healing spirits! Thank you ayahuasca!

2 Weeks after Last Ayahuasca Ceremony

Right elbow says, "Hi."

And that, yes, it IS feeling much better, thank you.

There are actually a couple spots that are emerging and a little thicker than before. (By the way, talking about this stuff grosses me out and is a little embarrassing, but I go on with the hopes that it will help someone else.) HOWEVER, despite those spots, my psoriasis is definitely much better than is was before going to Peru.

Let's compare, and keep in mind that understanding how diet played a role puts things in a much better context. So...

Before Shamanic Healing:

• Ate NO gluten, sugar, or alcohol at all. 
• Ate very little fruit because it was staring to make me flare, a relatively recent (and discouraging) development!
• Drank green smoothies with kale practically every single day--this helped significantly in keeping the flaring down.

Here is a picture of the same elbow Pre-Shamanic healing with a VERY STRICT DIET SUPPLEMENTED WITH GREEN SMOOTHIES:

When this picture was taken, I had been undergoing Oriental medicine for about 2 months at this point, which helped a little, so the psoriasis used to be even WORSE than this! There is a little freckle smack dab in the middle of my elbow. This freckle is what I use as an indicator. For most of the time that I have had psoriasis I could not see the freckle because it was covered over by the psoriasis.

This was taken on May 27th, the day of my first shamanic healing. This is definitely not the worst my psoriasis had been, and I know the pics aren't the best quality, but it is still a good example to use. Now let's look at how I've been able to loosen up my diet AFTER shamanic healings, both from the Andean/Multicultural tradition (wich heals using spirits) and the Shipibo tradition (which heals using plant medicine, in my case only ayahuasca, and healing songs called icaros).

After Shamanic Healing:

• "Cheating" a little here and there by eating some sugar and/or gluten. For example, a cookie one day, some toast the next day, a little chocolate the day after that, maybe have a day or two in between when I eat no sugar or gluten at all. I still won't drink alcohol, and have no desire to.
• Have NOT had any green smoothies whatsoever since leaving for Peru about 3 weeks ago. I do plan to resume drinking green smoothies 3-4 times a week though.
• Can eat fruit freely, except oranges which still seem to cause sores in the back of my mouth.

So if you look at the Before picture you can clearly see a difference between that and the After picture. I can also say that the psoriasis has improved on other areas of my body as well. So...yay. :D

P.S. I realize that taking a picture of my elbow bent vs straight does influence how bad the psoriasis looks. I will try to just take photos of my elbow a little bent from now on.

Show Me Who You Are

About a year ago, toward the end of a week-long seminar for the school I attended for my master's in transpersonal psychology, I had a very spiritual dream. In this dream, one of my instructors healed me on the back of my neck which caused my entire body to go limp and my spine to glow with an intense and warm light. By the end of the dream I was embraced with pure love and acceptance, and I sensed a compassionate yet encouraging message from the universe: "Show me who you are!"

Not being able to show others who I am has always been a huge issue in my life. After getting back from the ayahuasca center in Peru, I feel like I might finally be able to show myself. And I got the message while walking in the woods today (I get my best insights while walking in nature) that I need to be fully who I am to everyone. I need to be open and honest and show who I am--spiritual beliefs, wacky experiences, and everything else. That it will somehow teach others. But not only that, it will allow me to accept myself more.

The world can't love what it can't see. And I'm not honoring myself fully if I continue to hide myself. By being completely who I am to everyone, I become open and free, and I learn to be okay with all those exposed parts of myself. 

Ayahuasca and the ayahuasca center in Peru

At some point during my blissed out state earlier this summer, I realized a need to get away and have some time for myself. I took off the first few weeks in September, and ultimately decided go to an ayahuasca retreat in Peru, specifically [name removed].

I won't go into the details of my ceremonies now. Out of the four ceremonies I was able to participate in, three of them were excruciating. But that's just me and my experience. I don't think it is typical of most people. At any rate, I highly recommend [name removed] because of the high level of support and potential for healing there. I already want to go back again!

