Imagine having a life so miserable, that you would do anything to be relieved of the suffering. Even die.
I feel like I have died and was given a second chance. I may as well live my life as if I had died. My life has a new sense of focus it never had before. Nothing else matters except my own sense of peace.
Now: Imagine being given a new chance at life, but no purpose. After everything that I have been through in the past seven months, I would rather die than not have a purpose on this earth. And at this point I will gladly die to the will of the universe, whatever it may be.
Soon I will be going for my eighth shamanic healing, and possibly a ninth healing soon after that. I still have issues that need to be healed: imprints, limiting beliefs, and fears that need to be removed.
I'm not depressed like before--just very sad and sorry for myself like something vital is missing in life. The ayahuasca healing has helped me to recognize when I'm falling below my healthy emotional set point. And when that happens, I pay attention like it is the most important thing in the world.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
New Year's Day
January 1, 2015
me comi hongos. Que era el mismo como ayahuasca. Yo aprendo de esos. Pero me mostró la verdad y la verdad es gigante. De medio. ¿sabes lo que estoy hablando? ¿Crees que voy a morir si lo veo? espero que estés bien, mucho amor y paz a usted y su familia feliz año nuevo
January 2, 2015
hola, me alegra mucho mucho de verdad, eres una mujer muy linda savez que tengo mucho amor para ti, espero poderte a ver un dia< aqui en peru mejor seria aqui en nuevo centro.
con amor para ti
me comi hongos. Que era el mismo como ayahuasca. Yo aprendo de esos. Pero me mostró la verdad y la verdad es gigante. De medio. ¿sabes lo que estoy hablando? ¿Crees que voy a morir si lo veo? espero que estés bien, mucho amor y paz a usted y su familia feliz año nuevo
January 2, 2015
hola, me alegra mucho mucho de verdad, eres una mujer muy linda savez que tengo mucho amor para ti, espero poderte a ver un dia< aqui en peru mejor seria aqui en nuevo centro.
con amor para ti
Monday, January 5, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
I don't need bliss, or your magic show
During my healing experience, I learned that even though the blissed out experiences were fun, those were not what I wanted most. What I wanted more than anything in the world was to keep the spiritual connection.
I don't care about someone's channeled messages or psychic powers, unless used for healing purposes. Please. Let there be a purpose behind the madness.
I don't need proof of magic and spirits. I already know these things exist, so I have no interest in seeing someone's extrasensory abilities.
I don't need to feel blissed out. The world doesn't need to look and feel magical to me. That happened before in my life (without drugs!) and it was amazing and beautiful and so magical. Lots of insights and connection with the divine took place. However...
I would rather feel the human shit we sometimes go through, yet know that I have a true connection with spirit, than be too blissed out to experience spirit in relationship to my humanness. And I would rather cultivate my own simple daily spiritual practices than see someone else's magic show.
In simple daily spiritual practice, I connect and put out true intentions.
In feeling my normal human emotions, I know my authentic self.
I don't care about someone's channeled messages or psychic powers, unless used for healing purposes. Please. Let there be a purpose behind the madness.
I don't need proof of magic and spirits. I already know these things exist, so I have no interest in seeing someone's extrasensory abilities.
I don't need to feel blissed out. The world doesn't need to look and feel magical to me. That happened before in my life (without drugs!) and it was amazing and beautiful and so magical. Lots of insights and connection with the divine took place. However...
I would rather feel the human shit we sometimes go through, yet know that I have a true connection with spirit, than be too blissed out to experience spirit in relationship to my humanness. And I would rather cultivate my own simple daily spiritual practices than see someone else's magic show.
In simple daily spiritual practice, I connect and put out true intentions.
In feeling my normal human emotions, I know my authentic self.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Seeing TRUTH
Last night I had an experience where I had a glimpse of TRUTH. TRUTH is not a code word for God or Love or whatever. TRUTH is simply truth without anything else there to cloud it or cover it up. It is pure love or pure anger or pure hurt. And behind all this is pure reality. Crystal clear, lucid reality.
I got the message that we should not deny Truth. We should throw ourselves into it as fully as possible. What causes suffering is denying truth.
