What heals us?

There is an idea that only we can heal ourselves. I think that is a true but incomplete statement.

What does it really take to heal?

I don't think that we ever truly heal by our own selves. We read books, talk to therapists, use plant, medicines, go to healers. Sometimes we are healed by grace.

So, is healing a partnership then?

What is healing anyway?

We need to learn what healing is and how to do it. We need to be ready for healing. And then we need to actually take action. We need to make changes within ourselves and out.

But here is a strange thing I realized during my healing journey. We first need to be ready to face what needs to be faced. In other words, there is a prerequisite that our psyches be strong enough for healing in the first place.

For most of my life, I was held down by the shame of childhood sexual abuse. Its suffocating weight prevented me from being able to acknowledge what happened, let alone say it out loud to anyone else. Therefore, I never went to therapy for this issue. Doing so would have been traumatizing because I was not ready to face or talk about it.

Then, in 2012, I started using a life coach who made me feel validated, whole, and empowered. We coached on and off for several months, when one day, out of nowhere, I started to realize that I could look face the abuse squarely in the eye. I no longer felt held down by it. I no longer felt ashamed.

This seemed like a miracle to me! Somehow, through the healing power of being seen by my life coach, I had become larger than my abuse. My childhood abuse was not a topic of discussion for us; it had never come up during our sessions.

It was only after feeling more empowered as a person that I was able to face my childhood abuse and then heal from it. It was only then that I started to talk about it with people.

I believe that there are many layered and multifaceted aspects to healing. I see the body as a metaphor for emotional, mental, and spiritual healing. If one organ in the body is not functioning, then many other aspects of our health will suffer as well. Likewise, if there is one major component of our psyche lacking, then it will affect the healing of other aspects of ourselves.

Another example is the degree of wounding being dealt with. If someone has cut their finger, they can clean it and put a bandage on it. Maybe we could even learn to give ourselves stitches. In either case, we create the best circumstances available for the body to heal itself. However, if we've been shot in the stomach, we'll need the aid of an expert doctor. The doctor doesn't heal us, but does put us back together again in a way that we will survive. Without the doctor, our body would not be able to heal itself and we may die.

Yes, we need to take responsibility for our healing as much as possible. We make the choices and decisions and intentions for our lives. But there are many circumstances when we need to look outside of ourselves for healing. Healing has come in many forms, has lifted me up in ways that I could not have done myself: healers, spirits, soul retrievals, friends, nature, books, shamanic journeys... And, maybe I'm wrong, but this tells me that that there is no such thing as simply healing ourselves. We need help. That outside help is part of our healing. I believe there are many components to the blueprint that makes up the psyche's healing potential, both inside and out.

I may never go to Peru to do ayahuasca again

Edit: At the time of writing this, about 10 years ago, I did not know then what I know now about the spiritual world and spirit attachments. I originally attributed the depression experienced after an ayahuasca ceremony to some sort of "ego death," a term usually used by the spiritual community for depression with no known cause. Since then, I've learned about the reality of earth-bound spirits, a very real and pervasive phenomena in our world today. Nor did I know anything about spiritual hygeine. I strongly believe I experienced a spirit attachment during this ayahuasca ceremony, caused by lack of spiritual hygiene. Spirit attachments can cause depression, suicidal thoughts and feelings, and changes in personality, just to name a few things. If you are experiencing these symptoms (even if it's not due to an ayahuasca ceremony) I strongly recommend a spiritual healing. Go to www.sacredconnectionhealing.net for more information. God bless. 

[Note: I have removed the name of the Peruvian ayahausca center from all the posts in my blog.]

When I went to Peru for the first time last year, I was so grateful for the healing affects of ayahuasca. The medicine cleared my depression out and I came back home feeling great for a good six months.

After my second trip to Peru in April 2015, I was still grateful, but left with a feeling that something was amiss. Although I had some beautiful experiences, came away with significant insights, and healed my relationship with my father, I also had some negative experiences.

For one thing, during my second week there, I was "attacked" by a negative energy after a ceremony. The ceremony itself was one of the most frustrating ayahuasca experiences I'd ever had. For the entire night, I was in a state of feeling tired, mentally groggy, and unfocused. I almost felt like I could have fallen asleep, and struggled the entire night to open up to the medicine--which never happened. Finally I was sung to by one of the shamans, and I could feel the song clearing out my energy body. I went back to my mat and was relieved to feel much better, much clearer.

Then, the ceremony ended.

The head shaman closed the ceremony, and within a few moments I started feeling terrible. The energy in my body felt like it was crinkling up upon itself with a heaviness I can't explain. I suddenly hated being in the maloka, hated being with all these people around me. Every cell in my body despised being at the retreat center. If there was a way to leave the jungle and go back to Iquitos, I would have gone in a split second.