EDIT and UPDATE 4/01/2015: Six months after my four ayahuasca ceremonies, my depression has not come back to the level it was at before. Yes, there have been ups and downs, and even a few temporary episodes of depression that were able to be healed by the shaman back home. However, I feel the depression caused specifically by childhood abuse was healed due to a combination of the shamanic healings back home (which both healed "primed" me for ayahuasca) AND the ayahuasca ceremonies. I've kept up the healing through spiritual practice and shamanism. Many, many changes have occured, both within myself and in my outer life. Things are great and I go back to Peru in a few days.

EDIT and UPDATE 5/06/2015:  Well, things took a huge turn. After coming back from my second trip to the ayahuasca center in Peru, I've been extremely depressed. You can see my posts here, here, here, and here. After recovering from my depression, I wrote more about my thoughts on this center. While I don't feel like I lost any of the previous healing that had occurred--and in fact, I did get a lot of work done this second time around in my ayahuasca ceremonies--but, I do feel like more issues have been made conscious and reveal. And it fucking sucks. Also, my psoriasis did not improve as much this time.

As for my psoriasis, it cleared almost completely while at the retreat, but I attributed this mainly to the strict diet of no sugar, salt, fat, dairy, alcohol, red meat, etc. We mainly ate potatoes, rice, fish, occasional chicken, split peas, lentils, oatmeal, apples, bananas, and some vegetables. As soon as I was off the diet I started to eat breads and foods containing gluten, something I normally try not to do because it flares my psoriasis. I also ate a little bit of chocolate today. My elbows have gotten noticeably drier looking because of this, but it will be interesting to see if the psoriasis eventually heals further as a result of the ayahuasca ceremonies.

I know the shamanic healing from this summer caused some healing already. The healing reached it's peak during my bliss state and then the psoriasis slowly came back as my mood went back down. However, some of the healing still stuck. It's as if my body bounces back more easily from the inflammatory foods that flare the psoriasis. Will the healing from the ayahuasca center allow my body to bounce back even more? I know that ayahuasca raises serotonin levels. I'm wondering if endorphins and/or serotonin have something to do with my immune system and the psoriasis. It's as if I have to feel good in order to not have psoriasis. I don't know...something like that maybe?

Here are some pics of my elbows from today, a few days after returning from the ayahuasca center in Peru:

Right Elbow

Left Elbow

UPDATE: The psoriasis eventually came back, so ignore the two above photos. Sorry to disappoint you.

It's Been a Long, Strange Summer!

Long time, no blog. Since my last post, the shit hit the shamanic fan and I was on what felt like an out of control roller coaster ride. After about 3-4 weeks of bliss and spiritual connection, it was as if spirit said, "Ok, that's enough" and dropped me into my own inner hell. A hell I never even realized existed.

I had never felt so angry in my life. I never knew it was possible for any human being to feel so much anger, let alone me. I literally hated the entire world. I hated life and wanted nothing to do with it any more. I'd been given too much to bear in this lifetime and couldn't take it any more. I wanted everything and everyone to fuck themselves (...except for babies and dogs.) :) I told Life what a useless piece of shit it was, how unfair and unnecessarily cruel it was, and that it could go fuck itself for all I cared. I spent an entire night wishing that I could just die, believing that I would have been better off if I had died when I tried committing suicide at the age of 16, and hoping for the escape of sleep to come soon. The next day I felt some relief but was still very angry.

I had no idea what was happening to me, and had no choice but to go back to the shaman for healing. He said that I had revealed a life theme, anger at Life, and on our third healing ceremony he rubbed an egg all over my body while I put my anger inside of it via prayer and intention. He then used another egg to restore harmony. Lastly, he told me to choose a spot in which to put Munay (love) back into my luminous body. I chose my heart.

