Post-Ayahuasca Maintenance

Some people wonder how to maintain the lightness and extraordinary sense of well-being after doing ayahuasca. Well, I don't think it's possible to stay that light forever. We eventually do become grounded again.

We can integrate our lessons, and the method of doing so depends on the person. I'll describe my own process.

It's been three months since coming back from Peru. There have been ups and downs, but so far I have been able to come back up again to a feeling good set-point. It is NOT the same feeling I came home with. The first two months, I felt very expanded and like life was limitless. I still had enough of my head on my shoulders to be reasonable, thankfully.

As soon as I got home I intuitively knew I had to focus on self love and self acceptance. Ayahuasca showed me how to feel pure love and acceptance toward myself, but it was up to me to learn how to do it for myself. I did whatever actions I needed to do to express this love to myself.  And I made sure that my thoughts toward myself remained loving. I knew that this was the most important thing in the world.

I also pray. A lot.

It so happened that I started a beginners class in shamanism the week after I got back home. In this class we participate in several healing rituals and receive the Munay Ki. On top of this, I listen to Christina Pratt's podcast Why Shamanism Now?. My spiritual faith has grown significantly and I integrate certain practices into my daily life to build that connection. Prayer, reflection, daily rituals, communing with nature when possible, sometimes meditation...but mostly prayer.

When I'm feeling down or off balance, I use Florida Water and palo santo. I am sensitive to this stuff! (I tried to get mapacho tobacco but I could only find one vendor and it's so expensive.) I already knew Florida Water calmed me before going to Peru. I started falling in love with its scent after associating it with shamanic healings in the US. I used to put it all over me before the ayahuasca ceremonies. Then, during one particularly difficult ceremony in Peru, someone sprayed it on me. Feeling the vaporous sent around me was like being embraced by love and kindness. It also immediately cleared out whatever negativity I was going through.

Back home, I take baths with Florida Water. Sometimes before bed, I put it on my power center, heart, and third eye. Then, with my body under the blankets, I spray it over myself before sleeping.

Sometimes I burn palo santo and smudge myself with it, circling it around my body. Then I circle it over all of my chakras. The clearing effect is palpable.

I light candles. I also burn incense, which brings me connection (to myself, to spirit, to the present) and relaxes me.

I try to stay with whatever I'm feeling, whether it be anger or sadness or heartache or whatever. But I also make sure my thoughts are not being carried away to the point that they bring me down. I reframe my thoughts when possible. There is a balance there between staying with how you feel and changing how you think. You don't want to do one to the point that it overpowers or takes away from the other. Feeling is important because you need to feel suppressed emotions before being able to let them go. Thinking is important because we want to make sure our thoughts are healthy.

Other than that, listening to my heart, listening to my intuition, and regularly connecting with healthy, like-minded friends. Focusing on doing what I love...

Yup. That's about it.

UPDATE: I've also discovered that mindfulness is crucial to taking me back to that clear-headed feeling space. This clarity is essential to feeling the inner peace and joy that I felt after doing the ayahuasca ceremonies. It seems that once I am clear of the all those thoughts clouding my perspective, I am able to more easily introduce more positive thoughts and ideas such as self love, etc. I've also discovered that mindfulness takes me back to what needs to be taken care of in the here and now rather than sitting with ruminating thoughts and feelings. Without ruminating thoughts and feelings, we feel clear, and when we feel clear we want our outer world to reflect how we feel inside, and when we want our outer world to reflect how we feel inside we take right action!

Dear World

Dear World,

How is it possible for me to have the most amazing healing experience of my life: something that I never could have imagined possible; something that literally saved my life and completely transformed me; something that could help YOU too if you only opened you mind, heart, and spirit up to it--and yet some people think nothing of it or even get offended by my story?

Well, F you guys too.

Love,
Me

Update for posterity

It's been almost 3 months since my last ayahuasca ceremony.

Life has had it's ups and downs but I've always managed to bounce back again. The night before last I swore I was getting depressed again. I felt that same familiar sinking feeling and thought oh great, guess I'm back to this again. But then today, I was back to feeling good again. This bouncing back stuff was never normal for me in the past--I pretty much stayed stagnant or sunk even lower.

Today I was glad to see that life still has a certain subtle "crispness" and clarity to it, something I strongly sensed after coming home from Peru. Comparing to how I used to feel, I'm now certain I was depressed, in varying degrees, at least 90% of the time literally "clouding" how I saw life. The sense of peace and ability to find joy in the present moment was always fleeting in the past, as if only reserved for special happy occasions.

I'm still vigilant, keeping watch on my emotions, thoughts, and general feelings. I'm not new to self help work, shadow work, and spirituality, so I have a good bunch of resources to fall back on. In addition, my spiritual life has deepened significantly, not necessarily because of ayahuasca. But I would say that being cleansed emotionally makes it a lot easier to connect with spirit. And connecting to spirit makes it a lot easier to draw on my inner strength and inner sense of peace. So I'm sure my practices have a lot to do with maintaining the healing.

Changes across the spectrum

On Thursday before my shamanism class, I realized that I no longer felt resentment about my past. I no longer had thoughts of my life "pre-healing" having been a waste. I even had a fleeting glimpse of my past serving some kind of purpose. This felt very empowering. And miraculous.

Fast forward a few days. Last night I started to feel depressed for no reason. Oh great, I thought. Here comes the inevitable depression again. But then it wasn't so bad this morning. But not great either.

Later this afternoon I got an email from my husband. Our plan was to take a break for two weeks and then have a discussion about our relationship. This was one month ago. I thought he was finally going to initiate a conversation. It turns out he wants a divorce.

No conversation. No discussion. Nothing.