I curled up on my mat in a tight fetal position and pulled the blanket over my entire body, including my head. I just wanted to be holed up in a cave, or maybe buried under the ground, anywhere but here. After a while I sat up with my head between my knees. One of the retreat facilitators was asking people how they were doing from across the maloka.

He called my name and asked, "How are you doing?"

I said, "I'm not doing so good right now." And that was the end of the conversation.

There was no indication of concern and no one offered to help.

Finally, we all drifted off to sleep. The next morning I was surprised to find myself alone in the maloka, the last person to wake up. Usually I was the first to awake, long before the sun came up. Now, it was daylight and breakfast was already underway.

I still felt like shit, like I couldn't stand to be around the energy of anyone else. I knew there was no way I'd be able to stand being in the maloka around so many people for our circle talk. However, after eating and settling in for the morning, some of the darkness had lifted enough for me to make it to the sharing circle.

When it was my turn to talk I explained everything that happened. The head shaman said that I was attacked by a negative energy and that I'd feel better by the next day. While people were still sharing their experiences, I gathered my things and left the maloka. I went back to my tambo and felt strongly compelled to write the following on a piece paper: Sometimes a person just needs some fucking compassion! I then cried for a good two hours straight.

In a way, the shaman was right. I did feel better after "crying it out" that day. However, I spent the rest of my time at the center feeling generally weepy and at times crying for no apparent reason. The facilitators and helpers are there to talk, for the most part. But there is no real support for anyone going through a really hard time. Guests are lucky if they find other retreat goers to connect with to get the support they need. On the last day there, I sat on the retreat porch crying while waiting for our boat to arrive. I just felt incredibly sad and I didn't really know why.

The retreat facilitator offered to meet with me for dinner that night in Iquitos with some other people. This helped me feel less alone, although the night felt a little awkward since only a couple people in our group spoke english.

My first week back home I was incredibly sick with a bad cold. I could barely get out of bed. Then I became incredibly depressed. I realized that nothing in my life was working out, that nothing in my life ever worked out. Everything that I did, everything I strived for, was for naught. Life became meaningless. There was nothing to live for. I was a failure at everything. My life was worthless. I wanted to die, and in my prayers I begged the spirits to kill me. However, I no longer felt connected to the spirits. I felt I had been abandoned by them.  I was alone in my own darkness.

Thank god my shamanic healer was here. We conducted some healings over the next few weeks which helped to take the edge off of the depression. I began a disciplined meditation practice to help my psyche recover: meditation 30 minutes a day, twice a day. I also started studying A Course in Miracles again. I then started reading books about meditation and buddhism, especially those written by the Dalai Lama. These books helped restore me to life.

It took a good three months for me to come back up to a healthy level again. I am so thankful to be in a good place again, a place where I can pray and feel love and feel gratitude and sense Spirit once again. I still meditate 30 minutes a day, twice if I can, and do other spiritual practices as I see fit.

Do I blame the retreat center for my depression? No, I do not. I believe the depression was caused by my own "ego death." I could distinctly feel that it was related to my own feelings of failure and unworthiness. These feelings of failure and unworthiness were always in the background, hidden by my hopes, dreams and plans to create something great in my life. Well, when I realized those "great plans" weren't coming to fruition, my ego had to die an incredibly painful death.

What I do blame the retreat center for is their lack of personal connection and sincere compassion. The center was very masculine based with very little feminine energy. There is a very distinct feeling of detachment. People at this center may ask how you are doing, but very rarely have I ever felt that the facilitators and shamans were concerned on more than a superficial level. This sense of caring is healing in itself. I sincerely believe that the art of deep care and compassion can be even more healing, with more enduring results, than any amount of ayahuasca ceremonies.

True healers heal from the heart.

Thankfully, while recovering from my depression, I had the blessing and opportunity to participate in two ayahuasca ceremonies from a healer with true impeccability. This healer holds a space so sacred, so clean, that I will probably never do ceremonies in Peru again. This healer has helpers that check on each participant at least once during the night to make sure everyone is doing okay. Most importantly, I could sense the heart-filled compassion emanating from the healer and his assistants. It was moving to witness. The healer and his assistants are approachable, and are willing to listen with deep care and concern for whatever you are going through.

Blessings.

Shamanic healing is not enough

Shamanism has been a huge component of my healing process. However, I've found so far that it is not enough to calm the torrent of thoughts that cloud my mind. I need mindfulness, meditation, and presence practices to do that.

I've been reading and re-reading Eckhart Tolle lately.  A New Earth is my new bible. I credit his teachings on presence and dissolving the pain body for pulling me out of my whirlpool sadness.

Most days I meditate 30 minutes twice a day using the vipassana technique.