The shaman gathered a small bunch of carnations, dipped them in Florida Water, and then set them on fire. He let the flames burn out, made sure the flowers were cooled off, and then rubbed them on my chest in a circular motion. He repeated the process a second time. By the third time the flowers were feeling warm and I thought I sensed energy going into my heart chakra. However, on the fourth time, I felt a palpable presence growing inside my chest, like a small, firm, fist. I wondered if it might begin to feel too intense and start to hurt. The energy built up until it finally did a pleasant mini explosion and dispersed throughout my body. At that moment I experienced joy so intense that I started to laugh involuntarily. "What are you aware of?" asked the shaman. "I don't know," I said with a smile on my face. He replied, "That's good."

After that day I thought my anger would be cured. However, I soon learned that this was just one of many healings that I would have to come back to the shaman for. I spent the rest of the summer feeling better and then slightly less worse--two steps forward, one step back--both the shaman and I working together to figure out the core source of my depression and anger. There were times when I wanted to die, times when violent thoughts toward myself invaded my mind. Eventually I wondered if this healing journey would ever end. Many times I'd lost complete connection to spirit and was just going through the motions, hoping that spirit at least heard my prayers even though I often found it impossible to create a meaningful connection.

The deeper the healing, the more recuperating I would need. One time we healed a very young source (about 4-5 years old) of anger at both of my parents for abusing and neglecting me. The next day I felt good but could barely move or do anything. It was as if I had no will or motivation to do anything inside me. The shaman said a part of my soul was being rebuilt and after about two weeks I was seeing the world with a renewed sense of wonder and beauty.

The shaman gave me Andean spiritual practices to use. Sometimes I was able to pull myself up with them....and sometimes not. Even when I was able to pull myself out of a depression, the effect was only temporary. One time in particular caught my attention though. I was depressed but willed myself to go walking in the woods to my special spot. Something in me forced me to do the spiritual practice. I convinced myself: "I'll just do the practice and then I can leave if I want." I walked to my spot, a place near the path in the woods that overlooks the river. II felt relaxed and just sat with nature, just resting. A butterfly fed on some moist soil near me and I reached over as if it would let me pick it up. Of course, it flew away and I felt a little silly. I sat straight up with my hands face up in my lap and proceeded with my shamanic practices, connecting with the sun, earth, wind, and water. Suddenly I felt something land in my hand. A butterfly! I stayed as still as possible for a long time until an insect bit me, causing me to jerk my arm and scare the butterfly away. After scratching the bite I got back into position. Soon, the butterfly landed right back into my hand again! Eventually I moved again. The butterfly flew up and then landed on my arm! Again and again, each time I moved this butterfly kept landing right back onto me.

Eventually I got up and decided to continue walking through the woods after all. I walked toward the edge of the woods and out into a meadow. As soon as I walked to the meadow I was struck by the beauty I saw and felt. I realized that my mind was not clouded anymore, but was clear. This clarity allowed me to enjoy what was right there in front of me. Peace, nature, colors, wind, joy.

Later in the day, the depression did eventually come back again. However, deep inside I knew that something special had happened. The shaman smiled when I told him about the butterfly a week later. "It was just eating the sweat off my skin," I said. Why was it so difficult for me to own what had happened? But the shaman verified it for me. "I think you raised your vibration so high that you matched that of the butterfly."

In all, I have had seven healing ceremonies with the shaman this summer.

Soul Retrieval and Integration: A Short Overview and Update

The past nine days since my last post have been...amazing, magical, blissful, mind-blowing. I'd have to write a book to describe everything that I've experienced, and I can't believe it's only been about two and a half weeks since my first healing session. I feel like it's been two months!

I was instructed by the shaman to eat what my 2 1/2-year-old soul part wanted to eat despite any dietary restrictions I've had to follow in the past. The first thing I did was eat a cheeseburger! It was the best fricken cheeseburger I'd ever had in my life. I'd eaten a few more cheeseburgers since then and today I had pizza! Actually, I had to have the pizza because I had lost so much of my appetite that nothing else appealed to me. But now that I ate the pizza I no longer have the appetite issue!