Now I understand completely where A Course in Miracles is coming from. I'm even interested in studying it again.
I saw that this entire world is an illusion, and that everything, including our personalities, was not real. We are living in the biggest scheme of denial that ever existed. We built up an entire world with functions and duties and families and other VERY IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO--careers, success, personal development, and such--that have nothing to do with real truth. It is all just a distraction.
But we as a world can't look at this. It pains us too much. Real truth--true reality--is so intense, so difficult to truly see, that it would obliterate everything that exists in this universe. We are all living in a foggy cloud. We think we are consciously aware, but we are not. We are clouded with our thoughts. We are clouded with the distractions all around us. We are clouded with our own preconceptions and ideas, our projections and ego desires.
Seeing the TRUTH in it's pure form was so intense. I can't even begin to explain it. I felt like I would die if I went into the vision fully. My psyche was not ready to face it.
We can not know TRUTH until we become open to it. In the mean time, enjoy earth and all the things in it. From what I gather, these are things gifted from the source of truth.
I got the message that we should not deny Truth. We should throw ourselves into it as fully as possible. What causes suffering is denying truth.
Now I understand completely where A Course in Miracles is coming from. I'm even interested in studying it again.
I saw that this entire world is an illusion, and that everything, including our personalities, was not real. We are living in the biggest scheme of denial that ever existed. We built up an entire world with functions and duties and families and other VERY IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO--careers, success, personal development, and such--that have nothing to do with real truth. It is all just a distraction.
But we as a world can't look at this. It pains us too much. Real truth--true reality--is so intense, so difficult to truly see, that it would obliterate everything that exists in this universe. We are all living in a foggy cloud. We think we are consciously aware, but we are not. We are clouded with our thoughts. We are clouded with the distractions all around us. We are clouded with our own preconceptions and ideas, our projections and ego desires.
Seeing the TRUTH in it's pure form was so intense. I can't even begin to explain it. I felt like I would die if I went into the vision fully. My psyche was not ready to face it.
We can not know TRUTH until we become open to it. In the mean time, enjoy earth and all the things in it. From what I gather, these are things gifted from the source of truth.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Shedding the Past
A few weeks after being healed by the shaman back home, there became a point when I looked at what my life had been. I felt angry and devastated. 41 years of depression, of wasted opportunity. How sad that I never had a chance to experience the "best years" of my life while feeling wholeness!
If I had known inner peace and self love, my choices would have been different. I would have felt more connection with others. I would have experienced more love, more joy, more fulfillment. My life had been wasted! And being healed at mid-life felt like a kick in the gut. My life was already halfway over. Now all I had to look forward to was getting older. This filled me with anger and remorse.
It took me a good five months to finally be at peace with what my past had been. One day I suddenly realized that I could think about my past without sadness or resentment. In fact, I still felt joy. I felt appreciation for who I had been. The thought occurred to me that perhaps my past even served some kind of purpose.
Now, left without a husband at an age past the point of having kids, what was my life all about? The other day I realized that the only thing I cared about was fulfilling my life purpose. Suddenly something blossomed inside of me!
Nothing else in life mattered anymore. I was now free to focus only on this life purpose. I felt a rich sense of love and fulfillment well up inside me. It was indescribable and beautiful.
I am still at peace. Most mornings I wake up feeling joy. My life is a blessing. I am constantly reminded of this these days.
If I had known inner peace and self love, my choices would have been different. I would have felt more connection with others. I would have experienced more love, more joy, more fulfillment. My life had been wasted! And being healed at mid-life felt like a kick in the gut. My life was already halfway over. Now all I had to look forward to was getting older. This filled me with anger and remorse.
It took me a good five months to finally be at peace with what my past had been. One day I suddenly realized that I could think about my past without sadness or resentment. In fact, I still felt joy. I felt appreciation for who I had been. The thought occurred to me that perhaps my past even served some kind of purpose.
Now, left without a husband at an age past the point of having kids, what was my life all about? The other day I realized that the only thing I cared about was fulfilling my life purpose. Suddenly something blossomed inside of me!