Despite the awesome experiences I've had over the past year, I've have little to no interest in the spirit world.

First of all, connecting with the invisible realms takes me out of working on myself. I can always connect with the spirits later in my life, after I'm in a good place.

Secondly, I realize now that having "special" experiences doesn't equate to being healed. In fact, such experiences easily engage the ego, keeping one from focusing on the serious work of cultivating inner peace and true healing.

Thirdly, my relationship with the spirit world has changed. I no longer put all my attention and energy on it. I know that I can't rely on the spirit world for everything. I need to be balanced as well.

Ultimately, my mind, body, and spirit is my responsibility.

A New Look at Life

Having had my perceived life needs and attachments ripped away, the choice is either to transcend this ego death or suffer intensely.

I've been reading/watching/listening to Eckhart Tolle a lot lately. Funny how I have a much deeper understanding of his teachings than when I first encountered his book A New Earth back in 2009. I've been reading and practicing A Course in Miracles as well.

I have the understanding now that nothing in my life means anything. In other words, everything is ephemeral. Everything is temporary. There is nothing in this world that can guarantee everlasting joy, peace, or happiness. Nothing.

The only peace we can guarantee for ourselves is the peace we manage to eke out on our own, through mindfulness and a deep, abiding acceptance of What Is. If we are lucky, perhaps we will even catch a glimpse of pure consciousness.

I've made a lot of changes since my last ayahuasca retreat and the subsequent depression that occurred. I've taken myself completely off Facebook, something I'd been addicted to for the past nine years. I'm also going to disconnect my home internet service. I've made peace my primary goal in life, if that can even be a "goal." But I now know that there is nothing else in this world that really matters or can even be counted on. So I focus on reading my spiritual books and doing my spiritual practices. I try to meditate every day and cultivate presence and acceptance. I've given up on creating goals and choose instead to focus on simply being. All I truly want anymore in life is for my state of beingness to align with the will of the universe.

Right now it doesn't seem like a very exciting life, but compared to how I was feeling just one month ago, which was borderline suicidal, I will gladly take it.

Life Purpose: Necessity or Source of Misery?

I decided today to let go of any idea of a "life purpose." As soon as I let this "need" go, I started feeling significant relief from my depression.

Once we decide upon a life purpose, or even declare that we need to have a life purpose, we limit ourselves into something we are "supposed to be" or "supposed to do." This in turn blocks our ability to be free in the moment because our brains are too busy trying to figure out what we "should" be doing next.

Check out this article: Living a Good Life Without a Purpose

Consider changing the imperative pursuit of finding your life purpose to making it more important to discover “what gives meaning to my life today.

Think about indigenous societies, or even third world cultures. Having been to Peru, I've seen how such communities focus more on friends and family than US culture. They live together, work together, eat together, and play together. Yes, these people have their own struggles and challenges as well, but it seems to me that life is so much more simple.

I often feel like I just don't belong in this culture, but maybe it is our success-driven culture that has it wrong.

As an experiment, I will be letting go of any need to succeed or have any purpose for the next six weeks. I'll have two ayahuasca ceremonies at the end of these six weeks, so it will be interesting to see what happens.

CryQuest: A map towards healing that makes sense

I just discovered CryQuest, an excellent resource on emotional healing.

The premise is not new. We need to allow ourselves to feel the pain and then cry to process and release it. CryQuest helps readers to navigate the process of feeling emotions again, and offers a wealth of information and steps to follow for the healing process. Check it out at http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/index.html

The Return

Some day, if you are lucky,
you’ll return from a thunderous journey
trailing snake scales, wing fragments
and the musk of Earth and moon.

Eyes will examine you for signs
of damage, or change
and you, too, will wonder
if your skin shows traces

of fur, or leaves,
if thrushes have built a nest
of your hair, if Andromeda
burns from your eyes.

Do not be surprised by prickly questions
from those who barely inhabit
their own fleeting lives, who barely taste
their own possibility, who barely dream.

If your hands are empty, treasureless,
if your toes have not grown claws,
if your obedient voice has not
become a wild cry, a howl,

you will reassure them. We warned you,
they might declare, there is nothing else,
no point, no meaning, no mystery at all,
just this frantic waiting to die.

And yet, they tremble, mute,
afraid you’ve returned without sweet
elixir for unspeakable thirst, without
a fluent dance or holy language

to teach them, without a compass
bearing to a forgotten border where
no one crosses without weeping
for the terrible beauty of galaxies

and granite and bone. They tremble,
hoping your lips hold a secret,
that the song your body now sings
will redeem them, yet they fear

your secret is dangerous, shattering,
and once it flies from your astonished
mouth, they–like you–must disintegrate
before unfolding tremulous wings.

-The Return by Geneen Marie Haugen