Another thing is that my psoriasis is improving. The psoriasis in my navel is almost completely cleared, and my elbows have been clearing as well. I discontinued the Oriental medicine just before beginning the shamanic healing, and I think my elbows are more clear now than with two months of acupuncture and herbal medicine.

Here are my elbows 2 1/2 weeks after my first shamanic healing session and eight days after my first soul retrieval.

Left elbow.

Right elbow.

Shamanic Healing Experience Continued

Last week I detailed my experiences with a shamanic healer, and I wanted to comment on what happened in the days following...

This past week has been very interesting. First off, I want to say that the results of the shamanic healing was very palpable and real. I've had about 40 years of experience dealing with depression and I can say that there has never been any instance where my depression just suddenly "lifted" out of the blue. Overcoming a depressive episode has always been a gradual experience, sometimes taking several months. But this time, it was immediate.

For the rest of the day following our session I felt very peaceful in both my mind and in my body. I also noticed that my thoughts and feelings did not have any negativity attached to them. To use an example from issues that I'd been dealing with, I could think about the painful loss of a close friendship, for instance, but there would be no pain attached to it. The thought would either be insightful, or loving, or at the very least simply neutral. It was as if my thoughts and feelings had been cleansed.

The day after the session, I felt myself coming down with a cold. Although I was feeling tired from being under the weather, I enjoyed the sense of love and joy that emanated from my heart center. In fact, I could still feel some kind of buzzing feeling in that area of my body throughout the next day.

I hate to sound cliche, but for the next day or two the world started to look a little bit different. I gained a sense of clarity in my perspective. Let me explain.

To use the example of the lost friendship again, I thought about my childhood best friend who hadn't initiated contact with me for years. This has always deeply pained me, although I always knew that the situation was complex. For the first time, I was able to see the situation through the eyes of love! All of the love that I'd been holding back due to the pain came flooding back again, and I couldn't help but feel intense love for this soul buddy, no matter what had happened between us! I felt an intense urge to connect with this person again, although my intuition told me that the time was not right.

This feeling of clarity extended to my memories as well. I usually have a bad memory, but old memories started coming through with greater clarity, and I also started remembering things that I had forgotten about! I remember an event when I was a small child. I was sitting on the couch of my parent's apartment, perhaps about age two or three? Suddenly my parents were fighting, and I had no idea what about. My mother was chasing my father with a clothes iron around the apartment. At one point they ran past me and my father had blood streaming down his face near his eye. I just sat on the couch, not upset, but just confused. I remember at one point observing myself in the scene from a third person perspective. I know, weird! I remember sensing this third person perspective before, but not knowing what to make of it, and eventually chalked it up to imagination. But now? I'm not so sure.

Life in general just seemed so clear.

I had moments of feeling pure connection with the essence of life. How do I even explain this? It is a feeling of openness and connection without the background rumbling in the mind of how one will get through daily life. I felt like I was perceiving the essence of life rather than the superficial values that we usually put on it. I would ponder in wonder about the intense life and potential within each seed. Trees seemed to literally be dancing in the wind.

I remembered my dreams better as well. And I had several healing dreams regarding, again, lost friendships with those I felt close to. I felt the dreams helped to clarify and resolve issues, and I now feel more closure and peace with these people.

I also had many insights and I journalled a lot. One realization I had was that my third eye was blocked due to making mortifying and traumatic discoveries due to following my intuition as a child. I am hoping this part of me will come back again so that I can fully realize my gifts, which I had always felt had been missing.

Other effects: I wanted to spend time to myself. I wanted to be out in nature. I hated being out in society. I hated having to do menial tasks at work. Also, waking up at 3am the past few nights.

Eventually, I lost this clarity, but the depression didn't come back in it's entirety. I did get a little depressed yesterday, but this is because I still have anger issues toward my abusive childhood. And I also felt those feelings of rejection and loneliness creep back up again. The shaman did say that I might "deflate" again, and if I did that it was okay. Yesterday I cried due to mourning this loss of clarity. I was saddened at having to go back to living in what now seems like a fog. I am looking forward to seeing if the soul retreival will help to being this clarity back again.