Nothing else in life mattered anymore. I was now free to focus only on this life purpose. I felt a rich sense of love and fulfillment well up inside me. It was indescribable and beautiful.
I am still at peace. Most mornings I wake up feeling joy. My life is a blessing. I am constantly reminded of this these days.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
The Problem with "Disbelieving Thoughts"
I totally get where Byron Katie and Jeff Foster are coming from. Yeah, I agree our thoughts can be little pieces of shit sometimes, causing us to feel bad or even depressed.
Byron Katie tells us to question our thoughts and that it will make us feel better. Jeff Foster tells us to be okay with where we are. I've taken both approaches and have found them to be helpful during certain times in my life. But it was never a lasting improvement. They offer just one approach out of many approaches. And that is the problem.
If someone is feeling like absolute shit, there is not always a thought that can be attributed to that feeling. If someone is having uncontrollable thoughts of suicide, then being in the now is not going to solve things.
I believe that our psyches are more than just our thoughts. If there has been trauma, like my experience with childhood abuse and neglect, it can be lodged so deeply within our psyches that it will pull us down no matter what we do until it is healed. I believe there there is a connection between our minds and the energy fields of our bodies. How else would that explain how great I felt psychologically after getting energy healings? How else could I have felt more "solid" and fantastic as a person after getting soul retrievals?
I am wondering the extent of help people with PTSD have gotten from teachers like Byron Katie and Jeff Foster. Don't get me wrong, I think they are great teachers and help a lot of people--but only CERTAIN people with certain problems. How many people have been following these "thought" teachers who are still suffering. I wonder the same about followers of Anita Moorjani, someone else I deeply admire who teaches that we only need to learn to love ourselves, that we only need to know our own magnificence.
PTSD and trauma pulls us down to the point that we can't feel that kind of love, peace or inner magnificence. So how are we supposed to know this if we cant feel it? I believe there literally are holes in the psyches of traumatized people. We need to fill in those wholes with soul retrievals. THEN we can learn to disbelieve our thoughts.
P.S. Noah Ekrief says that "When you are able to see thoughts clearly, all of your suffering goes. Only peace remains." I believe it. However, can you imagine how long it would take to get through all the garbage of repressed trauma and PTSD to get to that point of clarity and piece. Shamanism offers a shortcut. Let's give that some credit too.
Byron Katie tells us to question our thoughts and that it will make us feel better. Jeff Foster tells us to be okay with where we are. I've taken both approaches and have found them to be helpful during certain times in my life. But it was never a lasting improvement. They offer just one approach out of many approaches. And that is the problem.
If someone is feeling like absolute shit, there is not always a thought that can be attributed to that feeling. If someone is having uncontrollable thoughts of suicide, then being in the now is not going to solve things.
I believe that our psyches are more than just our thoughts. If there has been trauma, like my experience with childhood abuse and neglect, it can be lodged so deeply within our psyches that it will pull us down no matter what we do until it is healed. I believe there there is a connection between our minds and the energy fields of our bodies. How else would that explain how great I felt psychologically after getting energy healings? How else could I have felt more "solid" and fantastic as a person after getting soul retrievals?
I am wondering the extent of help people with PTSD have gotten from teachers like Byron Katie and Jeff Foster. Don't get me wrong, I think they are great teachers and help a lot of people--but only CERTAIN people with certain problems. How many people have been following these "thought" teachers who are still suffering. I wonder the same about followers of Anita Moorjani, someone else I deeply admire who teaches that we only need to learn to love ourselves, that we only need to know our own magnificence.
PTSD and trauma pulls us down to the point that we can't feel that kind of love, peace or inner magnificence. So how are we supposed to know this if we cant feel it? I believe there literally are holes in the psyches of traumatized people. We need to fill in those wholes with soul retrievals. THEN we can learn to disbelieve our thoughts.
P.S. Noah Ekrief says that "When you are able to see thoughts clearly, all of your suffering goes. Only peace remains." I believe it. However, can you imagine how long it would take to get through all the garbage of repressed trauma and PTSD to get to that point of clarity and piece. Shamanism offers a shortcut. Let's give that some credit too.
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