I may have lost my marriage, but I guess I'd rather choose that than uncontrollable thoughts about killing myself. This is the perspective I try to have.

But I still feel like shit.

Gifts of the Heart

I am a true believer that the heart can be our most powerful healer. That when we focus on what we love, somehow that love gets reflected back to us.  We can follow what is in our hearts—be it a tiny glint or a deep longing—and be led to experiences that expand our lives and heal us in ways we didn’t realize could be possible.

It seems my entire life has been a lesson in following my heart. Learning to listen was relatively easy. Learning to trust has been even more difficult. But actually following through is where the real test has been. And the tests have been getting more and more challenging as the decades go by.

In 2012 I began to realize that something in me craved a deeper, more heart-centered livelihood and way of life. I wasn’t even sure what this way of life was supposed to be; I just knew things needed to be different.

I had been working as a librarian for the past five years and had finally gotten to a place of feeling secure with my career. In fact, following my heart had led me to work at this branch in the first place.  

While there were many aspects of librarianship that I enjoyed, it wasn’t in complete alignment with who I wanted to be. While weighing my options, I asked myself, “If there was one thing I could do before I died, something that reflected my one true passion in life, what would it be?” That is how I decided to get a master’s degree in transpersonal psychology and become a transformational life coach.

The idea seemed insane. I was terrified of telling people about it. I didn’t want to be judged. I was afraid people would think I wasn’t good enough.

The truth is, I was still unhappy with many aspects of my life. Who was I to help others create the life of their dreams when I hadn’t even gotten my own shit together? But something kept telling me that I would be ready when the time came.

And so I went against all logic and trusted in that unnamable something.

Following my heart in this situation led to some of the most terrifying decisions I ever made in my life. I quit my job--giving up the security of my full-time career--and moved to another state. At times it felt like I was facing death. I got panic attacks.

However, I knew that leaving my job and moving to another area was my only chance to know the truth of who I am. More than anything else in the world, I had to know what it was like to live a life aligned with my own authenticity.

Two years later, I can tell you that the risk has been worth everything.

The education I received was valuable. But the true heart-centered value of this decision is in the unexpected healing and growth that resulted.

Following my heart’s desires to pursue my passion led to other events and decisions that changed my life. For example, I listened to stories of spiritual experiences from my new like-minded friends, which in turn opened me up to what can be possible in life. Through my experiential studies, I had eye-opening experiences and gained an expanded view of the world. The culmination of all these experiences opened me up in ways that were emotionally healing and spiritually transforming.

Today, I am more fulfilled than I’ve ever been in my life. Not because I accomplished my initial goal of getting a master’s in transpersonal psychology, but because of the gifts that came with the journey. I have more friends than I have ever had in my life before. I am more at peace with myself and with the world around me. I am able to experience more beauty, joy, and appreciation. I am able to more confidently be who I am and speak my truth.

All of this manifested not because of one decision in particular, but because I allowed myself to be guided by the underlying intentions of my desires.

I believe that often times, we experience events in our lives because of the underlying gift it brings. I set out to get a degree and change careers. However, maybe the real reason for the experience was to obtain healing and wholeness.

We are endless chapters of growth. Our stories never end. It is beautiful, how the unexpected twists and turns transform us into something larger than we were ever able to imagine.

But we must follow our heart in order to allow this to unfold. The heart knows.

If we continue to live life according to what’s “right,” what “should” be done, or what is expected, we miss clandestine opportunities. Our heart holds the secret to opening up these hidden treasures. If we don’t follow our heart, we will never know the full potential of what our life could have become. We will never have the opportunity to know who we really are.

My Weird Life

It's been two weeks since my husband moved out. I feel bad for my husband but am enjoying the solitude. The first thing I did was rearrange and clean the heck out of my apartment. It feels good to have my own space.

I'm still wrapping my head over what has happened. Besides my part-time job, I keep myself busy with spiritual practices, quiet contemplation, connection with friends, and my budding life coaching practice.

I think back over everything that has happened this summer--the shamanic healings, the crazy experiences that followed, the final BIG healing at the ayahuasca center in Peru, and then feeling so different after coming back and needing to be free of a relationship. I wonder if it is truly over.

I've come more to terms over what my life has been. But a part of me also feels ready to slip out of this world. On the one hand, I now know what it's like to experience this world's beauty and to feel the bliss of loving myself. But on the other hand, I know this world isn't the real thing, and how harsh it has been to me, and just want to connect with spirit.

I'm in some kind of limbo state--figuring out who I am and where my life is going. I have little to grasp onto. Who I was in my past life is gone. Who I am in my future is unknown. All I can do is be here in the moment.

Communing in Clarity with Nature

Today I had a little moment of awe and wonder. It only lasted a second, but it was beautiful.

I go to the woods regularly for exercise and spiritual practice. Today I was already feeling pretty good when I went to my spot to visit some healing stones I'd put there earlier this week. I sat in my area and instead of doing any spiritual practice simply sat with nature.

I looked at all the trees, water, earth, felt the wind, and heard the rustle of autumn leaves. I just soaked everything in, and it seemed to soak me in as well. A mutual experience of looking and being with each other.

I then practiced connecting with the elements, which always provides me with an inner sense of power.

Getting up from my practice, I felt clear and open. I walked through the woods, seeing the trees and rocks and stuff not just as "things" but as vividly present and "alive". I stopped at a certain point, and felt for just a second a state of pure being with nature.

Within that short moment I felt such appreciation and wonder for all of it. I don't even know if "appreciation and wonder" are adequate words to describe what I experienced.

Then I heard people in the distance and it broke my concentration.

Beautiful things are happening. :)

Thank you spirits. Thank you elements. Thank you trees, rocks, wind, water, inti, pachamama and all of nature.