A few weeks after being healed by the shaman back home, there became a point when I looked at what my life had been. I felt angry and devastated. 41 years of depression, of wasted opportunity. How sad that I never had a chance to experience the "best years" of my life while feeling wholeness!
If I had known inner peace and self love, my choices would have been different. I would have felt more connection with others. I would have experienced more love, more joy, more fulfillment. My life had been wasted! And being healed at mid-life felt like a kick in the gut. My life was already halfway over. Now all I had to look forward to was getting older. This filled me with anger and remorse.
It took me a good five months to finally be at peace with what my past had been. One day I suddenly realized that I could think about my past without sadness or resentment. In fact, I still felt joy. I felt appreciation for who I had been. The thought occurred to me that perhaps my past even served some kind of purpose.
Now, left without a husband at an age past the point of having kids, what was my life all about? The other day I realized that the only thing I cared about was fulfilling my life purpose. Suddenly something blossomed inside of me!
Nothing else in life mattered anymore. I was now free to focus only on this life purpose. I felt a rich sense of love and fulfillment well up inside me. It was indescribable and beautiful.
I am still at peace. Most mornings I wake up feeling joy. My life is a blessing. I am constantly reminded of this these days.
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